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Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

big bobs beard said:
Gutted for you. For her to throw away an 8 year relationship, house etc I bet it is a whole lot more than a drunken kiss whilst away with work, she will be planning a future elsewhere for her to be so cold and hard hearted, harsh sounding I know but @durham toffeee and @ the binman chronicles will know this feelng too. She will be trying to spare your feelings but it's like ripping a plaster off or hair by hair, either way it's painful for you and you are left wondering. Don't give up on your house like I did, if she wants to walk away it's her decision make her go, it might even make her realise the enormity of what she is doing, but tbh I reckon she has plans afoot already. Stay in the house mate, don't make it easy for her.
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Yes I would echo those comments, she can't think it's all hers, some people are that silly that they will move a friend in for a bit or someone will twist the situation in her mind where she could possibly change the locks (this is all hypothetical and she may be totally not like this, but it's something that can well happen if you are not on top of it)

I can undestand @larrygobfiend though for wanting out of the house and getting his mind together before having the big talk of what to do with the property though. I lived in the house with my ex for a 4 month period after we split up and it is awkward to say the least.

I got to keep the house in my situation as the mortgage payments were over 80% of her salary and to be honest it was difficult enough for me for a few years to cover it on my own. It didn't stop her friends/colleagues/family sticking their oars and she was coming back with how much she should be paid off for it. This was back in 2009 and we would have got around 40k less for the house than we paid for it had we sold it at that point, so i told her she was getting nothing (see point above for struggling as it was nevermind taking a loan out on top) and if she pushed it I would sell it and we could split the negative equity. Even if i took 25k or so of it i reckon i could have got back on my feet way quicker than she could have. Funny enough that smoothed the path to get things sorted.

When we were sorting out the final paperwork with the solicitors about 5-6 months later (took so long as it was complicated due to a part being owned by the builder) she said that her work 'friend' didn't like her that way after all and i could see she wanted back. At this point i had already got with someone else so that fell on deaf ears. This is why I mentioned that she may realise which way her bread is buttered when push comes to shove, I had 3 previous small week or two long break ups in the previous 11 years, which made me think i can never be stable and settled with her in the end, but yours seems out of the blue so it might be possible to reconcile if the truth is there and the will from both sides.
 
big bobs beard said:
This is sneaky but log on to her phone records, every call and text will be listed and you will soon see if a drunken kiss or prolonged texting/ calling and whatever else relationship has been going on which has given her the confidence/ position to walk away. Will set your mind at rest either way.
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This is how I found out (after weeks of knowing sonething was up) but we were still together at that part. For what its worth i wouldn't do that in @larrygobfiend position as he has already indicated it's over anyhow, so not really much to gain. Hopefully she will be completely honest (eventually) if she still has hope of staying together.

I regret checking her phone as it was another thing that was used against me afterwards.
 
I feel the exact same mate and from time to time it gets bettter but i still have many days like this. Iv just got used to it now sadly. im my worst enemy iv told myself many times that the only person that can help me is myself. Its hard though
 
Thought this was a good article, it is pretty long so only linked a portion but hopefully the full post provides some help for anyone going through a rough patch.
https://www.popehat.com/2015/05/21/happy-to-be-here/
I'm still here. That's a consequence of the grace, and love, and generosity, and decency of others, and my own ridiculously good luck. I'm here, I feel good — not just okay, but good — and I'm very happy to still be here. Not only that, I feel hope. If you haven't been depressed, that may seem like just a little thing, but it's not. I don't feel the hope that I'll never have a low point of anxiety and depression again. It's going to happen again; that's the deal. No: I feel hope that when it happens again, I have the tools to face it.

Every time I write about depression, I feel like I'm having the naked-at-school dream, exposed and poised for incoming ridicule. No matter how often I say that depression is nothing to be ashamed of, and how sincerely I believe it in my head, my gut tells me otherwise. But every time I write about depression, I get emails from people thanking me for talking openly about the subject and for describing what it's like. And, as I said, I'm only here because of the decency of others. I owe back. I owe back more than I can possibly repay. A little squeamishness doesn't weigh much in the balance.

So here we are. I'm Ken, and though I live an outwardly "normal," high-functioning and successful life, I suffer from grave anxiety and depression, and last year it got bad enough that I was hospitalized "voluntarily" for it.2 Maybe you suffer, or maybe you love somebody who suffers, or maybe you want to understand depression and anxiety more so you can support people who suffer. I want to share some things I've learned in the course of a harrowing experience, in hope that it might help someone, even a little.
 
