Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[blueloon]

I guess as a knock on effect i have developed such a strong bond with her since then that i have always tried to make up for it. I can guarantee she will be shouting daddy going into the theatre and after she wakes up, even when she wakes up with a cough during the night she shouts me. So yeah, a hard choice back then on a personal level has spurred me on to be closer to her as a way to make it up to her

Yeah it's not easy balancing all the needs of a family, I have two boys as well - and they know theyre all loved but that there's a special bond between dad' s and daughters . Daughters have this unshakeable belief that we know everything and can make any situation right . Even now I get the odd phone call that starts "Hi dad" then she bursts into tears and tells me about a stressful situation at work. Hold on to all your memories mate, good and bad, they grow up so fast.

 

[Ashtonian]

Yeah it's not easy balancing all the needs of a family, I have two boys as well - and they know theyre all loved but that there's a special bond between dad' s and daughters . Daughters have this unshakeable belief that we know everything and can make any situation right . Even now I get the odd phone call that starts "Hi dad" then she bursts into tears and tells me about a stressful situation at work. Hold on to all your memories mate, good and bad, they grow up so fast.

Tell me about it, not too long ago literally, we were trying to teach her to walk and seeing her veer off to the left. now she is walking everywhere and opening doors. Not too sure why but with my son it was fine seeing him get bigger because he is a little mini me so i can share interests with him and have those little things with him that i cant have with anyone else. With a girl, you automatically want to protect them and dont want them growing up. I guess that's what made all this a little tougher because you want that little girl to be protected from the world, as i always say to her, no boys allowed lol. compare that to a boy and you dont mind them climbing and jumping and doing all that stuff with scraped knees and bumped heads.

 

[efc_girl]

I've been referred to an online CBT course and it hasn't done much for me, if I'm being honest. But they do say it is a very subjective style of therapy, and that it affects everyone differently. Perhaps my mind wasn't open enough to the idea, perhaps it wasn't designed with me in mind.

So good luck with your treatment and, if you feel like it, let us know how you get on.

I wish you all the best mate.

I was referred to that too and found it useless. I suppose some people may find it useful but I just didn't, at all!

 

[efc_girl]

Hi, you have almost described my inlaws in that passage to a " T ", except their whole life is based around drinking and manipulating everyone else into doing what they want to do. Mine came to stay for a night a few weeks ago and my anxiety levels the week before, almost made my head lift off. I loathe them with a passion and it's caused me no end of domestic turmoil in the past. I'd stop short at staying I hate them, I think detest would be a better word !

I really can put myself in your shoes over the looming three week holiday as I once had to spend ten days with mine in the South of France, where we had to do what they wanted for the whole time, which involved nothing more than drinking and eating - I coped by going for a massive run every evening by myself, otherwise I'd have said or done something terrible .

Obvioulsy I'm not suggesting that you go for massive run every night, but consider the possibility of taking a short course of sedatives whilst away with them. They will take away nearly all of the anxiety and make you feel normal ?.

The situation with the holiday is eating you up and isn't aiding all other good stuff your doing. It's only something to think about ?

If you're honest with your GP about how this affecting you I'd imagine that they'd want to help - however sedatives should only be taken for a short time as they can be habit forming .

Ps - I understand why your partner won't say anything to them, as mine have such a hold of my missus, that they can almost reduce her to a wreck with very subtle emotional head bending .


PM if you want to talk in private x

So sorry it's taken me a while to respond. Haven't been on here for a little bit! I found this post refreshing and helpful as someone else has been in my shoes! I keep getting very stressed and worked up about it! Twice already this week I have been in awwwwful moods. Just fed up of all of these feelings.

