Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[MrGrumpy]

I'm feeling better mate, had a stable last few days and just tried to crack on with things really. Have started a diet and have managed to stick to it so far.

Thinking about certain things that I found out about at the weekend which is currently going on upsets me a bit still but i'm coming to terms with the fact that there's just nothing I can do about it, no matter how much headspace I afford it. My mate had some wise words when I sort of poured it all out for him, he kept ramming home the message of "you've got to stop comparing yourself to other people and telling yourself you're no good. You've got to be proud of yourself, all the things that make you unique are why I and other people like you."

It kind of hit home and was nice to hear. Not going to drink for a few weeks because I want to stick to my diet and get myself fit again.

I suppose everything will come together at the perfect time. Thanks very much for asking.

That’s great to hear mate, glad everything seems better, going on a diet is a great idea. Just remember something that’s bad today might not be tomorrow.
Well done on giving up the ale

 

[goodisonopheliac]

I need to stay the hell off Twitter. I'm tired and in loads of pain and the stupidest thing has pushed me to self-harm again. It was Liverpool, and seeing a friend of mine who DGAF about football but fancies Klopp liking pro-Liverpool stuff posted by one of the guys from Space, and Big Nev's tweet about how 'only first is good enough' and the realisation that it will never happen and that I may as well give up on Everton because we will never, ever come first.

And my stupid bloody colleagues cannot or will not accept that it is possible for a 34-year-old to have chronic pain. "Oh, everyone gets tired, it's not just you." "You're only a baby." It's like they think I'm being a stupid drama queen attention whore and it makes me wonder if I should seek help and if it's not all in my head. I went boot camp on Saturday and that, plus standing up for the Manics, has really hurt my legs and back. And I've been told I should keep doing boot camp because it'll get better, but I've done boxercise for 2-3 months, and it still hurts. My punches are stronger, but that's it.

 

[R934]

Sorry of this is the wrong thread, I've no idea were to type it and the same time I've no idea why I'm typing it. But given this segement is an edit I've aready pressed the send button so yeah... No going back now.

This is difficult to type becuase it seems so petty and small compared to other peoples problems. Why I'm typing this I've no idea - I think I need to say something but I can't bring myself to do so.

I'm 25 in a weeks time and for over a year or so I've been struggling with my appearance. Pathetic I know. But the truth is I hate waking up in the morning and seeing my face covered in blotches and spots.

I willingly try to stay indoors as often as possible as I am conscious of others seeing. The silly thing is I know the majority of randomers in everyday life won't see me again, so I shouldn't give a toss - but I do.

I hate pictures getting taken so avoid, I don't meet with mates because I can't bring myself to.

The only person recently who I've made any effort with is my younger cousin. The September gone was my brothers wedding [I didn't want to go] and we just clicked. I've invited him round a faor few times and we've gone places etc. I feel with him I'm not getting judged, at the same time I know he lools up to me and I've responsibility with him.

On a mini tangent I wasn't aware at the time of the wedding he suffers with ADHD amongst other things, so it came as a total surprise to his mum and dad he connected with me. He's mates and such but nobody outside of that - and he's became like a little brother to me.

Odd to say the last 4 weeks he's gotten himself in trouble so he's been unable to stay over/speak with me and I'm rather lost.

Bringing the tangent back slightly I want to be a teacher yet have held myself back from interviews because I can't deal with it. Certain days are fine, others are horrible - it's just a continual cycle of crap.

I have tried creams, face masks, steam sauna things, light therapy, but it makes no odds.

When I'm out -going the match- I'm out and theres little I can do. But if its a bad day, I'll avoid the game if/and were possible.

I've no idea if my mum and dad suspect -unsure if right word- anything but I'm sure they do. I just can't bring myself to say anything as it really is stupid - but it's paining me up.

Why have I sent this today, no idea, but it may be time to get a realisation as I'm nearly 25 and I need to say something - I just don't know how.

I'll regret pressing send on this because once its on the internet, it's on the internet. At the same time I feel like a complete fool.

 

[COYBL25]

Sorry of this is the wrong thread, I've no idea were to type it and the same time I've no idea why I'm typing it. But given this segement is an edit I've aready pressed the send button so yeah... No going back now.

