Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Armel]

One thing that angers me is how dad's get treated despite most of them being damn good parents

I agree with you most of the dads do a really good job. The same as a mum.

In my experience the law treats them the same. Nowadays the normal rule is co-parenting, even when this isn't always the best option (for instance for small children). Twelve years ago or such (don't know this for sure- 12 is a random number more than a decade though), the normal rule was one weekend/ 2 weeks and half of the vacations (or something similar. Was like that with me and my father).

The law nowadays is neutral so in normal conditions you don't have to pay support to your wife or such (it may also very well be the case that your wife has to pay you support); only the children. In Belgium that is, don't know about the U.K. but I imagine this must be quite similar. Also fault doesn't play a part in the law any more. If I remember correctly there is only one small loophole left. You get the house if you can proof that the other party has used violence against you.

 

[Ashtonian]

Thanks for the advice.

Just thought on mate.

Does she work on a computer in the house?

 

[rochdaleblue]

Just thought on mate.

Does she work on a computer in the house?

Yes a work laptop. But not worried in the slightest about that. It is only used for work not personal use.

 

[COYBL25]

Yes a work laptop. But not worried in the slightest about that. It is only used for work not personal use.

Have a look at her phone on the sly.

That's how my mate caught his missus out.

She was the most unlikely woman in the world to be at it. Never left the house except to go to work or her parents.

You were given instincts for a reason - if something doesn't feel right, the chances are there's a good reason.

I hope I'm wrong

 

[Armel]

Have a look at her phone on the sly.

That's how my mate caught his missus out.

She was the most unlikely woman in the world to be at it. Never left the house except to go to work or her parents.

You were given instincts for a reason - if something doesn't feel right, the chances are there's a good reason.

I hope I'm wrong

I wouldn't do that if I were you. In the event she hasn't done anything wrong she isn't going to be happy. Any trust that might have still been there, will be lost; making it more difficult to fix things.

In the event you find something you won't be happy. You don't have a lot to gain here.

So I really wouldn't recommend keyloggers, android tracking apps etc.

 

[blueloon]

Going through a really bad time myself at the moment. Had an extremely stressful 18 months, wife started a new job with longer hours which meant I was doing more of the household chores. We then had to move out of our home (subsidence) which placed a great strain on our relationship. We are back in our original home now, but my wife has dropped the bombshell she no longer wants to be with me. I adore my kids and they adolise me and the thought of me leaving would devastate them and me. My wife hasn't really given me an explanation bar we have become 'distant' from one another, I've said its understandable bearing in mind what we've been through, but I still love her and for the sake of the kids I want to 'turn things around'. This predictament has given me many sleepless nights, I'm worried sick how the kids will be affected, finciancially how I'll be affected and losing the woman I love. Spoke to a councellor for advice but was told to write things down at night my thoughts when I'm not sleeping. Can't say this has really helped. I'm sleeping on the couch, I've told the kids it's because of 'daddy's bad back'. When I try to talk to her she tells me I can't help how I feel. I work hard, am a fantastic dad (her words) and would do anything to change things back to how they were 18 months ago. Advice would be very much appreciated.

15 years ago I went through a similar situation to yours, for me it got a lot worse before it got better. Despite initial denials there was another man involved, long story short I kept the house and became a single father of my three teenagers. Initially the worst time of my life which turned around into possibly the best times in terms of changing me.

Whatever happens you will come through this and come out stronger eventually . It seems to me you are doing all the right things re trying to fix things so good luck with that . It will seem bleak now but will get better.

 

[big bobs beard]

15 years ago I went through a similar situation to yours, for me it got a lot worse before it got better. Despite initial denials there was another man involved, long story short I kept the house and became a single father of my three teenagers. Initially the worst time of my life which turned around into possibly the best times in terms of changing me.

Whatever happens you will come through this and come out stronger eventually . It seems to me you are doing all the right things re trying to fix things so good luck with that . It will seem bleak now but will get better.

Good advice mate, I couldn't agree more.

 

[Ashtonian]

Yes a work laptop. But not worried in the slightest about that. It is only used for work not personal use.

I wouod question it. something as simple as that could be an answer. growing up my mums fella used to spend long hours on a computer and he was chatting to someone else the whole time so it isn't out the question. never met her either before thst so wasn't disappearing or anything.

I wouldn't do that if I were you. In the event she hasn't done anything wrong she isn't going to be happy. Any trust that might have still been there, will be lost; making it more difficult to fix things.

In the event you find something you won't be happy. You don't have a lot to gain here.

So I really wouldn't recommend keyloggers, android tracking apps etc.

Just on that mate. she won't be happy? she is already wanting to end the marrage! what difference would that make apart from break a little bit of trust which to be fair she has warranted from her reaction out of the blue. I wouod be questioning it 100% , no one just announces that without something to hide, seen enough cases over the years for it to be true.

 

[Armel]

Just on that mate. she won't be happy? she is already wanting to end the marriage! what difference would that make apart from break a little bit of trust which to be fair she has warranted from her reaction out of the blue. I wouod be questioning it 100% , no one just announces that without something to hide, seen enough cases over the years for it to be true.