Gone through a rough patch the past few days due to more work-related grief.

A 30-year old single mum recently joined and it's very clear she is into me, to the extent where I am starting to feel very uncomfortable around her because she being too full-on. It's no fault of hers, I think she thinks I'm interested too but I'm not (I honestly considered it being a single lad but have decided to steer clear, it's grief I definitely don't need).

Several colleagues have subtly picked up on it and passed comment, only jokingly and not meant to be mean-spirited but the point is this is not a situation I find funny. All the ifs and buts have stressed me out so badly to the extent that I've had to take several moments to myself during the day today just to clear my head. I don't like the idea that people are possibly talking one bit, that people are starting view me as something of a player boy who wants any woman in sight (I'm absolutely not that). I've described before how toxic the atmosphere is at the best of times, people talk so much crap about others and you can't help let it affect your view of them. Because of this in the past few months I purposely kept myself as far away from the dramas that engulfed several other colleagues to avoid any grief (because I was busy trying to get my own head right in which I feel I've largely succeeded in).

I'd previously asked two other colleagues (my own age) out with good intentions, one said no and the other said yes only to change her mind and mess me around. After the second episode I decided to just follow the advice of everyone on here and people I know who told me to never attempt to mix my personal and professional lives again because it only caused me problems and I really did intend follow that logic but then this has happened. A new woman I made honest friends with because she was down to Earth (but I'm not really interested in that way), only for to have her start overtly flirting with me. I've had it off someone I trust that she has confirmed to them she likes me (which means my suspicions were correct all along). A lot of lads in my position I think would probably throw away their self-respect after getting two knock-backs and be more than willing to hook up with a third girl who is all over them but not me. My common sense is screaming at me to stay well away from that because I've only just regained my self-respect and natural feelings of confidence after many dark months, I'm not willing to part with it again so soon by getting myself into a messy situation like that that will surely only come back to haunt me.

I'm worried though the damage is already done, that people have seen us interacting, seen her approach, know about my previous knock-backs (nothing stays secret in there) and just assume we have done the dirty. That's a lot to assume I know but that's what my gut is telling me and my gut instinct in other previous instances has been proven right so I can't doubt it now, my gut is all I have at the end of the day in this situation. I'm really not sure how best to deal with this. How to make clear to this woman I'm not interested but in a friendly way so there's no fallout, this hasn't happened to me before and I don't want to hurt or embarrass her especially after how I've recently been on the other end of this. I don't want her to feel like I did with the second girl who outright ignored me to make clear her feelings. And how do I quell the rumours I think, don't know but think, are going around about us? I normally wouldn't care about what a gang of arseholes are saying with their silly little gossiping but I do care about the opinions of certain others who have recently appeared to coming round to me. I don't want a reputation as idiot who's desperate because I'm the opposite of that, I'm turning down a free invitation virtually because of what I know would happen afterwards.

That was long and therapeutic. Anyone got heartfelt advice, it always helps me normally. :)
 
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PaulieMc said:
Gone through a rough patch the past few days due to more work-related grief.

A 30-year old single mum recently joined and it's very clear she is into me, to the extent where I am starting to feel very uncomfortable around her because she being too full-on. It's no fault of hers, I think she thinks I'm interested too but I'm not (I honestly considered it being a single lad but have decided to steer clear, it's grief I definitely don't need).

Several colleagues have subtly picked up on it and passed comment, only jokingly and not meant to be mean-spirited but the point is this is not a situation I find funny. All the ifs and buts have stressed me out so badly to the extent that I've had to take several moments to myself during the day today just to clear my head. I don't like the idea that people are possibly talking one bit, that people are starting view me as something of a player boy who wants any woman in sight (I'm absolutely not that). I've described before how toxic the atmosphere is at the best of times, people talk so much crap about others and you can't help let it affect your view of them. Because of this in the past few months I purposely kept myself as far away from the dramas that engulfed several other colleagues to avoid any grief (because I was busy trying to get my own head right in which I feel I've largely succeeded in).