This is difficult to type becuase it seems so petty and small compared to other peoples problems. Why I'm typing this I've no idea - I think I need to say something but I can't bring myself to do so.

I'm 25 in a weeks time and for over a year or so I've been struggling with my appearance. Pathetic I know. But the truth is I hate waking up in the morning and seeing my face covered in blotches and spots.

I willingly try to stay indoors as often as possible as I am conscious of others seeing. The silly thing is I know the majority of randomers in everyday life won't see me again, so I shouldn't give a toss - but I do.

I hate pictures getting taken so avoid, I don't meet with mates because I can't bring myself to.

The only person recently who I've made any effort with is my younger cousin. The September gone was my brothers wedding [I didn't want to go] and we just clicked. I've invited him round a faor few times and we've gone places etc. I feel with him I'm not getting judged, at the same time I know he lools up to me and I've responsibility with him.

On a mini tangent I wasn't aware at the time of the wedding he suffers with ADHD amongst other things, so it came as a total surprise to his mum and dad he connected with me. He's mates and such but nobody outside of that - and he's became like a little brother to me.

Odd to say the last 4 weeks he's gotten himself in trouble so he's been unable to stay over/speak with me and I'm rather lost.

Bringing the tangent back slightly I want to be a teacher yet have held myself back from interviews because I can't deal with it. Certain days are fine, others are horrible - it's just a continual cycle of crap.

I have tried creams, face masks, steam sauna things, light therapy, but it makes no odds.

When I'm out -going the match- I'm out and theres little I can do. But if its a bad day, I'll avoid the game if/and were possible.

I've no idea if my mum and dad suspect -unsure if right word- anything but I'm sure they do. I just can't bring myself to say anything as it really is stupid - but it's paining me up.

Why have I sent this today, no idea, but it may be time to get a realisation as I'm nearly 25 and I need to say something - I just don't know how.

I'll regret pressing send on this because once its on the internet, it's on the internet. At the same time I feel like a complete fool.

This may sound a bit leftfeld mate, but I used to work with a fella that had terrible eczema. He had it everywhere and it made his life hell.

It was all over his face, as well as his body.

He`d tried everything and seen everyone, nothing worked.

He then went to some kind of health spa, that had water, that they`d made to the exact same chemical compound as the Dead Sea.

He used to bathe in it once a week and it completely cleared up his eczema ( as long as he went once a week ).

I`ve lost touch with him, but I remember it being out Frodsham / Delamere way and it not being cheap !

May be worth having a hunt around for this place or somewhere that does this - nothing ventured etc.

Ps - Don`t ever feel stupid for posting anything on here, as we`re all in it together on here x

 

[R934]

This may sound a bit leftfeld mate, but I used to work with a fella that had terrible eczema. He had it everywhere and it made his life hell.

It was all over his face, as well as his body.

He`d tried everything and seen everyone, nothing worked.

He then went to some kind of health spa, that had water, that they`d made to the exact same chemical compound as the Dead Sea.

He used to bathe in it once a week and it completely cleared up his eczema ( as long as he went once a week ).

I`ve lost touch with him, but I remember it being out Frodsham / Delamere way and it not being cheap !

May be worth having a hunt around for this place or somewhere that does this - nothing ventured etc.

Ps - Don`t ever feel stupid for posting anything on here, as we`re all in it together on here x

Really appreciate the reply
I generally 'hide' behind talcum powder or clay face masks when in the house.

Its horrible, because it is such a petty thing - I shouldn't be confine by my appearance but I am unfortunately. I hate looling in the mirror and wondering if its gonna be a good day or a bad day.

Its been the past 2 years or trying to deal with it myself, ita become a weight on my shoulders thats holding me back from doing things.

I'll look into what you said
Thank you so much for your reply

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Sorry of this is the wrong thread, I've no idea were to type it and the same time I've no idea why I'm typing it. But given this segement is an edit I've aready pressed the send button so yeah... No going back now.

This is difficult to type becuase it seems so petty and small compared to other peoples problems. Why I'm typing this I've no idea - I think I need to say something but I can't bring myself to do so.

I'm 25 in a weeks time and for over a year or so I've been struggling with my appearance. Pathetic I know. But the truth is I hate waking up in the morning and seeing my face covered in blotches and spots.

