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Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

Going through a really bad time myself at the moment. Had an extremely stressful 18 months, wife started a new job with longer hours which meant I was doing more of the household chores. We then had to move out of our home (subsidence) which placed a great strain on our relationship. We are back in our original home now, but my wife has dropped the bombshell she no longer wants to be with me. I adore my kids and they adolise me and the thought of me leaving would devastate them and me. My wife hasn't really given me an explanation bar we have become 'distant' from one another, I've said its understandable bearing in mind what we've been through, but I still love her and for the sake of the kids I want to 'turn things around'. This predictament has given me many sleepless nights, I'm worried sick how the kids will be affected, finciancially how I'll be affected and losing the woman I love. Spoke to a councellor for advice but was told to write things down at night my thoughts when I'm not sleeping. Can't say this has really helped. I'm sleeping on the couch, I've told the kids it's because of 'daddy's bad back'. When I try to talk to her she tells me I can't help how I feel. I work hard, am a fantastic dad (her words) and would do anything to change things back to how they were 18 months ago. Advice would be very much appreciated.
 
rochdaleblue said:
Going through a really bad time myself at the moment. Had an extremely stressful 18 months, wife started a new job with longer hours which meant I was doing more of the household chores. We then had to move out of our home (subsidence) which placed a great strain on our relationship. We are back in our original home now, but my wife has dropped the bombshell she no longer wants to be with me. I adore my kids and they adolise me and the thought of me leaving would devastate them and me. My wife hasn't really given me an explanation bar we have become 'distant' from one another, I've said its understandable bearing in mind what we've been through, but I still love her and for the sake of the kids I want to 'turn things around'. This predictament has given me many sleepless nights, I'm worried sick how the kids will be affected, finciancially how I'll be affected and losing the woman I love. Spoke to a councellor for advice but was told to write things down at night my thoughts when I'm not sleeping. Can't say this has really helped. I'm sleeping on the couch, I've told the kids it's because of 'daddy's bad back'. When I try to talk to her she tells me I can't help how I feel. I work hard, am a fantastic dad (her words) and would do anything to change things back to how they were 18 months ago. Advice would be very much appreciated.
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First of all, I feel for your situation.

How I perceive it, she's already made her mind up. She isn't open to discussion. A unilateral decision from her part. Not really a lot you can do about that. I suppose you could try relationship therapy or such. The problem is, how I read it, she doesn't want to put some work in to save the relationship. Love is a choice, you need serious effort to survive the many phases that a relationship goes through. This and the difficulties of the last 18 months have leaded to you guys being disconnected. Most of the time when people say it's over, it's over. They have already moved on in their head; all that remains is the formality of telling the person(s) involved.

It's important to stress to her however that her decision doesn't only impact the both of you, but more importantly the children. I suggest you speak to her about the children and how she sees this. Practical stuff. Focus on the children and their needs.

Oh pleading to stay normally doesn't work. If she doesn't want to talk that's that. Stand up for yourself. Put a time-limit or such on your current situation because well it isn't very healthy. The sooner it's been dealt with, the sooner you can go on with your life one way or another. No need for it to drag on.

Best of luck. You'll get through this.
 
rochdaleblue said:
Going through a really bad time myself at the moment. Had an extremely stressful 18 months, wife started a new job with longer hours which meant I was doing more of the household chores. We then had to move out of our home (subsidence) which placed a great strain on our relationship. We are back in our original home now, but my wife has dropped the bombshell she no longer wants to be with me. I adore my kids and they adolise me and the thought of me leaving would devastate them and me. My wife hasn't really given me an explanation bar we have become 'distant' from one another, I've said its understandable bearing in mind what we've been through, but I still love her and for the sake of the kids I want to 'turn things around'. This predictament has given me many sleepless nights, I'm worried sick how the kids will be affected, finciancially how I'll be affected and losing the woman I love. Spoke to a councellor for advice but was told to write things down at night my thoughts when I'm not sleeping. Can't say this has really helped. I'm sleeping on the couch, I've told the kids it's because of 'daddy's bad back'. When I try to talk to her she tells me I can't help how I feel. I work hard, am a fantastic dad (her words) and would do anything to change things back to how they were 18 months ago. Advice would be very much appreciated.
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There's a lad on here, who has recently been through a very similar situation @Durham Toffee