I saw my counsellor again last week and ranted about the holiday and all my feelings etc. Long story short, we got onto the fact that it wasn't really his family that was the issue and it's more about me and my boyfriend and how I am feeling how things will be out there based on past experiences on family occasions. It made a lot of sense and I had never ever even considered that this was the cause of a lot of upset. Not that there is anything horribly wrong with our relationship; just I have been made to feel second best and not a priority on many occasions by him in the past when we are around his family etc. As I touched upon before, he is very scared about upsetting anyone or anything... Basically my counsellor has told us to go into a session together as it's him really that I have the issue with, not the family... They are just getting the brunt of my deflected emotions and the things I'm unhappy with about them are just being highlighted because of these feelings I have! It's about boundaries she said, which makes sense to me. He has never set any boundaries with his family and they basically walk all over him (probably unaware of the fact!) because that's how it's always been since he was a child and there have been no boundaries set since... So he is still treated like a child! For example, he will say how he feels about certain things to me and then do or say the exact opposite to his family, just to keep the peace... and just never has an opinion or a say on anything. Anyway, these type of things are what make me feel like I do and I guess that's how I assume the holiday is going to be... That I will feel left out and like there's something wrong with me! He needs to work on boundaries and how he acts in situations etc. I also have things to work on. We are happy, we just need to grow together and iron out our issues I suppose and I doubt it's going to be easy. He's very happy to go along with me to the session and we are going tomorrow for our first one together. I think it will help and we will end up continuing the process until things get better. I had already been mentioning to him about therapy etc even before my counsellor suggested the session, as he has expressed many times how he has issues from family stuff over the years and how he just goes along with things as it's "easier" etc. It's not a healthy way to be and of course it's going to have an effect on me and us as partners. When we have small disagreements, they escalate into big arguments and me hating myself because he just doesn't know how to deal with situations and still sulks etc like a child, over silly little disagreements that every couple has. This can't continue if we grow to have a family etc, so nipping it in the bud now is hopefully the way to a more content future!

I feel like none of that makes sense! But it's good to write it down I guess!

 

[Deleted member 28206]

So sorry it's taken me a while to respond. Haven't been on here for a little bit! I found this post refreshing and helpful as someone else has been in my shoes! I keep getting very stressed and worked up about it! Twice already this week I have been in awwwwful moods. Just fed up of all of these feelings.

I saw my counsellor again last week and ranted about the holiday and all my feelings etc. Long story short, we got onto the fact that it wasn't really his family that was the issue and it's more about me and my boyfriend and how I am feeling how things will be out there based on past experiences on family occasions. It made a lot of sense and I had never ever even considered that this was the cause of a lot of upset. Not that there is anything horribly wrong with our relationship; just I have been made to feel second best and not a priority on many occasions by him in the past when we are around his family etc. As I touched upon before, he is very scared about upsetting anyone or anything... Basically my counsellor has told us to go into a session together as it's him really that I have the issue with, not the family... They are just getting the brunt of my deflected emotions and the things I'm unhappy with about them are just being highlighted because of these feelings I have! It's about boundaries she said, which makes sense to me. He has never set any boundaries with his family and they basically walk all over him (probably unaware of the fact!) because that's how it's always been since he was a child and there have been no boundaries set since... So he is still treated like a child! For example, he will say how he feels about certain things to me and then do or say the exact opposite to his family, just to keep the peace... and just never has an opinion or a say on anything. Anyway, these type of things are what make me feel like I do and I guess that's how I assume the holiday is going to be... That I will feel left out and like there's something wrong with me! He needs to work on boundaries and how he acts in situations etc. I also have things to work on. We are happy, we just need to grow together and iron out our issues I suppose and I doubt it's going to be easy. He's very happy to go along with me to the session and we are going tomorrow for our first one together. I think it will help and we will end up continuing the process until things get better. I had already been mentioning to him about therapy etc even before my counsellor suggested the session, as he has expressed many times how he has issues from family stuff over the years and how he just goes along with things as it's "easier" etc. It's not a healthy way to be and of course it's going to have an effect on me and us as partners. When we have small disagreements, they escalate into big arguments and me hating myself because he just doesn't know how to deal with situations and still sulks etc like a child, over silly little disagreements that every couple has. This can't continue if we grow to have a family etc, so nipping it in the bud now is hopefully the way to a more content future!

I feel like none of that makes sense! But it's good to write it down I guess!

100% - half the time thats the most difficult bit, wish my doctor read GOT.

 

[efc_girl]

100% - half the time thats the most difficult bit, wish my doctor read GOT.

