Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[flippa]

Guys, apologies if this is in the wrong place but I really need some advice on something that has been bothering me for a while. Nothing to do with me personally but part of the advice is whether I should actually do/say something.

If you will indulge me: In my last job I represented a member who was always on the sick. She had a horrendous upbringing, really bad emotional and physical abuse by her stepfather. As a result developed a compulsive eating order and she is huge- I mean really huge - so big that the little hopper buses wouldn't stop for her because she couldn't fit on them. About 7 years ago she took redundancy, I've always stayed in touch with her and call round every now and again to see her. I think I'm the only real life person she sees, her whole life is conducted via the Internet, she never goes out and family visitors are few and far between. At Christmas she stays in and her Mum visits and brings her a Christmas dinner on Boxing Day (which I think is really mean) She's always been an evangelical Christian, and I quite enjoy having a good old-fashioned religion and politics debate with her but just lately she seems to have come under the influence of one of these US evangelists. Her only income is benefits and she's given loads to him- apparently he said if you are overweight then you don't need to eat so hand over the money. He also preaches Word Of Faith which basically says the only reason people are sick is because their faith is not strong enough (tell that to Bradley Lowery's family) She is therefore also spending a fortune phoning prayer lines every time she gets a pain/cough/cold and tells me about the "healing testimony" I've googled this guy, he's worth $10m. My gut instinct is that he's a total charlatan and he preys on vulnerable people.

So here's my dilemma, do I say something to her and tell her that I think she's being fleeced or leave her to it. She has so many issues that it makes my blood boil to think that she is being taken advantage of.

Thanks

Bit late to respond, sorry- but is there anyway you can speak to her mum? Would be good to get someone else close to her aware and involved. This sounds like a situation that could spiral out of control very quickly and leave your friend in huge debt. And (as you know) it's not addressing the reasons why she is complusively eating. I would recommend trying to sensitively address it with her, but perhaps approach from the angle of how her actions make you feel? And perhaps suggest an alternative route, that if she wants to give money to a Christian charity that she saves from a better diet, you could help her set up a bank account, and at the end of the year, help her pick a few worthy charities? that might take her focus off this guy at least.

 

[flippa]

The thing with counselling, as I said above, there never seems to be any follow up.

The leeches that do it by the hour charge anywhere from £25-£60 p/h.

At least with the NHS ones you know they've gone into a career because they care. The private practice ones would feel like they're just there for the money.

I would have loved my ones at Access Sefton to have just carried on forever, but I suppose it is defeating the object of needing it I the first place.

Is it ok to ask, what kind of follow up do you expect from counselling? (Not meant aggressively, just asking in case I can give any suggestions)

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Bit late to respond, sorry- but is there anyway you can speak to her mum? Would be good to get someone else close to her aware and involved. This sounds like a situation that could spiral out of control very quickly and leave your friend in huge debt. And (as you know) it's not addressing the reasons why she is complusively eating. I would recommend trying to sensitively address it with her, but perhaps approach from the angle of how her actions make you feel? And perhaps suggest an alternative route, that if she wants to give money to a Christian charity that she saves from a better diet, you could help her set up a bank account, and at the end of the year, help her pick a few worthy charities? that might take her focus off this guy at least.

Thanks for that. It's a really good idea. She was telling me last time I saw her how this man claimed to have raised his son from the dead! She's a lovely person - very intelligent too but because of her previous experiences she feels unloved, unwanted and unworthy. I think this guy's particular brand of "Christianity" is feeding off that. Thanks again x

 

[GwladysBlue]

Is it ok to ask, what kind of follow up do you expect from counselling? (Not meant aggressively, just asking in case I can give any suggestions)

Just to see if the person is still going through with the techniques used in counselling.

Generally just to see how everything is going.

 

[flippa]

Just to see if the person is still going through with the techniques used in counselling.

Generally just to see how everything is going.

