Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

GwladysBlue said:
I did have that one person who I told first. It was my best mate who meant everything to me. Here is an extract of when I first came out in this thread back in 2014 (shows how much of my life I'm wasting):

I'm 21 years old and even writing this down now, knowing I'm likely to never see any of you is hard. I'm a closeted gay, though out to two of my close friends, it can be hard to hide this secret life from your parents and family.

One of them close friends, the first one I told in December 2013, turned out to also be a closeted gay. I didn't know this until last year. We'd known and been mates with each other for 12 years. Stupidly we'd slept together last year and a couple of times since. He reacted badly twice and I was on the receiving end of a brutal beating last time. He has a girlfriend. Haven't spoken to him now since May, nor seen him since February. He was my main support network. Now I just feel like I was only ever in his life because he fancied me and knew that he had the control for it to happen.

When I told my mum and dad in 2014, I thought that would be it, it's done. My Dad didn't take it great at first, though. They thought it best not to tell the rest of the family. They support and love me, they've no problem with it themselves now, but still haven't told any of the extended family.

So now, I've just carried on living this false life, instead of being open about it. I've lied to everyone in work, I've lied to my family, I've lied to every possible mate I've had since then. I even lied to a girl I was going out with last year.

I've retreated so far back into the closet, I can't even see Narnia anymore.

I'm under so much pressure and to make it worse, I have an exam tomorrow for a course in work I've been doing that I just know I'm going to fail. I have to go into work then with that hanging over me.
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I'm so sorry I'm late replying dude- and to see you didn't pass your exam. Have been away from the internet what with birthday celebrations and entering middle-agedom!

Really shocked to hear your story- It must be so tough to have gone through that. But at the same time you have, and I wish I could make you realise that in still being here today you are stronger and more of a man than 99% of the rest of us.

The only comparison I can give is that when I was going through uni and the 'coming out' process, I had what felt to me the worst experience of my life. I was laughed out of bed for my 'size.' It destroyed me- and coming from a 'man'- was something that nearly forced me back in.

Truth be told, I've only forged one intimate relationship since, and haven't actually been with anyone for over five years now.

It all comes down to the confidence in yourself. I've had some really intensive counselling as of late now and I can honestly say over the past few months, I've had more confidence than I've had in the whole of my life.

It's actually like creating a new persona from scratch- but trust me it is so refreshing.

Don't lose hope with everything that has happened to date in your life. The exam situation too is something that really can be fixed.

I'd suggest taking some time to yourself and going to your safe place just to get back on an even setting. Just take yourself away and focus on YOU. Then I plead with you- look at that counselling- phone your local Mind office. You will get the help as long as you keep searching.

If you get the help to increase your own confidence and start attacking those horrifically negative voices, only then can you address those things (like coming out- given how negatively it turned out before.) Trust me, things may turn out completely differently next time.

But first, you've got to look out for you first- and that must be done by you. You are worth it mate, just by revealing the things you have done on here, you're an incredible human. So please, take it easy on yourself. I'm going to PM you too. XX
 
I've really been under pressure at work. My anxiety has got worse. Went out on Thursday and got ridiculously drunk for the first time in over 20 years (I used to do it a lot). Threw up in a taxi and had to pay the driver loads of money to stop him taking me to the police. Then got home and had no control over my bodily functions. My wife called the paramedics. Now she can barely look at me. Really messed things up this time.
 

hallamblue said:
I've really been under pressure at work. My anxiety has got worse. Went out on Thursday and got ridiculously drunk for the first time in over 20 years (I used to do it a lot). Threw up in a taxi and had to pay the driver loads of money to stop him taking me to the police. Then got home and had no control over my bodily functions. My wife called the paramedics. Now she can barely look at me. Really messed things up this time.
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Forgot to mention it was my wedding anniversary on Friday to add insult to injury
 
hallamblue said:
Forgot to mention it was my wedding anniversary on Friday to add insult to injury
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Has your missus cooled down yet ?

It's worth ago explaining that you've been under a lot of pressure in work and that things have been getting on top of you as a result ?.

If it's twenty years since you last went on a bender, I'd say you're entitled to a bit of leeway and forgiveness ?.

( it's the other way round in our house, my missus is the bad one when she gets going on the ale )
 
COYBL25 said:
Has your missus cooled down yet ?

It's worth ago explaining that you've been under a lot of pressure in work and that things have been getting on top of you as a result ?.

If it's twenty years since you last went on a bender, I'd say you're entitled to a bit of leeway and forgiveness ?.

( it's the other way round in our house, my missus is the bad one when she gets going on the ale )
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She knows, we've both been stressed. Her family aren't drinkers like mine so I don't get any leeway. I think her anger is down to 8/10 now.
 
I'm beginning to wonder if supporting Everton is a good idea. I've spent the entire match today burning my arm and leg with a cigarette. My right arm has blisters on it and I'm in a ton of pain. And I've done it every time we've lost. I've cut or burned myself. I have a fading scar on my left thigh of '1995', which I carved into my thigh after a kopite friend made fun of us after the Derby. And I know I'll keep doing it, and this is considering I can't even go the match anymore because the last time I went, I had to leave at half time because I was having a panic attack.

