Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[rochdaleblue]

If that is how you see it mate then i believe you are for the time being doing the right thing.

To be honest for once i don't have an answer to your problem. Kills me a little bit because anything i can say to help would be speculating rather than offering any real advice as it sounds to me it could be a number of scenarios.

Answer me one question. And be honest with the answer please because depending on the answer it can reveal what/if any help i or someone else can offer.

What have you done in the last 18 months that may have caused her to think the way she is now?

Not an aggressive question, as @Woolly Blue sated to me earlier in the thread, you do have to ask yourself that question. So if you don't mind, help us to help you by answering the question. even if the answer is nothing, or it is something negative then makes no odds, just narrow down any advice we can offer

I'll be honest when she took on her new job, I was doing most of the household chores. Running kids to and from childminders, clubs etc. doing all the meals and most of the housework and I'll be frank I got fed up with the situation. Now we're back in our home there is an equal split of duties and things in that sense are back to being as they was. I've confided in friends they've agreed they would be 'down' all the 'chores' I was doing on top of my demanding job. But she says she's forgiven me for that 'period' actions speak louder than words I guess. Thanks again for your thoughtful insight.

 

[Ashtonian]

I'll be honest when she took on her new job, I was doing most of the household chores. Running kids to and from childminders, clubs etc. doing all the meals and most of the housework and I'll be frank I got fed up with the situation. Now we're back in our home there is an equal split of duties and things in that sense are back to being as they was. I've confided in friends they've agreed they would be 'down' all the 'chores' I was doing on top of my demanding job. But she says she's forgiven me for that 'period' actions speak louder than words I guess. Thanks again for your thoughtful insight.

That is only natural mate, i have that on a daily basis at home haha

I guess the only advice i can give you is the lack of information seems to be a major issue here between you. You don't know why she feels the way she does and i think that has taken over the problem, which in a sense leaves you being stubborn in her eyes and not supporting her wishes.

Actually one piece of advice mate, i can give you. Don't move out. If you genuinely have not done anything to cause the problem then don't make it your problem. Assuming the house is in both your names, then by staying i personally think you are doing the right thing especially for the kids. If she has a problem, let her deal with it not you. If all you have done is try and be a supportive husband and good dad and it has been thrown back at you (which certainly appears to me) then don't cause yourself any more stress or emotion, let her do it. She doesn't want to be with you? she can move out then.

Hope that helps. Apologies for prying as i felt there was more to say in the matter and even if what you have said is still only snippets then least i could offer some advice

 

[rochdaleblue]

That is only natural mate, i have that on a daily basis at home haha

I guess the only advice i can give you is the lack of information seems to be a major issue here between you. You don't know why she feels the way she does and i think that has taken over the problem, which in a sense leaves you being stubborn in her eyes and not supporting her wishes.

Actually one piece of advice mate, i can give you. Don't move out. If you genuinely have not done anything to cause the problem then don't make it your problem. Assuming the house is in both your names, then by staying i personally think you are doing the right thing especially for the kids. If she has a problem, let her deal with it not you. If all you have done is try and be a supportive husband and good dad and it has been thrown back at you (which certainly appears to me) then don't cause yourself any more stress or emotion, let her do it. She doesn't want to be with you? she can move out then.

Hope that helps. Apologies for prying as i felt there was more to say in the matter and even if what you have said is still only snippets then least i could offer some advice

My mates and family have all given the same advice, you've done nothing 'wrong' let her move out. They realise I've always had the kids interests at heart. My youngest is so close to me, he's a sensitive little fella and at the moment I'm putting the children's happiness and wellbeing at the forefront as I always have.

 

[Ashtonian]

My mates and family have all given the same advice, you've done nothing 'wrong' let her move out. They realise I've always had the kids interests at heart. My youngest is so close to me, he's a sensitive little fella and at the moment I'm putting the children's happiness and wellbeing at the forefront as I always have.

And that is the right thing to do mate

Keep us informed how you get on mate! even if you want to write a load of nonsense out your head to clear it i'd be interesting in reading.

 

[rochdaleblue]

And that is the right thing to do mate

Keep us informed how you get on mate! even if you want to write a load of nonsense out your head to clear it i'd be interesting in reading.