I willingly try to stay indoors as often as possible as I am conscious of others seeing. The silly thing is I know the majority of randomers in everyday life won't see me again, so I shouldn't give a toss - but I do.

I hate pictures getting taken so avoid, I don't meet with mates because I can't bring myself to.

The only person recently who I've made any effort with is my younger cousin. The September gone was my brothers wedding [I didn't want to go] and we just clicked. I've invited him round a faor few times and we've gone places etc. I feel with him I'm not getting judged, at the same time I know he lools up to me and I've responsibility with him.

On a mini tangent I wasn't aware at the time of the wedding he suffers with ADHD amongst other things, so it came as a total surprise to his mum and dad he connected with me. He's mates and such but nobody outside of that - and he's became like a little brother to me.

Odd to say the last 4 weeks he's gotten himself in trouble so he's been unable to stay over/speak with me and I'm rather lost.

Bringing the tangent back slightly I want to be a teacher yet have held myself back from interviews because I can't deal with it. Certain days are fine, others are horrible - it's just a continual cycle of crap.

I have tried creams, face masks, steam sauna things, light therapy, but it makes no odds.

When I'm out -going the match- I'm out and theres little I can do. But if its a bad day, I'll avoid the game if/and were possible.

I've no idea if my mum and dad suspect -unsure if right word- anything but I'm sure they do. I just can't bring myself to say anything as it really is stupid - but it's paining me up.

Why have I sent this today, no idea, but it may be time to get a realisation as I'm nearly 25 and I need to say something - I just don't know how.

I'll regret pressing send on this because once its on the internet, it's on the internet. At the same time I feel like a complete fool.

First up - don't ever feel like a fool. You're not.

Have you tried going to your GP? You might need antibiotics - one of my brothers had really bad skin when he was a younger. The doctor gave him antibiotics and it cleared up in no time. It could also be an allergy - Your GP could arrange allergy testing. Finally there's a thing called rosacea that can be triggered by all kinds of things -food, alcohol. stress, even a change in temperature or being in the sun. If I drink red wine I get it- my nose could give Rudolph's a run for his money! And it hurts. Holland and Barrett do a range of skin cleansers/creams called Dr Organic. I use that and it takes away the redness.

Would definitely speak to your GP though - and tell him/her how it is affecting your health and well-being.

 

[COYBL25]

Really appreciate the reply
I generally 'hide' behind talcum powder or clay face masks when in the house.

Its horrible, because it is such a petty thing - I shouldn't be confine by my appearance but I am unfortunately. I hate looling in the mirror and wondering if its gonna be a good day or a bad day.

Its been the past 2 years or trying to deal with it myself, ita become a weight on my shoulders thats holding me back from doing things.

I'll look into what you said
Thank you so much for your reply

It`s no different than someone getting a hang up about any part of their body, weight etc.

As @anjelikaferrett says, have you been to the GP or anyone else for help.

I know it may feel embarrassing and be daunting seeking help, but it`s the first step at sorting your problems out and after that first step, it always easier

 

[FC sexy xxx]

Been doing the EMDR therapy( form of physcotherapy) for a while now and I’ve got to say it’s hard. Not the actual session but the days after it my mood dips as bad as I’ve ever known it . I’ve had a boss week loads of motivation etc . then been for this session today and i feel awful now. I hope it doesn’t ruin the weekend again like it did last week . These constants ups and downs are draining . But surely it must be working if it’s having an affect on me like this . To try and get something out of it I suppose it’s got to be tough first before it gets better eh lol

 

[R934]

First up - don't ever feel like a fool. You're not.

Have you tried going to your GP? You might need antibiotics - one of my brothers had really bad skin when he was a younger. The doctor gave him antibiotics and it cleared up in no time. It could also be an allergy - Your GP could arrange allergy testing. Finally there's a thing called rosacea that can be triggered by all kinds of things -food, alcohol. stress, even a change in temperature or being in the sun. If I drink red wine I get it- my nose could give Rudolph's a run for his money! And it hurts. Holland and Barrett do a range of skin cleansers/creams called Dr Organic. I use that and it takes away the redness.

Would definitely speak to your GP though - and tell him/her how it is affecting your health and well-being.

