Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[l4toffee]

@Chipshill read that you had cancer, this is the first time I have heard mention of it after asking everyone. how long have you had it? how did you cope? how did the chemo affect you? loads of things i'd be interested in knowing.
Looking forward to my meal later even tho I think it's only to get drunk and not feel any pain today.

enjoy your day mate

 

[Deleted member 28206]

Woke up to a slapping on the cheek at 7am offering me gifts from my daughter.

Enjoy Father's Day, all of you.

 

[Abraders]

Anyone here experience a lack of vibrancy (mental clarity) and/or feelings of general numbness/dis-attachment/dis-association (with life) as a result of depression? Like a thick brain fog that you can almost feel in your head. As initially - weeks ago - I suspected I had some sort of virus etc. But now i'm beginning to believe it's just another devilish symptom of depression

All the time, mate. Whilst I was in Uni anyway, though, less so in this moment right now. I've been particularly aware of how i'm feeling these days, which i believe is a step in the right direction.

I find the best thing to do is keep yourself as busy as possible, it might be hard to concentrate at times and things feel a bit dream-like, but being around good people doing physical activities etc will be massively beneficial.

 

[blueloon]

There are two pieces of music by a band called Kodaline that epitomise how this last 18 months has felt for me. Understandably, the first is very reflective about the 'loss'I have been through and the 'grief' that has resulted from that.



The second is a song that I've only recently heard - and it's far more positive. It's still very reflective and somewhat melancholy, but there's a defiance there and I hope that it really resonates with a lot of members here.

We're not alone. Don't let life pass you by. Don't try and do everything on your own.

This forum has never let me feel alone.

Despite my advanced years I'm a great fan of Kodaline ........particularly "High hopes" ....the world keeps spinning around. On the same CD as "One Day", and All I want.

 

[TheAlmightyFloater]

I think it was early April last time I posted here from a personal perspective (rather than a "helping" perspective).

At the time I was snowed under with uni work. I had a huge amount of work due at the end of the month and had left it all too late to get started because of a darker cloud that had been hovering around throughout the year. I visited my GP and I was eventually given access to an online CBT course. It was total crap. Full of information about how doing nice things can make us feel better and how our environment affects our moods. Totally patronising and not at all helpful for someone who can already see the problem for what it is. I think I made it through 7-ish episodes (out of 10) before realising my time was better spent actually working on my dissertation instead of sitting, clicking and nodding my head like a high school guidance class on how drugs are bad.

I ended up seeking help from the free counselling service offered by my uni. Waited several weeks for a first appointment and because there is only one person the appointments were several weeks apart. I think I only managed 4 visits before I stopped being a student. It struck me that the counsellor is there to listen, and not there to tell you what to do. It was very, very difficult at first but we ended up having some really good discussions. I think she was perhaps used to more stress, relationships & family related issues (which is fair enough) rather than my slightly incoherent ramblings about reality and various other philosophical and utterly mental topics. It was very good to hear outside perspectives after spending years trapped in my own head. Just wish I could have utilised it sooner rather than later.

Anyway, after several sleepless nights and 12 hour library shifts (first to arrive, last to leave...) I handed my dissertation in a day early. Unfortunately I missed my portfolio extension and handed in a week late, thus automatically losing 10%. Wasn't that fussed at the end though, just wanted rid of it to be honest. Got the results in the other week and I'm graduating next month with a 2:1 honours degree. Pleased with that but left wondering what I could have achieved without having these demons on my shoulder for all these years.

Now I have nothing left to sweat over or work towards, I've just slumped right back into that familiar rut. All those articles online don't lie when they talk about depression feeling oddly comfortable. Haven't been to the gym in weeks, haven't picked up a book or written for my website. I'm supposed to be looking for jobs all day because technically I'm unemployed, no longer a student (feels weird to say that having been in education since the age of 5, eh?).

I did have one interview, at the end of April, for a great job at a local hospice. Ended up not getting it but I apparently gave a great interview & presentation. Found out I was in their top 3 candidates but they opted for someone with slightly more experience which is fair enough really. I never expected to even get the interview in the first place, so the experience was good.