Ah ok. Well, this is just my opinion, but that perhaps is an unfair expectation. Perhaps it's because we feel so vulnerable and exposed with a counsellor that we have different expectations of them, but it is ultimately a job for them, they aren't responsible for our choices and actions. If you go to a physio with a bad back, and they give you a course of treatment for it, and then you stopped going, would you expect them to contact you at a later date to check if everything's going ok? Counsellors aren't there to care personally about us, but they are there to hopefully set us on the right course to a healthier mental state but, just like physio, ultimately only we can "put the time in" to make it work. A good counsellor should have been able to help you be self-aware enough to carry out your own follow through, without needing them (I guess like mental/emotional physio exercises!)

Maybe -if you do decide to see another therapist- you could discuss expectations at the start, which might help? I say that because with my therapist we discussed it, and moved from weekly, to fortnightly, to monthly, to "when I need to check in" sessions which, for me, has worked well. But I do understand that counselling doesn't work for everyone, so I respect your opinion.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it helps you to a better place.

 

[GwladysBlue]

Ah ok. Well, this is just my opinion, but that perhaps is an unfair expectation. Perhaps it's because we feel so vulnerable and exposed with a counsellor that we have different expectations of them, but it is ultimately a job for them, they aren't responsible for our choices and actions. If you go to a physio with a bad back, and they give you a course of treatment for it, and then you stopped going, would you expect them to contact you at a later date to check if everything's going ok? Counsellors aren't there to care personally about us, but they are there to hopefully set us on the right course to a healthier mental state but, just like physio, ultimately only we can "put the time in" to make it work. A good counsellor should have been able to help you be self-aware enough to carry out your own follow through, without needing them (I guess like mental/emotional physio exercises!)

Maybe -if you do decide to see another therapist- you could discuss expectations at the start, which might help? I say that because with my therapist we discussed it, and moved from weekly, to fortnightly, to monthly, to "when I need to check in" sessions which, for me, has worked well. But I do understand that counselling doesn't work for everyone, so I respect your opinion.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it helps you to a better place.

I know exactly what you mean and I do agree, to an extent.

As I mentioned above, it defeats the object of going to counselling if it is something you're going to rely on forever.

If, however, they had a system in place that after 3-6 months a phone call was made just to check-up, the person could say if things are still going well. If they aren't, they don't have to go through the hassle of: GP appointment, then a referral, and then the usually long waiting list.

The majority of people who go to counselling end up going back. I first went when I was 19 in 2012 and then again when I was 23 in 2016, if I end up coming back again, that'll be my third stint and I'm not even 25!

 

[USABlue]

bit of a rough time at the moment, we moved recently to save money and downsize. I've been working part time as a substitute teacher and as a tutor at a school and my mom was a librarian at a different school. now my mom has lost her job of 18 years as they said you need to have a specific degree for library sciences now ( obviously didn't need it 18 years ago) sadly Virginia is an at-all will employer so nothing she can do about it. Not sure what we are going to do as we just bought this house. Hopefully we both can find something fulltime soon. She has a lot of office work experience for the government in the past but she's afraid her age will ruin her chances.

 

[evertondotcom]

I love reading this thread.

I've never called myself as depressed but I often feel anxious (ironically the day after being on the sale... yes I know it does that to you).

Worries about health/money etc - this thread is a great read, Keep it up.

 

[Jacob]

I know exactly what you mean and I do agree, to an extent.

As I mentioned above, it defeats the object of going to counselling if it is something you're going to rely on forever.

If, however, they had a system in place that after 3-6 months a phone call was made just to check-up, the person could say if things are still going well. If they aren't, they don't have to go through the hassle of: GP appointment, then a referral, and then the usually long waiting list.

The majority of people who go to counselling end up going back. I first went when I was 19 in 2012 and then again when I was 23 in 2016, if I end up coming back again, that'll be my third stint and I'm not even 25!