Well yes no need to stoop to her level. You knowing will not solve anything, what will this bring you in the long run? I agree mate, it is possible she's seeing someone else; but I don't see this as a valuable variable in the equation.

I also had someone who told something similar, 4.5 year relationship. I'll be honest though, it was in the beginning of my problems with anxiety. Which I am now able to control reasonably well; so that it only bothers me not other people. The onset of that period was my mother who became ill et al such all of the sudden I had stupid things like trouble going outside... So yes I wasn't very useful or fun at the time. Lost a couple of friends in that period also. Positive is now I know I know I have three genuine good friends; they weren't really bothered. The other ones turned out to be more acquaintances, I am not angry with them btw I understand.

I didn't start snooping around or such cause it doesn't change a thing it only produces more drama. I said okay I understand, but you have to leave. I helped her with her set-up; borrowed her 2000 euros. Plus I told her she can visit my animals whenever she wants (which she does on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday), no need for them to suffer from this ordeal.

At the end of the day plenty of other women around.

 

[COYBL25]

I wouldn't do that if I were you. In the event she hasn't done anything wrong she isn't going to be happy. Any trust that might have still been there, will be lost; making it more difficult to fix things.

In the event you find something you won't be happy. You don't have a lot to gain here.

So I really wouldn't recommend keyloggers, android tracking apps etc.

I don't agree. If my mate hadn't checked his wife's phone after becoming suspicious in very similar circumastances he would never have found out.

I'm not advocating high tech surveillance devices, just a peak at the phones history and the recent bills should do it.
If she is going over the side, the phone will be an integral part of it, unless she has a second phone.

If something feels wrong, it normally is in my experience.

 

[Billy Dean]

There's also a thing called gas lighting which was happening to me. Basically its people undermining your confidence by implying that you're stuffing things up, which you're not. Be aware of these things but let the professionals guide you through it.

Yeah I sometimes kinda get the feeling this may be happening. But then again as I said before I might just be imagining it. It's hard to say at this point really.

Give it a bit of time and see if anything is done about it and then consider what to do next ?

I think this is the solution for now. I've just been told a colleague on maternity will be my new team leader when she comes back in mid-Dec and she's someone I get on well with so it might just be a case of holding out till then.

Ask your boss if there's any training or mentoring related to stress management available. Quite a few companies are waking up to the fact that it pays to make sure your staff can cope with stress in the workplace.

If there isn't then my advice is as follows. It might not be appropriate to your work situation, but some of it likely is.

First, and most importantly, learn how and when to say No. If you can't realistically do what you're being asked to then, then say so, explain why it's not possible, and, ideally offer an alternative. But the most important bit is saying No. It's not easy to do, and can be quite scary at first, but I started doing it years ago and our company now have a reputation for being realists who, if we say we'll deliver something at a certain time, will do so unless external influences stop us.

Secondly, if you're at all in control of a situation ( eg you've been asked to estimate how long something will take ), be realistic and don't commit yourself to something you can't do without working all the hours god sends. If you do have some level of control, and you struggle balancing your workload, ask for some help with time management.

Try to take a step back occassionally and look at the bigger picture and decide which if your tasks are the most important. There are always priorities.

If all else fails and the job is making you miserable, then start looking for another one. You're probably much more highly regarded by your management than you give yourself credit for, so when the requests for references start coming through then they might sit up and take notice.

If you do end up leaving the job and they do exit interviews then explain why you're leaving. Chances are it'll make no difference to how they treat folk in the future, but if they don't know, they certainly won't change !

I didn't consider time/stress management training at all, I'm sure there's something. Saying no is indeed a struggle for me. I'm crap at it, I've got people coming at me from all angles normally and everything's urgent for them (not for me usually lol), I just go to jelly when I've got people nagging me. And yes, working on forging other opportunities is also on the agenda, when I have the energy.

Thanks to all of you for your advice/support. It really helps. I'm only replying now because I've not had the energy to do so at the time you wrote last week. Still feeling like I've been sedated or something. Bit of a mess really. Roll on mid December.

 

[BiggyRat]

Yeah I sometimes kinda get the feeling this may be happening. But then again as I said before I might just be imagining it. It's hard to say at this point really.

Then it's worth getting someone else's opinion. If you let it go, your self doubt builds & you can lose track of things you've done & begin to constantly second guess yourself. If you can identify it, then you can counteract it.

 

[EFCPaul]

I know it's late but I can't sleep and have been reading this thread trying to catch up from where I last checked a few weeks back. It always warms my heart up nice when I read the genuine care, support and advice people show complete strangers in here, no matter what it is you want to write about.

I just want to inform everyone that I'm feeling A LOT better than I was earlier in the year when I previously detailed how I'd resigned from a soul-destroying job that was causing me serious mental health problems. I got a new job shortly after that I'm still at and I'm pleased how different it is. It took a few weeks to get used too to begin with and I had some scars that fully needed to heal but heal they did and I feel very happy in it now. It's the polar opposite of the last one, the people are friendly, the atmosphere isn't at all toxic and the work is not a million miles hour. As a result my confidence has come up tenfold and I suffer from anxiety far less than I used too, I don't know if anybody has noticed that I've seemed a bit more cheerful and up for a laugh on here over the past few months.