I guess my problem now is trying to stay organised and not get trapped under this cloud, which is harder than it sounds.
I'm trying so hard not to waste my life by doing the "wrong" thing but I'm actually wasting my life by doing nothing instead. Sound familiar to anyone?

 

[Abertonian]

I think it was early April last time I posted here from a personal perspective (rather than a "helping" perspective).

At the time I was snowed under with uni work. I had a huge amount of work due at the end of the month and had left it all too late to get started because of a darker cloud that had been hovering around throughout the year. I visited my GP and I was eventually given access to an online CBT course. It was total crap. Full of information about how doing nice things can make us feel better and how our environment affects our moods. Totally patronising and not at all helpful for someone who can already see the problem for what it is. I think I made it through 7-ish episodes (out of 10) before realising my time was better spent actually working on my dissertation instead of sitting, clicking and nodding my head like a high school guidance class on how drugs are bad.

I ended up seeking help from the free counselling service offered by my uni. Waited several weeks for a first appointment and because there is only one person the appointments were several weeks apart. I think I only managed 4 visits before I stopped being a student. It struck me that the counsellor is there to listen, and not there to tell you what to do. It was very, very difficult at first but we ended up having some really good discussions. I think she was perhaps used to more stress, relationships & family related issues (which is fair enough) rather than my slightly incoherent ramblings about reality and various other philosophical and utterly mental topics. It was very good to hear outside perspectives after spending years trapped in my own head. Just wish I could have utilised it sooner rather than later.

Anyway, after several sleepless nights and 12 hour library shifts (first to arrive, last to leave...) I handed my dissertation in a day early. Unfortunately I missed my portfolio extension and handed in a week late, thus automatically losing 10%. Wasn't that fussed at the end though, just wanted rid of it to be honest. Got the results in the other week and I'm graduating next month with a 2:1 honours degree. Pleased with that but left wondering what I could have achieved without having these demons on my shoulder for all these years.

Now I have nothing left to sweat over or work towards, I've just slumped right back into that familiar rut. All those articles online don't lie when they talk about depression feeling oddly comfortable. Haven't been to the gym in weeks, haven't picked up a book or written for my website. I'm supposed to be looking for jobs all day because technically I'm unemployed, no longer a student (feels weird to say that having been in education since the age of 5, eh?).

I did have one interview, at the end of April, for a great job at a local hospice. Ended up not getting it but I apparently gave a great interview & presentation. Found out I was in their top 3 candidates but they opted for someone with slightly more experience which is fair enough really. I never expected to even get the interview in the first place, so the experience was good.

I guess my problem now is trying to stay organised and not get trapped under this cloud, which is harder than it sounds.
I'm trying so hard not to waste my life by doing the "wrong" thing but I'm actually wasting my life by doing nothing instead. Sound familiar to anyone?

Congrats on getting through it. A 2:1 is a great achievement.

Don't know what the best answer for you is but you'll be working for a long time hopefully so if you can afford to then take your time. Enjoy having the pressure of uni work lifted and figure out what is going to make you happy. You've earned it.

 

[COYBL25]

I think it was early April last time I posted here from a personal perspective (rather than a "helping" perspective).

At the time I was snowed under with uni work. I had a huge amount of work due at the end of the month and had left it all too late to get started because of a darker cloud that had been hovering around throughout the year. I visited my GP and I was eventually given access to an online CBT course. It was total crap. Full of information about how doing nice things can make us feel better and how our environment affects our moods. Totally patronising and not at all helpful for someone who can already see the problem for what it is. I think I made it through 7-ish episodes (out of 10) before realising my time was better spent actually working on my dissertation instead of sitting, clicking and nodding my head like a high school guidance class on how drugs are bad.

I ended up seeking help from the free counselling service offered by my uni. Waited several weeks for a first appointment and because there is only one person the appointments were several weeks apart. I think I only managed 4 visits before I stopped being a student. It struck me that the counsellor is there to listen, and not there to tell you what to do. It was very, very difficult at first but we ended up having some really good discussions. I think she was perhaps used to more stress, relationships & family related issues (which is fair enough) rather than my slightly incoherent ramblings about reality and various other philosophical and utterly mental topics. It was very good to hear outside perspectives after spending years trapped in my own head. Just wish I could have utilised it sooner rather than later.