I do think too that new first time referrals -people who are new to the process and need help as quickly as possible - are naturally prioritised, with the knock on effect that finances are driven to this and away from implementing any significant form of follow up. Ive had a series of beneficial sessions with an NHS Stroke Psychologist at hospital post stroke to regain confidence and combat the depression and anxiety in the face of that and additional prior physical health issues. I was lucky to be referred a few months after my stroke as these guys are like hens teeth and usually occupied with patients in situ not out patients in the main...my referral was quick when made. When the sessions concluded before Xmas it was daunting especially with another major health problem arising at the time (its a long bloody list !) but, as Im going through now, you are because of the therapy, supposedly in a somewhat better situation to handle things a little easier. It is hard and I sometimes wish I had the crutch of attending the one to ones again, but like everything else its just a case of dealing with it head on on the better days and laying low to self heal but not wallow when things are rough. I do hope you don't need to go back again and that things turn around for you permanently as you're only young and have your life ahead of you.

 

[Deleted member 28206]

Past 18 months have been so hard, lost my nan. Left the family home to live alone, my daughter luckily escaped the MEN.

Lot to take stock of.

 

[flippa]

I know exactly what you mean and I do agree, to an extent.

As I mentioned above, it defeats the object of going to counselling if it is something you're going to rely on forever.

If, however, they had a system in place that after 3-6 months a phone call was made just to check-up, the person could say if things are still going well. If they aren't, they don't have to go through the hassle of: GP appointment, then a referral, and then the usually long waiting list.

The majority of people who go to counselling end up going back. I first went when I was 19 in 2012 and then again when I was 23 in 2016, if I end up coming back again, that'll be my third stint and I'm not even 25!

I understand more now; yes, unfortunately in cash-strapped NHS sessions are limited, and it's definitely not usually long enough to work through really deep issues, for sure (I think I was allocated 12 sessions, I didn't even bother talking about my family, as I knew that we wouldn't even scratch the surface). I guess I was trying to say that the lack of follow-up isn't the counsellors fault, but the system they work in.

Down here in London my GP also gave me details of other organisations that offer free or low-cost individual and group therapy, which could offer a bit more structure for you?

or, given the amount of people on this thread who are based in and around Liverpool, I wonder if there would be scope to set up regular "drop in" sessions for the people here? So much good advice is shared here, I wonder how if face-to-face sessions could offer that support... any ideas anyone?

 

[riddick]

Just told from brother that my mother was given her last rights less than a week after we celebrated her 70th birthday. ~450 miles away(with no flights), they are telling me to come home. Yayy....

 

[Smig1878]

Just told from brother that my mother was given her last rights less than a week after we celebrated her 70th birthday. ~450 miles away(with no flights), they are telling me to come home. Yayy....

Hi Rodrick, that sounds an awful position to be in and I hope you can all have the strength to be strong for each other. I hope you have contact with those around your Mother, if you are close to them and you are able you could try and speak to them over FaceTime/video calls it helped me when I was away and missing events myself and my family were going through, seeing the faces while I spoke was a source of strength for me. Just a thought that helped me through a sapping time.
Best thoughts with you and yours

 

[Jacob]

Past 18 months have been so hard, lost my nan. Left the family home to live alone, my daughter luckily escaped the MEN.

Lot to take stock of.

A lot of upheaval for you there...emotionally and in practical terms. 18 months is no time at all to get through that either. Hopefully, the good news of your daughter at the MEN will be the positive start of an upturn in your situation.

 

[COYBL25]

I understand more now; yes, unfortunately in cash-strapped NHS sessions are limited, and it's definitely not usually long enough to work through really deep issues, for sure (I think I was allocated 12 sessions, I didn't even bother talking about my family, as I knew that we wouldn't even scratch the surface). I guess I was trying to say that the lack of follow-up isn't the counsellors fault, but the system they work in.

Down here in London my GP also gave me details of other organisations that offer free or low-cost individual and group therapy, which could offer a bit more structure for you?

or, given the amount of people on this thread who are based in and around Liverpool, I wonder if there would be scope to set up regular "drop in" sessions for the people here? So much good advice is shared here, I wonder how if face-to-face sessions could offer that support... any ideas anyone?

Your idea of " drop in " sessions is a very good one, but nothing happens / can without referrals from one health care proffesional or another.