Hello everyone, it's been a little while since I posted in here but a lot has happened with me recently so I thought I'd update.
Started a job 9 months ago and it's been very hellish for me, earlier today I resigned my position with immediate effect and have gone back to job hunting. I have wanted out for a while but haven't had the guts to walk away before now because I was worried I'd spiral without a work routine like I have done previously. I've finally reached the end of my tether though, I can't go on with it. Well I could I suppose but more like I refuse too, it's not worth what it's doing to me. I've been job hunting half-heartedly for something else for the past few months but now I'm giving it my complete attention. I know it's easier to get your foot in the door somewhere else if you're currently employed but for me it's just not worth what I go through every day in there and the horrible gits wouldn't ever give me a reference anyway because they're very spiteful to anyone who leaves.
The stress of the job has caused me to go back onto Citalopram, almost every shift feels like a struggle and I've been left on the verge of a complete breakdown quite a few times now. My sleeping pattern is messed up because of it, my skin has gone all rashy and my hair is falling out a bit so I physically don't look well. Mentally I've been very bad, my worst since my borderline suicidal feelings about 2 years ago. I've kept hoping that if I just grit my teeth and plough on with it would get easier over time only it hasn't, if anything it's gotten worse.
I don't get along with many people in there, the manager is a complete and utter C-word and he has a gang of followers who are up his arse, it's like a wee club that I'm not included in (and I wouldn't want to be either because I'm not that way). The three colleagues I spend the most time with on shift with aren't nice people, one is VERY aggressive in her manner of speaking and very rude to me because she sees me as a walk-over because honestly I've been too timid to stand up to her because of how low I've been feeling. The other is a two-faced snide who spreads vile gossip about everyone else, probably about me behind my back as well. The 3rd is just an Italian lad who barely speaks English and isn't the conversational type. Therefore every day I just go into my shell and become lost in my own thoughts, so much though that everyone in there thinks I'm not someone they should make any effort with even though I want to be liked. I like to think I am a nice person who people can get on with, just I've been withdrawing into myself so much as a defence mechanism that they all think I'm a cold fish.
Long-story short, I just feel completely alone in the place and I have severe anxiety attacks regularly therefore I've taken the decision to walk away for the sake of my mental health. I took the job in the first place for that reason, to get to a good place mentally. I am actually very fortunate in the sense that I'm not hard up for money. I still live at home, I have no student loan to pay off and I don't have a kid to provide for and I live pretty basically as well, I rarely spend any money on myself. I have managed to save up enough of my wages to get a good amount in my account so even if I'm out of work again for while at least I'll be okay on that front, like I said I'm very lucky. For a long time I've kept telling myself that if I quit without another job lined up that I'd just be conceding defeat, that I'm just confirming my own fears that I can't cope and that I'm a loser. I used to feel like that at my lowest a few years ago and I've been terrified of going back to that, absolutely terrified. My brother and sister however have spoken to me about how I'm feeling and have helped me feel better about crossing that bridge.
My brother said; "That was then, this is now. It was a different time then, now you're stronger and you've gained experience. Don't be ashamed if you want to walk away, just do what you think is best and then keeping looking forward instead of constantly looking back. Don't put yourself through all that if you really don't have too."
My sister said; "You should have more respect for yourself, the worst you thing you can do is let people think you're a walk-over because they WILL walk all over you. Certain jobs you have to be a bit of a horrible person to survive but you're not a horrible person, it's just not in you. Walk away now and show them you don't need them and won't become like them."
I thought about what they said and everything else over the past few days and have decided to indeed walk away now, my health is what's most important and the job is only hurting me and has been for a while. I have be brave and take action, if something in my life is affecting me that badly then I have to cut it out. I have all the sympathy in the world for anyone who caught in a situation like mine but for a variety of reasons can't just walk away unless they can immediately walk into something else. I am very fortunate to have the situation I have.
Thanks to anyone who has taken to read all of that, long-winded I know but I feel lot a better getting it all off my chest, this thread is wonderfully therapeutic. I will post an update when I have one and any advice or opinions I'd love to hear.