Anyway, after several sleepless nights and 12 hour library shifts (first to arrive, last to leave...) I handed my dissertation in a day early. Unfortunately I missed my portfolio extension and handed in a week late, thus automatically losing 10%. Wasn't that fussed at the end though, just wanted rid of it to be honest. Got the results in the other week and I'm graduating next month with a 2:1 honours degree. Pleased with that but left wondering what I could have achieved without having these demons on my shoulder for all these years.

Now I have nothing left to sweat over or work towards, I've just slumped right back into that familiar rut. All those articles online don't lie when they talk about depression feeling oddly comfortable. Haven't been to the gym in weeks, haven't picked up a book or written for my website. I'm supposed to be looking for jobs all day because technically I'm unemployed, no longer a student (feels weird to say that having been in education since the age of 5, eh?).

I did have one interview, at the end of April, for a great job at a local hospice. Ended up not getting it but I apparently gave a great interview & presentation. Found out I was in their top 3 candidates but they opted for someone with slightly more experience which is fair enough really. I never expected to even get the interview in the first place, so the experience was good.

I guess my problem now is trying to stay organised and not get trapped under this cloud, which is harder than it sounds.
I'm trying so hard not to waste my life by doing the "wrong" thing but I'm actually wasting my life by doing nothing instead. Sound familiar to anyone?

Without sounding patronising mate, have you considered voluntary work ?

You mention you went for a job in a hospice, so I'm guessing that's where your interest lies ?

How about going back to them and asking if there's any voluntary positions going ?

Voluntary work is very rewarding mentally as you know that you're giving something back. It also gets you out if the houses and gets you back into the real world again .Plus as a volunteer you can do as little or a much as you want to within reason if your having a bad week.

Just a thought mate ?

 

[TheAlmightyFloater]

Without sounding patronising mate, have you considered voluntary work ?

You mention you went for a job in a hospice, so I'm guessing that's where your interest lies ?

How about going back to them and asking if there's any voluntary positions going ?

Voluntary work is very rewarding mentally as you know that you're giving something back. It also gets you out if the houses and gets you back into the real world again .Plus as a volunteer you can do as little or a much as you want to within reason if your having a bad week.

Just a thought mate ?

Charity work does appeal to me because it feels like I'm actually doing something good, rather than just making some CEOs a little bit richer.
I've been looking in the charity sector for jobs but they are few and far between. The ones that apply to my degree are often looking for 4+ years of experience too.

I've been volunteering in some capacity for probably the past 7 years at local vets, hospitals and kids activity groups. I've reached out to some charities in order to gain experience in their marketing and communication departments but most volunteer roles are kind of shop-front & fundraising roles.

At this stage volunteering is only going to benefit me if I can use it as relevant work experience, so it's kind of limiting my options.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Charity work does appeal to me because it feels like I'm actually doing something good, rather than just making some CEOs a little bit richer.
I've been looking in the charity sector for jobs but they are few and far between. The ones that apply to my degree are often looking for 4+ years of experience too.

I've been volunteering in some capacity for probably the past 7 years at local vets, hospitals and kids activity groups. I've reached out to some charities in order to gain experience in their marketing and communication departments but most volunteer roles are kind of shop-front & fundraising roles.

At this stage volunteering is only going to benefit me if I can use it as relevant work experience, so it's kind of limiting my options.

Keep doing it- it looks good on your CV when you are asked "what have you been doing since you graduated?" There are loads of transferrable skills from volunteering too.

As an aside, and just a thought,-although you may be sick of uni, I had a brilliant part time job as a note taker supporting disabled students last year. I used to go to lectures with them and write the notes. Only did about 13 hours a week but got £8.60 an hour. I did the second year of an undergraduate physics degree and one term of an archaeology Masters!! The company was called Randstad- google them and search Student Support and note taker.

 

[Deleted member 28206]

Charity work does appeal to me because it feels like I'm actually doing something good, rather than just making some CEOs a little bit richer.
I've been looking in the charity sector for jobs but they are few and far between. The ones that apply to my degree are often looking for 4+ years of experience too.