Hopefully he can be of some help x
 
rochdaleblue said:
Going through a really bad time myself at the moment. Had an extremely stressful 18 months, wife started a new job with longer hours which meant I was doing more of the household chores. We then had to move out of our home (subsidence) which placed a great strain on our relationship. We are back in our original home now, but my wife has dropped the bombshell she no longer wants to be with me. I adore my kids and they adolise me and the thought of me leaving would devastate them and me. My wife hasn't really given me an explanation bar we have become 'distant' from one another, I've said its understandable bearing in mind what we've been through, but I still love her and for the sake of the kids I want to 'turn things around'. This predictament has given me many sleepless nights, I'm worried sick how the kids will be affected, finciancially how I'll be affected and losing the woman I love. Spoke to a councellor for advice but was told to write things down at night my thoughts when I'm not sleeping. Can't say this has really helped. I'm sleeping on the couch, I've told the kids it's because of 'daddy's bad back'. When I try to talk to her she tells me I can't help how I feel. I work hard, am a fantastic dad (her words) and would do anything to change things back to how they were 18 months ago. Advice would be very much appreciated.
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Just the impression i got from what you typed, she has met someone else?

Exactly the way you have described it, sounds like she has started a new job, worked longer hours and spent more time with someone and i would imagine convinced herself that you and her are over. I know what you mean about out of the blue saying that, i experienced that myself with my ex, never had an argument, only one we had i was bang on about. Turned out which i found out after, she had cheated on me and got with said fella after we broke up. Granted she may look back at that one day if she hasn't already and regret it, i mean i am about to get married (she knows), have a family and settled by 30 where she works a crappy job, moves from girl to girl or still has a 18 year old relationship rather than being where i am now. Anyway, bit of digression.

but yeah, certainly that is what it sounds like to me, i won't make any assumptions to more than that but at the very least that is how i read it. She may not be honest about that but they never are. The issue there sadly is whether this mind change is perminant or something she would regret somewhere down the line.

sorry if it seems a bit blunt mate, just trying to tell you how i interpret the situation from what you explained. the main thing is the kids and use the way she has treated you to make sure you get them far more than she would.
 

Ashtonian said:
Just the impression i got from what you typed, she has met someone else?

Exactly the way you have described it, sounds like she has started a new job, worked longer hours and spent more time with someone and i would imagine convinced herself that you and her are over. I know what you mean about out of the blue saying that, i experienced that myself with my ex, never had an argument, only one we had i was bang on about. Turned out which i found out after, she had cheated on me and got with said fella after we broke up. Granted she may look back at that one day if she hasn't already and regret it, i mean i am about to get married (she knows), have a family and settled by 30 where she works a crappy job, moves from girl to girl or still has a 18 year old relationship rather than being where i am now. Anyway, bit of digression.

but yeah, certainly that is what it sounds like to me, i won't make any assumptions to more than that but at the very least that is how i read it. She may not be honest about that but they never are. The issue there sadly is whether this mind change is perminant or something she would regret somewhere down the line.

sorry if it seems a bit blunt mate, just trying to tell you how i interpret the situation from what you explained. the main thing is the kids and use the way she has treated you to make sure you get them far more than she would.
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Confided in close friends and they've said similar. However the longer hours I referred to basically meant her coming home and working in her office each evening as opposed to being at a workplace. I genuinely don't think there is anyone else involved, she rarely goes out and bar her bombshell she dropped on me which admittedly came over a great deal of strain placed on our relationship, I've no reason to believe that anyone else is involved.
 