I like to write stuff down as it's always warmly met on here by all of you... But at the same time, it can make me feel a bit like the issues are just a bit silly! I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Maybe it can give me some perspective, or maybe it's just more paranoia about thinking I am an idiot! I have to say I never feel idiotic on here though helps a lot to know there's a place to write stuff down and get supportive responses.

 

[efc_girl]

@COYBL25 The sedatives thing is a good suggestion. I'm just scared of doing that. I might have a think about it. Do they work straight away? Maybe they would help over the stressful period of the holiday and help me not react badly to certain things.

 

[kithnou]

I feel like none of that makes sense! But it's good to write it down I guess!

Can't fix the problem unless we can accurately identify it.
Stage 1 complete

 

[kithnou]

I like to write stuff down as it's always warmly met on here by all of you... But at the same time, it can make me feel a bit like the issues are just a bit silly! I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Maybe it can give me some perspective, or maybe it's just more paranoia about thinking I am an idiot! I have to say I never feel idiotic on here though helps a lot to know there's a place to write stuff down and get supportive responses.

Don't think, just write

 

[TheAlmightyFloater]

So sorry it's taken me a while to respond. Haven't been on here for a little bit! I found this post refreshing and helpful as someone else has been in my shoes! I keep getting very stressed and worked up about it! Twice already this week I have been in awwwwful moods. Just fed up of all of these feelings.

I saw my counsellor again last week and ranted about the holiday and all my feelings etc. Long story short, we got onto the fact that it wasn't really his family that was the issue and it's more about me and my boyfriend and how I am feeling how things will be out there based on past experiences on family occasions. It made a lot of sense and I had never ever even considered that this was the cause of a lot of upset. Not that there is anything horribly wrong with our relationship; just I have been made to feel second best and not a priority on many occasions by him in the past when we are around his family etc. As I touched upon before, he is very scared about upsetting anyone or anything... Basically my counsellor has told us to go into a session together as it's him really that I have the issue with, not the family... They are just getting the brunt of my deflected emotions and the things I'm unhappy with about them are just being highlighted because of these feelings I have! It's about boundaries she said, which makes sense to me. He has never set any boundaries with his family and they basically walk all over him (probably unaware of the fact!) because that's how it's always been since he was a child and there have been no boundaries set since... So he is still treated like a child! For example, he will say how he feels about certain things to me and then do or say the exact opposite to his family, just to keep the peace... and just never has an opinion or a say on anything. Anyway, these type of things are what make me feel like I do and I guess that's how I assume the holiday is going to be... That I will feel left out and like there's something wrong with me! He needs to work on boundaries and how he acts in situations etc. I also have things to work on. We are happy, we just need to grow together and iron out our issues I suppose and I doubt it's going to be easy. He's very happy to go along with me to the session and we are going tomorrow for our first one together. I think it will help and we will end up continuing the process until things get better. I had already been mentioning to him about therapy etc even before my counsellor suggested the session, as he has expressed many times how he has issues from family stuff over the years and how he just goes along with things as it's "easier" etc. It's not a healthy way to be and of course it's going to have an effect on me and us as partners. When we have small disagreements, they escalate into big arguments and me hating myself because he just doesn't know how to deal with situations and still sulks etc like a child, over silly little disagreements that every couple has. This can't continue if we grow to have a family etc, so nipping it in the bud now is hopefully the way to a more content future!

I feel like none of that makes sense! But it's good to write it down I guess!

I understand your frustration with partner's families, I have first hand experience with it myself. It's hard for some people to say NO to the people that raised them, but there is a definite line between being agreeable and being walked over. When partner's refuse to stand up for themselves to "keep the peace" it can be so frustrating. Some families take them for granted, other families are more deliberate in their manipulation and it creates so much tension between partners.

Great to see you have made some progress into understanding your thoughts and feelings. That's why counselling is such a big help because they are trained to give the perspectives you might have missed. I hope your couple's session goes well because it sounds like he's really open to the idea.

 

[efc_girl]

I understand your frustration with partner's families, I have first hand experience with it myself. It's hard for some people to say NO to the people that raised them, but there is a definite line between being agreeable and being walked over. When partner's refuse to stand up for themselves to "keep the peace" it can be so frustrating. Some families take them for granted, other families are more deliberate in their manipulation and it creates so much tension between partners.