I've been volunteering in some capacity for probably the past 7 years at local vets, hospitals and kids activity groups. I've reached out to some charities in order to gain experience in their marketing and communication departments but most volunteer roles are kind of shop-front & fundraising roles.

At this stage volunteering is only going to benefit me if I can use it as relevant work experience, so it's kind of limiting my options.

I do food bank and efc in the community - PM if you need a hand mate

 

[Chipshill]

@Chipshill read that you had cancer, this is the first time I have heard mention of it after asking everyone. how long have you had it? how did you cope? how did the chemo affect you? loads of things i'd be interested in knowing.
Looking forward to my meal later even tho I think it's only to get drunk and not feel any pain today.

Sorry, I hadn't noticed you asked. I haven't gone through this whole thread, I just jumped on a week ago and float in and out. Haven't done that 'introduce yourself' thread either.

I'm all clear now anyway mate, I had it roughly 10-11 years ago now when I was 19/20 in the fire brigade. I can still answer questions for you though, I don't mind. I was only a firefighter for a few months, I managed to get into the service down in Derbyshire and moved down there for the job. I had a random checkup with occupational health one day and he had a feel of my throat as they do and said, 'what's that?'. I had a lump in my throat which had been there for years. I got stung by a wasp below my Adam's apple as a child (it was in a balaclava), and I had always assumed the lump had been an after effect from that meaning I never got it checked. He booked me in for an immediate biopsy which give us the big C answer.

That was followed by me having to leave the service to have 2 operations and a round of therapy back in the Royal so I could be looked after by family. I've pretty much involuntarily blocked out the two years that followed from my memory but I remember missing Christmas because I was radio active and I had pregnant family members so that was a no-no. And I remember being in the hospital during the radio treatment because my family had to wear full on white containment suits to come in the same room as me. The nurse would only come as far as the door and physically THROW a sandwich to me like a pet they kept in the attic.

I also remember the day I stopped donating to Marie curie and vowed to never buy another Renault. As I wasn't working, and hadn't been with the fire station long enough for them to be paying me, and my girlfriend of 2 years had to look after me, we had incredibly low income. I had bought a brand new Clio to get us to and from Derbyshire in a bit more comfort than my 1.1L body kitted Saxo (yes, full kit, bright yellow, silly exhaust, blue neons underneath. Feel free to laugh, it was the fast and the furious era ), yet when I called them to explain the situation, pleading for them to take the 2 month from showroom car back and pausing payments until I was out of hospital, they didn't even consider it. We were looking in trouser pockets for a few coins to buy a loaf or milk. We asked for help from them, expecting compliance, yet they turned me away instantly due to the cancer not being 'currently life threatening'.

We went to the CAB and the result was me declaring bankruptcy. That was the biggest effect on my life from the whole illness. It took until just over a year ago to get back straight and buy a house, but you deal the cards you're dealt. Unfortunately, because the car was in my name, I had the majority of the debt. My girlfriend, who after two years of being together had also taken out a loan/credit card or two to get us by, didn't have as much debt as me, not enough for bankruptcy to be an option, is still struggling to get credit. She can't even get a phone because after a year or so, they just sell the debt on to someone else so it shows up again and again, even though it's coming down slowly. Also, for those interested, she has obviously been my rock from the start. We are still together and are currently finalizing a few tiny bits for our wedding in October

And back to the original point of me posting on this thread. Yes I've been through a lot, and yes I'm better off and healthier than I've ever been. I'm fit, regularly boxing (as you can see from my avatar), have a nice car and a nice house, both in my opinion. But when I have bad days, none of this means anything. The fact that I have these, mostly superficial things, are things that one should be happy and grateful to have, is lost on me. If someone says they are depressed, the second person gives them a cheque for £1M, and they suddenly feel better. That's not depression, that's someone worried about money. It's not a choice.

I've completely lost my train of thought here, and I sincerely apologies for the lack of formatting above. I planned on writing a paragraph at most, but got carried away as usual. I'm too tired to go back and fix it now

Any other questions, feel free to ask. It's not a sore subject for me anymore.