rochdaleblue said:
Going through a really bad time myself at the moment. Had an extremely stressful 18 months, wife started a new job with longer hours which meant I was doing more of the household chores. We then had to move out of our home (subsidence) which placed a great strain on our relationship. We are back in our original home now, but my wife has dropped the bombshell she no longer wants to be with me. I adore my kids and they adolise me and the thought of me leaving would devastate them and me. My wife hasn't really given me an explanation bar we have become 'distant' from one another, I've said its understandable bearing in mind what we've been through, but I still love her and for the sake of the kids I want to 'turn things around'. This predictament has given me many sleepless nights, I'm worried sick how the kids will be affected, finciancially how I'll be affected and losing the woman I love. Spoke to a councellor for advice but was told to write things down at night my thoughts when I'm not sleeping. Can't say this has really helped. I'm sleeping on the couch, I've told the kids it's because of 'daddy's bad back'. When I try to talk to her she tells me I can't help how I feel. I work hard, am a fantastic dad (her words) and would do anything to change things back to how they were 18 months ago. Advice would be very much appreciated.
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You can't change her mate you can only change you. If you become the kind of person people want to be around, she may change her mind. You have nothing to lose by concentrating on your own happiness and mental well-being. If she sees you as a happy person she might want to be around you. If she wants to break up anyway you will be in a better position to deal with it. When I was seeing a councillor it was because I needed it but also because my wife said she would divorce me if I didn't seek help. She was right to give me the ultimatum, and now I feel even if we did get divorced whilst it would be horrible I would, in time, cope and move on with my life. This is the place you have to get to.
 
rochdaleblue said:
Confided in close friends and they've said similar. However the longer hours I referred to basically meant her coming home and working in her office each evening as opposed to being at a workplace. I genuinely don't think there is anyone else involved, she rarely goes out and bar her bombshell she dropped on me which admittedly came over a great deal of strain placed on our relationship, I've no reason to believe that anyone else is involved.
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Just be wary mate I was in a similar situation and it was proven she was with someone else. Keep an open mind
 
rochdaleblue said:
Confided in close friends and they've said similar. However the longer hours I referred to basically meant her coming home and working in her office each evening as opposed to being at a workplace. I genuinely don't think there is anyone else involved, she rarely goes out and bar her bombshell she dropped on me which admittedly came over a great deal of strain placed on our relationship, I've no reason to believe that anyone else is involved.
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That may be the case mate. As i don't know the situation on a personal level then all i can make is an assumption on your words.

So why do you think she thinks you have drifted apart? i know you mentioned it has been a hard 18 months or so, but why do you think she would change her mind about it?
 
Ashtonian said:
That may be the case mate. As i don't know the situation on a personal level then all i can make is an assumption on your words.

So why do you think she thinks you have drifted apart? i know you mentioned it has been a hard 18 months or so, but why do you think she would change her mind about it?
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Our lives are back to 'normal' relatively speaking back in our own house. Her new job gave her major stress initially and she still is stressed to a point but nowhere near as bad as it was for her. I genuinely don't think she is thinking straight and I've told her, stress can affect you in many ways, but can it impair your judgement of certain situations? The reason I'm still at the house is because of the hope that she will come to her senses and secondly the kids. She's very much aware of the affect us parting would have on them, particularly my youngest.
 

rochdaleblue said:
Our lives are back to 'normal' relatively speaking back in our own house. Her new job gave her major stress initially and she still is stressed to a point but nowhere near as bad as it was for her. I genuinely don't think she is thinking straight and I've told her, stress can affect you in many ways, but can it impair your judgement of certain situations? The reason I'm still at the house is because of the hope that she will come to her senses and secondly the kids. She's very much aware of the affect us parting would have on them, particularly my youngest.
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If that is how you see it mate then i believe you are for the time being doing the right thing.

To be honest for once i don't have an answer to your problem. Kills me a little bit because anything i can say to help would be speculating rather than offering any real advice as it sounds to me it could be a number of scenarios.

Answer me one question. And be honest with the answer please because depending on the answer it can reveal what/if any help i or someone else can offer.

What have you done in the last 18 months that may have caused her to think the way she is now?

Not an aggressive question, as @Woolly Blue sated to me earlier in the thread, you do have to ask yourself that question. So if you don't mind, help us to help you by answering the question. even if the answer is nothing, or it is something negative then makes no odds, just narrow down any advice we can offer
 
rochdaleblue said:
Thanks for all your support, it's genuinely made me feel a bit better. I'll keep you updated.
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Been in a similar position myself many years ago and now happily remarried for over 2Oyrs, the best advice I can give anyone in this situation is to seek legal advice,often the first consultation is free, you need to know where you stand with the kids,property,investments etc.initially just for piece of mind and ultimately so you are assured of being treated fairly,good luck mate, understand you're going through a difficult time but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
 

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