I haven't been the GP but if I can't overcome it myself -which os seemingly the case- I will have to force myself to listen to advice.

Yesterday I ended up telling my mum as she walked my room and my heads was in a face sauna. I think I've been building to say something and its one barrier broken.

My mum -being a mum in my eyes- said I look fine and by adding all the creams etc to my face I'm extenuating any problem. That and the fact I'm a 'late developer' so shaving and spots have imo has just combined to ruin my face.

I've spoken with my cousins mum, mainly to highlight how much of an unknown help he's been to me. She also concured its me seeing things and a level of anxiety.

I've managed to get myself out the house to meet my cousin today; which will be the first time I've seen him in 4 weeks. It may be coincidental but the 4 weeks he's been grounded I haven't left the house, so it's probably whats tipped the way I feel/wanting to say something.

I'll be going the match today also (last home game I missed) as I feel nobody will be looking at me - that'll be reserved for our mate Sam

It is such a petty issue, and I know I'd hand advice to others but I'm not very good at acting upon advice.

Thank you both again for your replies

It`s no different than someone getting a hang up about any part of their body, weight etc.

As @anjelikaferrett says, have you been to the GP or anyone else for help.

I know it may feel embarrassing and be daunting seeking help, but it`s the first step at sorting your problems out and after that first step, it always easier

 

[chrismpw]

Sorry of this is the wrong thread, I've no idea were to type it and the same time I've no idea why I'm typing it. But given this segement is an edit I've aready pressed the send button so yeah... No going back now.

This is difficult to type becuase it seems so petty and small compared to other peoples problems. Why I'm typing this I've no idea - I think I need to say something but I can't bring myself to do so.

I'm 25 in a weeks time and for over a year or so I've been struggling with my appearance. Pathetic I know. But the truth is I hate waking up in the morning and seeing my face covered in blotches and spots.

I willingly try to stay indoors as often as possible as I am conscious of others seeing. The silly thing is I know the majority of randomers in everyday life won't see me again, so I shouldn't give a toss - but I do.

I hate pictures getting taken so avoid, I don't meet with mates because I can't bring myself to.

The only person recently who I've made any effort with is my younger cousin. The September gone was my brothers wedding [I didn't want to go] and we just clicked. I've invited him round a faor few times and we've gone places etc. I feel with him I'm not getting judged, at the same time I know he lools up to me and I've responsibility with him.

On a mini tangent I wasn't aware at the time of the wedding he suffers with ADHD amongst other things, so it came as a total surprise to his mum and dad he connected with me. He's mates and such but nobody outside of that - and he's became like a little brother to me.

Odd to say the last 4 weeks he's gotten himself in trouble so he's been unable to stay over/speak with me and I'm rather lost.

Bringing the tangent back slightly I want to be a teacher yet have held myself back from interviews because I can't deal with it. Certain days are fine, others are horrible - it's just a continual cycle of crap.

I have tried creams, face masks, steam sauna things, light therapy, but it makes no odds.

When I'm out -going the match- I'm out and theres little I can do. But if its a bad day, I'll avoid the game if/and were possible.

I've no idea if my mum and dad suspect -unsure if right word- anything but I'm sure they do. I just can't bring myself to say anything as it really is stupid - but it's paining me up.

Why have I sent this today, no idea, but it may be time to get a realisation as I'm nearly 25 and I need to say something - I just don't know how.

I'll regret pressing send on this because once its on the internet, it's on the internet. At the same time I feel like a complete fool.

Don't apologise, you'll find good advice in here (probably from someone else).

A friend of mine has excema. His is helped by running his bathwater through a sieve full of porridge oats and soaking in that. Helps for him, but as has been said, speak to a gp, it's why they're there.

 

[EvertonCJ]

I haven't been the GP but if I can't overcome it myself -which os seemingly the case- I will have to force myself to listen to advice.

Yesterday I ended up telling my mum as she walked my room and my heads was in a face sauna. I think I've been building to say something and its one barrier broken.

My mum -being a mum in my eyes- said I look fine and by adding all the creams etc to my face I'm extenuating any problem. That and the fact I'm a 'late developer' so shaving and spots have imo has just combined to ruin my face.