 

[kithnou]

Sorry, I hadn't noticed you asked. I haven't gone through this whole thread, I just jumped on a week ago and float in and out. Haven't done that 'introduce yourself' thread either.

I'm all clear now anyway mate, I had it roughly 10-11 years ago now when I was 19/20 in the fire brigade. I can still answer questions for you though, I don't mind. I was only a firefighter for a few months, I managed to get into the service down in Derbyshire and moved down there for the job. I had a random checkup with occupational health one day and he had a feel of my throat as they do and said, 'what's that?'. I had a lump in my throat which had been there for years. I got stung by a wasp below my Adam's apple as a child (it was in a balaclava), and I had always assumed the lump had been an after effect from that meaning I never got it checked. He booked me in for an immediate biopsy which give us the big C answer.

That was followed by me having to leave the service to have 2 operations and a round of therapy back in the Royal so I could be looked after by family. I've pretty much involuntarily blocked out the two years that followed from my memory but I remember missing Christmas because I was radio active and I had pregnant family members so that was a no-no. And I remember being in the hospital during the radio treatment because my family had to wear full on white containment suits to come in the same room as me. The nurse would only come as far as the door and physically THROW a sandwich to me like a pet they kept in the attic.

I also remember the day I stopped donating to Marie curie and vowed to never buy another Renault. As I wasn't working, and hadn't been with the fire station long enough for them to be paying me, and my girlfriend of 2 years had to look after me, we had incredibly low income. I had bought a brand new Clio to get us to and from Derbyshire in a bit more comfort than my 1.1L body kitted Saxo (yes, full kit, bright yellow, silly exhaust, blue neons underneath. Feel free to laugh, it was the fast and the furious era ), yet when I called them to explain the situation, pleading for them to take the 2 month from showroom car back and pausing payments until I was out of hospital, they didn't even consider it. We were looking in trouser pockets for a few coins to buy a loaf or milk. We asked for help from them, expecting compliance, yet they turned me away instantly due to the cancer not being 'currently life threatening'.

We went to the CAB and the result was me declaring bankruptcy. That was the biggest effect on my life from the whole illness. It took until just over a year ago to get back straight and buy a house, but you deal the cards you're dealt. Unfortunately, because the car was in my name, I had the majority of the debt. My girlfriend, who after two years of being together had also taken out a loan/credit card or two to get us by, didn't have as much debt as me, not enough for bankruptcy to be an option, is still struggling to get credit. She can't even get a phone because after a year or so, they just sell the debt on to someone else so it shows up again and again, even though it's coming down slowly. Also, for those interested, she has obviously been my rock from the start. We are still together and are currently finalizing a few tiny bits for our wedding in October

And back to the original point of me posting on this thread. Yes I've been through a lot, and yes I'm better off and healthier than I've ever been. I'm fit, regularly boxing (as you can see from my avatar), have a nice car and a nice house, both in my opinion. But when I have bad days, none of this means anything. The fact that I have these, mostly superficial things, are things that one should be happy and grateful to have, is lost on me. If someone says they are depressed, the second person gives them a cheque for £1M, and they suddenly feel better. That's not depression, that's someone worried about money. It's not a choice.

I've completely lost my train of thought here, and I sincerely apologies for the lack of formatting above. I planned on writing a paragraph at most, but got carried away as usual. I'm too tired to go back and fix it now

Any other questions, feel free to ask. It's not a sore subject for me anymore.

You've had some journey mate. Glad to read things are working out for you now. Great woman you have too.

 

[COYBL25]

Sorry, I hadn't noticed you asked. I haven't gone through this whole thread, I just jumped on a week ago and float in and out. Haven't done that 'introduce yourself' thread either.

I'm all clear now anyway mate, I had it roughly 10-11 years ago now when I was 19/20 in the fire brigade. I can still answer questions for you though, I don't mind. I was only a firefighter for a few months, I managed to get into the service down in Derbyshire and moved down there for the job. I had a random checkup with occupational health one day and he had a feel of my throat as they do and said, 'what's that?'. I had a lump in my throat which had been there for years. I got stung by a wasp below my Adam's apple as a child (it was in a balaclava), and I had always assumed the lump had been an after effect from that meaning I never got it checked. He booked me in for an immediate biopsy which give us the big C answer.