I'd previously asked two other colleagues (my own age) out with good intentions, one said no and the other said yes only to change her mind and mess me around. After the second episode I decided to just follow the advice of everyone on here and people I know who told me to never attempt to mix my personal and professional lives again because it only caused me problems and I really did intend follow that logic but then this has happened. A new woman I made honest friends with because she was down to Earth (but I'm not really interested in that way), only for to have her start overtly flirting with me. I've had it off someone I trust that she has confirmed to them she likes me (which means my suspicions were correct all along). A lot of lads in my position I think would probably throw away their self-respect after getting two knock-backs and be more than willing to hook up with a third girl who is all over them but not me. My common sense is screaming at me to stay well away from that because I've only just regained my self-respect and natural feelings confidence after many dark months, I'm not willing to part with it again so soon by getting myself into a messy situation like that.

I'm worried though the damage is already done, that people have seen us interacting, seen her approach, know about my previous knock-backs and just assume we have done the dirty. That's a lot to assume I know but that's what my guy is telling me and my gut instinct in other previous instances has been proven right so I can't doubt it now, my gut is all I have at the end of the day in this situation. I'm really not sure how best to deal with this. How to make clear to this woman I'm not interested but in a friendly way so there's no fallout, this hasn't happened to me before and I don't want to hurt or embarrass her especially after how I've recently been on the other end of this. I don't want her to feel like I did with the second girl who outright ignored me to make clear her feelings. And how do I quell the rumours I think, don't know but think, are going around about us? I normally wouldn't care about what a gang of arseholes are saying with their silly little gossiping but I do care about the opinions of certain others who have recently appeared to coming round to me. I don't want a reputation as idiot who's desperate because I'm the opposite of that, I'm turning down a free invitation virtually because of what I know would happen afterwards.

That was long and therapeutic. Anyone got heartfelt advice, it always helps me normally. :)
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Are you giving this girl a chance mate ?

Just because the other two didn't work out, doesn't mean this girl is like them.

Also it's got nothing to do with anyone else.

I know you're heads battered by what's been going on in work, but this could be the chance of something positive - fate / karma etc x
 
COYBL25 said:
Are you giving this girl a chance mate ?

Just because the other two didn't work out, doesn't mean this girl is like them.

Also it's got nothing to do with anyone else.

I know you're heads battered by what's been going on in work, but this could be the chance of something positive - fate / karma etc x
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Nah mate I appreciate what you're saying but I'm definitely not going there with this one. I'm 23, she's 30 and just split up with the father of her 7 year old and she isn't really my type anyway. A lot of people would probably just do the deed and then walk off not giving a hoot what others might think but not me, I have morals and my state of mind is too fragile anyway. I like her as a mate honestly but that's it, I never once dreamed this would happen, especially on the heels of everything else that's happened recently.

I know she's VERY interested, she's been flirting to the point where I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable. She hasn't touched me or said anything inappropriate, she's just very full-on. Asking me to get something out her handbag, always asking if she can walk home with me, making excuses to come and talk to me whilst I'm working, hanging her coat on top of mine in the cloakroom (when there's an empty row of pegs). One of the few colleagues I like and trust has confirmed to me that this woman has admitted she's chasing me. It's absolute wrecked my head, just when I was settling down and getting better.
 
PaulieMc said:
Nah mate I appreciate what you're saying but I'm definitely not going there with this one. I'm 23, she's 30 and just split up with the father of her 7 year old and she isn't really my type anyway. A lot of people would probably just do the deed and then walk off not giving a hoot what others might think but not me, I have morals and my state of mind is too fragile anyway. I like her as a mate honestly but that's it, I never once dreamed this would happen, especially on the heels of everything else that's happened recently.

I know she's VERY interested, she's been flirting to the point where I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable. She hasn't touched me or said anything inappropriate, she's just very full-on. Asking me to get something out her handbag, always asking if she can walk home with me, making excuses to come and talk to me whilst I'm working, hanging her coat on top of mine in the cloakroom (when there's an empty row of pegs). One of the few colleagues I like and trust has confirmed to me that this woman has admitted she's chasing me. It's absolute wrecked my head, just when I was settling down and getting better.
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You're a decent fella mate, I'm sure she won't take a gentle let down too badly x

@LinekersLegs can you help with advice on letting a lady down gently ?
 

mkrudden said:
Before you sit down with her - have a think about what you're missing in your life. In these circumstances, where it all feels a bit desperate, you can easily fall into conceding everything to hang on to the person you love. Making all the sacrifices.

In reality, it's absolutely a compromise.
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While this was meant for someone else it is exactly what I needed to read right now. Thanks.
 

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