I think it may have been @BiggyRat who posted in here once about how he'd love to put "aged" hims' brain into younger hims' body. I completely agree with that now, when I go back and read my previous posts where I wrote about how awful I was feeling I can honestly say I barely recognise that person now, I feel I've come forward so much in just a few months. Sure things are not perfect and I'm still not where I'd like to be in an ideal world but I'm very content with what I have and how I'm feeling right now whereas back in March/April time I would go home after every shift and nearly cry. The people who used to intimidate me so much in the previous job because of my low-confidence, the people I allowed to talk to me like complete garbage, if current me could swap places with at-the-time me I'd probably fly off the handle, give the big "WHO THE EFF ARE YOU TALKING TOO EH?!" speech. I feel embarrassed now that I look back, how did I have so little respect for myself? If I saw that manager now I'd be desperate to punch his face in but alas, I'll settle for just snarling him the bad tool. I can be a hot-head but only when I feel I've been genuinely wronged.

If the current October 2016 me could talk to the late 2015/early 2016 me I feel I could help him so much. I'd put my arm around myself, pat myself on the cheek in big-brotherly way and say "you're better than this, you don't deserve what you're going through. YOU have the power to end this, stop letting these cretins get to you so much." I needed that so badly at the time but there was no one to do it because I was too reluctant to open up for a long time so I my depression fester and get worse. It was a terrible decision looking back but I've learnt from and gotten stronger because of it.

For me a bad day used to be having to lock myself in the toilet to catch my breath and prevent a full emotional meltdown in front of my colleagues. A bad day now is a customer getting on my nerves a bit and making me be late for my lunch or the bus home, it's forgotten about within half an hour!

When I read what other people are going through on here it doesn't half put things into perspective for me, I'd being 100% willing to help anyone to feel better if I can. Thanks if you bothered to read any of that! Time I tried to get a kip.

 

[COYBL25]

I know it's late but I can't sleep and have been reading this thread trying to catch up from where I last checked a few weeks back. It always warms my heart up nice when I read the genuine care, support and advice people show complete strangers in here, no matter what it is you want to write about.

I just want to inform everyone that I'm feeling A LOT better than I was earlier in the year when I previously detailed how I'd resigned from a soul-destroying job that was causing me serious mental health problems. I got a new job shortly after that I'm still at and I'm pleased how different it is. It took a few weeks to get used too to begin with and I had some scars that fully needed to heal but heal they did and I feel very happy in it now. It's the polar opposite of the last one, the people are friendly, the atmosphere isn't at all toxic and the work is not a million miles hour. As a result my confidence has come up tenfold and I suffer from anxiety far less than I used too, I don't know if anybody has noticed that I've seemed a bit more cheerful and up for a laugh on here over the past few months.

I think it may have been @BiggyRat who posted in here once about how he'd love to put "aged" hims' brain into younger hims' body. I completely agree with that now, when I go back and read my previous posts where I wrote about how awful I was feeling I can honestly say I barely recognise that person now, I feel I've come forward so much in just a few months. Sure things are not perfect and I'm still not where I'd like to be in an ideal world but I'm very content with what I have and how I'm feeling right now whereas back in March/April time I would go home after every shift and nearly cry. The people who used to intimidate me so much in the previous job because of my low-confidence, the people I allowed to talk to me like complete garbage, if current me could swap places with at-the-time me I'd probably fly off the handle, give the big "WHO THE EFF ARE YOU TALKING TOO EH?!" speech. I feel embarrassed now that I look back, how did I have so little respect for myself? If I saw that manager now I'd be desperate to punch his face in but alas, I'll settle for just snarling him the bad tool. I can be a hot-head but only when I feel I've been genuinely wronged.

If the current October 2016 me could talk to the late 2015/early 2016 me I feel I could help him so much. I'd put my arm around myself, pat myself on the cheek in big-brotherly way and say "you're better than this, you don't deserve what you're going through. YOU have the power to end this, stop letting these cretins get to you so much." I needed that so badly at the time but there was no one to do it because I was too reluctant to open up for a long time so I my depression fester and get worse. It was a terrible decision looking back but I've learnt from and gotten stronger because of it.

For me a bad day used to be having to lock myself in the toilet to catch my breath and prevent a full emotional meltdown in front of my colleagues. A bad day now is a customer getting on my nerves a bit and making me be late for my lunch or the bus home, it's forgotten about within half an hour!

When I read what other people are going through on here it doesn't half put things into perspective for me, I'd being 100% willing to help anyone to feel better if I can. Thanks if you bothered to read any of that! Time I tried to get a kip.

Well in mate. It's great to such a positive post. Hopefully others can take inspiration from such positivity.

Made my day

 

[BiggyRat]

I think it may have been @BiggyRat who posted in here once about how he'd love to put "aged" hims' brain into younger hims' body.

I think it was me but I've put on too much weight fit it in now... As COYBL25 said, well in...good post. Happy to read it.