That was followed by me having to leave the service to have 2 operations and a round of therapy back in the Royal so I could be looked after by family. I've pretty much involuntarily blocked out the two years that followed from my memory but I remember missing Christmas because I was radio active and I had pregnant family members so that was a no-no. And I remember being in the hospital during the radio treatment because my family had to wear full on white containment suits to come in the same room as me. The nurse would only come as far as the door and physically THROW a sandwich to me like a pet they kept in the attic.

I also remember the day I stopped donating to Marie curie and vowed to never buy another Renault. As I wasn't working, and hadn't been with the fire station long enough for them to be paying me, and my girlfriend of 2 years had to look after me, we had incredibly low income. I had bought a brand new Clio to get us to and from Derbyshire in a bit more comfort than my 1.1L body kitted Saxo (yes, full kit, bright yellow, silly exhaust, blue neons underneath. Feel free to laugh, it was the fast and the furious era ), yet when I called them to explain the situation, pleading for them to take the 2 month from showroom car back and pausing payments until I was out of hospital, they didn't even consider it. We were looking in trouser pockets for a few coins to buy a loaf or milk. We asked for help from them, expecting compliance, yet they turned me away instantly due to the cancer not being 'currently life threatening'.

We went to the CAB and the result was me declaring bankruptcy. That was the biggest effect on my life from the whole illness. It took until just over a year ago to get back straight and buy a house, but you deal the cards you're dealt. Unfortunately, because the car was in my name, I had the majority of the debt. My girlfriend, who after two years of being together had also taken out a loan/credit card or two to get us by, didn't have as much debt as me, not enough for bankruptcy to be an option, is still struggling to get credit. She can't even get a phone because after a year or so, they just sell the debt on to someone else so it shows up again and again, even though it's coming down slowly. Also, for those interested, she has obviously been my rock from the start. We are still together and are currently finalizing a few tiny bits for our wedding in October

And back to the original point of me posting on this thread. Yes I've been through a lot, and yes I'm better off and healthier than I've ever been. I'm fit, regularly boxing (as you can see from my avatar), have a nice car and a nice house, both in my opinion. But when I have bad days, none of this means anything. The fact that I have these, mostly superficial things, are things that one should be happy and grateful to have, is lost on me. If someone says they are depressed, the second person gives them a cheque for £1M, and they suddenly feel better. That's not depression, that's someone worried about money. It's not a choice.

I've completely lost my train of thought here, and I sincerely apologies for the lack of formatting above. I planned on writing a paragraph at most, but got carried away as usual. I'm too tired to go back and fix it now

Any other questions, feel free to ask. It's not a sore subject for me anymore.

Yet another incredible and inspirational post, the fact that you only planned on writing a paragraph and went onto to write much more says it all !

The bit you wrote about the £1 mil, is a brilliant anology.

You could give someone who is depressed all the money in the world it wouldn't lessen their depression in anyway at all.

I hope you keep tabs on this thread mate and post when you can. You've got a lot to offer others on here through your own experiences .

 

[Chipshill]

You've had some journey mate. Glad to read things are working out for you now. Great woman you have too.

True that. An cheers bud. Onwards and upwards!

 

[Chipshill]

Yet another incredible and inspirational post, the fact that you only planned on writing a paragraph and went onto to write much more says it all !

The bit you wrote about the £1 mil, is a brilliant anology.

You could give someone who is depressed all the money in the world it wouldn't lessen their depression in anyway at all.

I hope you keep tabs on this thread mate and post when you can. You've got a lot to offer others on here through your own experiences .

Thanks for the kind words!

Yeah I get carried away a bit when there's feelings in the text. Just be glad I was on my phone rather than a pc or it would have been twice the size

And I will keep tabs on the thread.

I'm beginning to realise I have a lot to offer through my experiences as you said. People always under appreciate their own experiences, because it's just my life. I've not known another so it doesn't cross my mind that some of my experiences could help shed a little light for a few others.