Cheers mate. Will do.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Going through a really bad time myself at the moment. Had an extremely stressful 18 months, wife started a new job with longer hours which meant I was doing more of the household chores. We then had to move out of our home (subsidence) which placed a great strain on our relationship. We are back in our original home now, but my wife has dropped the bombshell she no longer wants to be with me. I adore my kids and they adolise me and the thought of me leaving would devastate them and me. My wife hasn't really given me an explanation bar we have become 'distant' from one another, I've said its understandable bearing in mind what we've been through, but I still love her and for the sake of the kids I want to 'turn things around'. This predictament has given me many sleepless nights, I'm worried sick how the kids will be affected, finciancially how I'll be affected and losing the woman I love. Spoke to a councellor for advice but was told to write things down at night my thoughts when I'm not sleeping. Can't say this has really helped. I'm sleeping on the couch, I've told the kids it's because of 'daddy's bad back'. When I try to talk to her she tells me I can't help how I feel. I work hard, am a fantastic dad (her words) and would do anything to change things back to how they were 18 months ago. Advice would be very much appreciated.

Sorry to hear this
You have to be strong for yourself and yourself only
The kids will always love you as long as your civil when they are near
Maybe your wife wants to escape the family life
Plenty of men have and will continue
Similar thing happened to one of my friends, but now they're back and 20 odd years later still going strong
You need to sit down and speak to her with a mediator of some sort even one of your parents
You will get over it whatever the outcome

 

[Armel]

sorry if it seems a bit blunt mate, just trying to tell you how i interpret the situation from what you explained. the main thing is the kids and use the way she has treated you to make sure you get them far more than she would.

You don't want to do that. The way she has treated you should not have an impact on the children. This shouldn't be used in any way, amicable divorces are better for the children. She being an inadequate partner does not mean she isn't a good mother. No need to punish her for her transgressions by using the children. I was a child in such a divorce, trust me isn't fun in any way. Also don't turn the children against your partner or such. This causes pain cause at the end of the day whatever they have done he/she is still you parent.

Also @Ashtonian I think you've mistyped how I read it you made your ex a lesbian. a bit like this briliant scene . My favourite line is "I thought we could make it work because you look a bit like a man".

 

[Ashtonian]

You don't want to do that. The way she has treated you should not have an impact on the children. This shouldn't be used in any way, amicable divorces are better for the children. She being an inadequate partner does not mean she isn't a good mother. No need to punish her for her transgressions by using the children. I was a child in such a divorce, trust me isn't fun in any way. Also don't turn the children against your partner or such. This causes pain cause at the end of the day whatever they have done he/she is still you parent.

Also @Ashtonian I think you've mistyped how I read it you made your ex a lesbian. a bit like this briliant scene . My favourite line is "I thought we could make it work because you look a bit like a man".

She was mate. well got with a guy with aspergers after me then became gay.

I can write up a detailed explanation as to why I think she did but not the place for it.

And I guess you are right about the kids. I never meant it in that way, more so that he takes custody of them why she builds her life as she wouod be choosing to give that up.

One thing that angers me is how dad's get treated despite most of them being damn good parents

 

[big bobs beard]

Going through a really bad time myself at the moment. Had an extremely stressful 18 months, wife started a new job with longer hours which meant I was doing more of the household chores. We then had to move out of our home (subsidence) which placed a great strain on our relationship. We are back in our original home now, but my wife has dropped the bombshell she no longer wants to be with me. I adore my kids and they adolise me and the thought of me leaving would devastate them and me. My wife hasn't really given me an explanation bar we have become 'distant' from one another, I've said its understandable bearing in mind what we've been through, but I still love her and for the sake of the kids I want to 'turn things around'. This predictament has given me many sleepless nights, I'm worried sick how the kids will be affected, finciancially how I'll be affected and losing the woman I love. Spoke to a councellor for advice but was told to write things down at night my thoughts when I'm not sleeping. Can't say this has really helped. I'm sleeping on the couch, I've told the kids it's because of 'daddy's bad back'. When I try to talk to her she tells me I can't help how I feel. I work hard, am a fantastic dad (her words) and would do anything to change things back to how they were 18 months ago. Advice would be very much appreciated.

Bad news mate. Started a new job, working longer hours then becomes distant? She has met someone else I'm afraid at her new works, obviously won't tell you this and will keep it hidden until it seems an appropriate amount of time has passed to stop her looking bad. But I bet this has caused the distance and hence her mind is made up and nothing you can do to change this proves it. They are great with the " can't help the way I feel line" as it justifies it to herself and she wants a blame free exit. Thie happened to me, and I'm sure @Durham Toffee too. Think back besides the late hours are there other signs? Secrecy over her phone? Stopping over at a mates? Might be wrong but this is exactly my story, got plenty of advice if you ever need it. Hope I am wrong but this looks dodgy to me.