Great to see you have made some progress into understanding your thoughts and feelings. That's why counselling is such a big help because they are trained to give the perspectives you might have missed. I hope your couple's session goes well because it sounds like he's really open to the idea.

Again, it's wonderful to be understood! Last night whilst I was watching the match, he went over to discuss more holiday stuff (God knows how much discussion this holiday needs, but hey)... He told me he stood his ground and stuck by his guns on everything he disagreed with so I was pleased. It didn't stop him coming away feeling completely stressed about the holiday as it's still as though we are being told what to do. Everything we've advised or suggested has just been ignored; this is never happening ever again... I'm never being made to feel like this ever again! I am stressed to death, he is stressed to death... Surely we should be looking forward to this! I think I'll be posting on here when I'm out there ha ha! For my sanity!

 

[COYBL25]

Again, it's wonderful to be understood! Last night whilst I was watching the match, he went over to discuss more holiday stuff (God knows how much discussion this holiday needs, but hey)... He told me he stood his ground and stuck by his guns on everything he disagreed with so I was pleased. It didn't stop him coming away feeling completely stressed about the holiday as it's still as though we are being told what to do. Everything we've advised or suggested has just been ignored; this is never happening ever again... I'm never being made to feel like this ever again! I am stressed to death, he is stressed to death... Surely we should be looking forward to this! I think I'll be posting on here when I'm out there ha ha! For my sanity!

Re your first question about sedatives - they do work straight away. There's no " bedding " in period like anti depressants and other medication. They will make you feel " normal " again and take away the anxiety. However I can't stress this enough, they are habit forming when taken for more than a few weeks, not in a " heroin " type way, it's just that as your body becomes used to them they don't work for as long and the " anxiety " comes roaring back. The temptation to increase the recommended dose can become overwhelming. However for short term use - your holiday, they would be perfect. A decent GP won't precribe anymore than a 2 - 3 week course and then won't give anymore. I'm not trying to put you off them, they just need to be taken sensibly that's all and used as a short term too.

With regards to your partners parents, their behaviour and lack of boundaries, I almost spat my tea out !

It described the situation with mine absolutely perfectly - they just do what they want unchallenged and that's become the norm. However they "hung " themselves over Christmas, when they said some very nasty things when drunk to my partner and since then the boundaries have changed measurably as what they said was so disgraceful and venomous, that it hurt her so badly that she's seen them as they really are for the first time - selfish, feckless, drunks. This has given her the strength to stand up to them now, as there's nothing else that they can say to manipulate her, that will hurt her as badly as they did at Christmas. The net result is that instead of seeing them once every four to six weeks, we've seen them once since Christmas !.

I just wanted to tell you this to give you a bit of hope, as by the sounds of it, the worm appears to be turning for you and there is light at the end of the tunnel !

 

[kithnou]

Again, it's wonderful to be understood! Last night whilst I was watching the match, he went over to discuss more holiday stuff (God knows how much discussion this holiday needs, but hey)... He told me he stood his ground and stuck by his guns on everything he disagreed with so I was pleased. It didn't stop him coming away feeling completely stressed about the holiday as it's still as though we are being told what to do. Everything we've advised or suggested has just been ignored; this is never happening ever again... I'm never being made to feel like this ever again! I am stressed to death, he is stressed to death... Surely we should be looking forward to this! I think I'll be posting on here when I'm out there ha ha! For my sanity!

 

[Mrtallywacker]

Just want to say what a good lad @COYBL25 is, always here to offer good advice and carries that on in real life.

Well done mate, inspirational.

Well said sir.

Romans 15:1-2
We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.

 

[counsillor cox]

Chin's up people.

Just had a couple of flash backs.

Sparked a bit of rumination. So popped on here for a bit.

So came to read about Everton. Take my mind off it.

Hello pal, sorry for the late reply, im quite a sporadic user of the site so only just read your post. What, in your opinion is the best way to deal with rumination? Its something i think i suffer with but dont know where to start with it. Im currently seeing a therapist and very recently started taking Prozac, am i on the right track, as i say, in your opinion?