I don't even know why I do it. I never did it in the 90s. I was self-harming then but football never triggered it. Now, whenever we lose, it makes me angry and frustrated and sad and I can't hurt RK or the players, so I take it out on my body.

I'm not like this with other teams. Just Everton. And I'm really ashamed of myself. It's not a normal reaction. Other fans don't do this.
 

goodisonopheliac said:
I'm beginning to wonder if supporting Everton is a good idea. I've spent the entire match today burning my arm and leg with a cigarette. My right arm has blisters on it and I'm in a ton of pain. And I've done it every time we've lost. I've cut or burned myself. I have a fading scar on my left thigh of '1995', which I carved into my thigh after a kopite friend made fun of us after the Derby. And I know I'll keep doing it, and this is considering I can't even go the match anymore because the last time I went, I had to leave at half time because I was having a panic attack.

I don't even know why I do it. I never did it in the 90s. I was self-harming then but football never triggered it. Now, whenever we lose, it makes me angry and frustrated and sad and I can't hurt RK or the players, so I take it out on my body.

I'm not like this with other teams. Just Everton. And I'm really ashamed of myself. It's not a normal reaction. Other fans don't do this.
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Have you ever seen anyone or got any type of help mate ?
 
goodisonopheliac said:
I'm beginning to wonder if supporting Everton is a good idea. I've spent the entire match today burning my arm and leg with a cigarette. My right arm has blisters on it and I'm in a ton of pain. And I've done it every time we've lost. I've cut or burned myself. I have a fading scar on my left thigh of '1995', which I carved into my thigh after a kopite friend made fun of us after the Derby. And I know I'll keep doing it, and this is considering I can't even go the match anymore because the last time I went, I had to leave at half time because I was having a panic attack.

I don't even know why I do it. I never did it in the 90s. I was self-harming then but football never triggered it. Now, whenever we lose, it makes me angry and frustrated and sad and I can't hurt RK or the players, so I take it out on my body.

I'm not like this with other teams. Just Everton. And I'm really ashamed of myself. It's not a normal reaction. Other fans don't do this.
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Mate, I'm really not trying to talk down to you, but that's really not healthy. You really ought to see someone about that. Self-harm is never something to be "ok" with.
 
goodisonopheliac said:
I'm beginning to wonder if supporting Everton is a good idea. I've spent the entire match today burning my arm and leg with a cigarette. My right arm has blisters on it and I'm in a ton of pain. And I've done it every time we've lost. I've cut or burned myself. I have a fading scar on my left thigh of '1995', which I carved into my thigh after a kopite friend made fun of us after the Derby. And I know I'll keep doing it, and this is considering I can't even go the match anymore because the last time I went, I had to leave at half time because I was having a panic attack.

I don't even know why I do it. I never did it in the 90s. I was self-harming then but football never triggered it. Now, whenever we lose, it makes me angry and frustrated and sad and I can't hurt RK or the players, so I take it out on my body.

I'm not like this with other teams. Just Everton. And I'm really ashamed of myself. It's not a normal reaction. Other fans don't do this.
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Ps - I'm not an expert mate, but from the little I know, there's normally a trigger for this ( poor Everton performances )and that's why getting help is so crucially important in managing this
 
goodisonopheliac said:
I'm beginning to wonder if supporting Everton is a good idea. I've spent the entire match today burning my arm and leg with a cigarette. My right arm has blisters on it and I'm in a ton of pain. And I've done it every time we've lost. I've cut or burned myself. I have a fading scar on my left thigh of '1995', which I carved into my thigh after a kopite friend made fun of us after the Derby. And I know I'll keep doing it, and this is considering I can't even go the match anymore because the last time I went, I had to leave at half time because I was having a panic attack.

I don't even know why I do it. I never did it in the 90s. I was self-harming then but football never triggered it. Now, whenever we lose, it makes me angry and frustrated and sad and I can't hurt RK or the players, so I take it out on my body.

I'm not like this with other teams. Just Everton. And I'm really ashamed of myself. It's not a normal reaction. Other fans don't do this.
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It's nothing you should feel 'ashamed' about but you should seek help with this, you say 'Other fans don't do this' but you may well be surprised, self harm seems to be on the increase, I'm sure a chat with your Doctor will help and you may feel better about things after sharing your feelings and I'm sure you will be set in the right direction to overcoming this.

Let us know how you get on.
 
goodisonopheliac said:
I'm beginning to wonder if supporting Everton is a good idea. I've spent the entire match today burning my arm and leg with a cigarette. My right arm has blisters on it and I'm in a ton of pain. And I've done it every time we've lost. I've cut or burned myself. I have a fading scar on my left thigh of '1995', which I carved into my thigh after a kopite friend made fun of us after the Derby. And I know I'll keep doing it, and this is considering I can't even go the match anymore because the last time I went, I had to leave at half time because I was having a panic attack.

I don't even know why I do it. I never did it in the 90s. I was self-harming then but football never triggered it. Now, whenever we lose, it makes me angry and frustrated and sad and I can't hurt RK or the players, so I take it out on my body.

I'm not like this with other teams. Just Everton. And I'm really ashamed of myself. It's not a normal reaction. Other fans don't do this.
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Hope you're doing all right.

At the very least I hope you don't feel ashamed of what you did for too much longer. Certainly feel regretful, but please don't feel ashamed.
 

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