 

[rochdaleblue]

Bad news mate. Started a new job, working longer hours then becomes distant? She has met someone else I'm afraid at her new works, obviously won't tell you this and will keep it hidden until it seems an appropriate amount of time has passed to stop her looking bad. But I bet this has caused the distance and hence her mind is made up and nothing you can do to change this proves it. They are great with the " can't help the way I feel line" as it justifies it to herself and she wants a blame free exit. Thie happened to me, and I'm sure @Durham Toffee too. Think back besides the late hours are there other signs? Secrecy over her phone? Stopping over at a mates? Might be wrong but this is exactly my story, got plenty of advice if you ever need it. Hope I am wrong but this looks dodgy to me.

Well she is secret over her phone but she always has been throughout our marriage. She's never stayed overnight anywhere and the rare occasions she does go out it with her best friends who I know.

 

[big bobs beard]

That is only natural mate, i have that on a daily basis at home haha

I guess the only advice i can give you is the lack of information seems to be a major issue here between you. You don't know why she feels the way she does and i think that has taken over the problem, which in a sense leaves you being stubborn in her eyes and not supporting her wishes.

Actually one piece of advice mate, i can give you. Don't move out. If you genuinely have not done anything to cause the problem then don't make it your problem. Assuming the house is in both your names, then by staying i personally think you are doing the right thing especially for the kids. If she has a problem, let her deal with it not you. If all you have done is try and be a supportive husband and good dad and it has been thrown back at you (which certainly appears to me) then don't cause yourself any more stress or emotion, let her do it. She doesn't want to be with you? she can move out then.

Hope that helps. Apologies for prying as i felt there was more to say in the matter and even if what you have said is still only snippets then least i could offer some advice

This. Come to the crunch can she move out away from the kids? It's her decision she shuld go BUT don't expect that to be her view. She will want her cake and eat it, and they usually expect the man to pay for a house he no longer lives in, the kids, AND a new place. Get advice mate

 

[big bobs beard]

Well she is secret over her phone but she always has been throughout our marriage. She's never stayed overnight anywhere and the rare occasions she does go out it with her best friends who I know.

Phone a big clue here. Be wary of mates though they WILL lie and cover for each other. My ex did this for ages, always going out with so and so or so and so - people I had known for 20 years who happily covered for her leaving this trusting fool completely in the dark. Really hope I am wrong, but if I were you I would bluntly ask her - when she least expects it. You will know her well enough to know from her response if she lies, I would of if only I had. Look out for the tell tale signs, flustered, blushing, looking upwards fight or flight attitude and you will know. Still hope I am wrong here.

 

[rochdaleblue]

Phone a big clue here. Be wary of mates though they WILL lie and cover for each other. My ex did this for ages, always going out with so and so or so and so - people I had known for 20 years who happily covered for her leaving this trusting fool completely in the dark. Really hope I am wrong, but if I were you I would bluntly ask her - when she least expects it. You will know her well enough to know from her response if she lies, I would of if only I had. Look out for the tell tale signs, flustered, blushing, looking upwards fight or flight attitude and you will know. Still hope I am wrong here.

Asked her many a time. Totally denies it and to be frank she rarely leaves the house.

 

[big bobs beard]

Asked her many a time. Totally denies it and to be frank she rarely leaves the house.

Well at least that's positive - sorry to be so harsh but it has happened a lot to people I know and it always follows this pattern, everything ok until WHAM suddenly not happy anymore, can't help the way I feel etc. I would fish around her mates a bit if I were you, they always talk to someone. If they are on your side they could have a word and remind her what she is throwing away. Once it's broken its broken, try to avoid that at all costs if you can, but if not there is a very rocky road ahead but there is a faint light that slowly gets brighter for you. Good luck

 

[rochdaleblue]

Well at least that's positive - sorry to be so harsh but it has happened a lot to people I know and it always follows this pattern, everything ok until WHAM suddenly not happy anymore, can't help the way I feel etc. I would fish around her mates a bit if I were you, they always talk to someone. If they are on your side they could have a word and remind her what she is throwing away. Once it's broken its broken, try to avoid that at all costs if you can, but if not there is a very rocky road ahead but there is a faint light that slowly gets brighter for you. Good luck

Thanks for the advice.