I've spoken with my cousins mum, mainly to highlight how much of an unknown help he's been to me. She also concured its me seeing things and a level of anxiety.

I've managed to get myself out the house to meet my cousin today; which will be the first time I've seen him in 4 weeks. It may be coincidental but the 4 weeks he's been grounded I haven't left the house, so it's probably whats tipped the way I feel/wanting to say something.

I'll be going the match today also (last home game I missed) as I feel nobody will be looking at me - that'll be reserved for our mate Sam

It is such a petty issue, and I know I'd hand advice to others but I'm not very good at acting upon advice.

Thank you both again for your replies

I would definitely recommend going to a GP. I've had skin problems all my life with psoriasis covering my whole body.
I visited my GP and he referred me to the dermatology dept at my local hospital.
They were open until 10pm every night and I used to visit the dept every day of the week for about 2 months.
90% of my psoriasis cleared up and ever since then, I have been able to treat the psoriasis myself.
Good luck.

 

[efcforever]

Really appreciate the reply
I generally 'hide' behind talcum powder or clay face masks when in the house.

Its horrible, because it is such a petty thing - I shouldn't be confine by my appearance but I am unfortunately. I hate looling in the mirror and wondering if its gonna be a good day or a bad day.

Its been the past 2 years or trying to deal with it myself, ita become a weight on my shoulders thats holding me back from doing things.

I'll look into what you said
Thank you so much for your reply

Hi mate.

I haven't really got anything to add other than don't feel like your issues aren't important.

We're all dealing with different problems and to echo @COYBL25 we're all in this together.

As others have said, try to get to your GP and take it from there.

Good luck and keep posting.

 

[LinekersLegs]

Wonderful speech/article by Wil Wheaton, recommend the whole thing especially the bit about small things he has found helped him when in the midst of a bad spell.
https://t.co/WVJwVARHXE?amp=1
Hi, I’m Wil Wheaton. I’m 45 years-old, I have a wonderful wife, two adult children who make me proud every day, and a daughter in-law who I love like she’s my own child. I work on the most popular comedy series in the world, I’ve been a New York Times Number One Bestselling Audiobook narrator, I have run out of space in my office for the awards I’ve received for my work, and as a white, heterosexual, cisgender man in America, I live life on the lowest difficulty setting – with the Celebrity cheat enabled.

My life is, by every objective measurement, very very good.

And in spite of all of that, I struggle every day with my self esteem, my self worth, and my value not only as an actor and writer, but as a human being.

That’s because I live with Depression and Anxiety, the tag team champions of the World Wrestling With Mental Illness Federation.

And I’m not ashamed to stand here, in front of six hundred people in this room, and millions more online, and proudly say that I live with mental illness, and that’s okay. I say “with” because even though my mental illness tries its best, it doesn’t control me, it doesn’t define me, and I refuse to be stigmatized by it.

So. My name is Wil Wheaton, and I have Chronic Depression.

It took me over thirty years to be able to say those ten words, and I suffered for most of them as a result. I suffered because though we in America have done a lot to help people who live with mental illness, we have not done nearly enough to make it okay for our fellow travelers on the wonky brain express to reach out and accept that help. I’m here today to talk with you about working to end the stigma and prejudice that surrounds mental illness in America, and as part of that, I want to share my story with you.

 

[R934]

I've ruined everything for myself.
Its the water of a ducks back moment you could say - as i've realised fully how deep routed my issues lie.

I've broken down on the way home after dropping my cousin off back at his at 2:30am.
I manipulated a situation to allow him to stay for the night.
It just so happened my dads car broke down so I used the situation to prolong him staying.
The reality is my dads car did break down, but we went the match (late I should add) and he could easily have been dropped off, instead he stayed at lours with my mum.

His mum (also my cousin) messaged asking where he was - so stated car was still broken will be getting the train - this at say 10 o'clock now.
I did genuinely go to the train, and my stupidity misread the train times. I thought the last train was 10:33pm (22:33pm) it was 23:33am.
We missed the last train and that was not through want or lack or trying as we went the station. I took and sent the train times to his mum with the crappy message its been a bullshit day and we've missed the train.
His mum saw the train times and was worried massively as it didn't add up with the picture I send - long story short the police etc have been looking for us. In the end she managed to contact someone who contacted us. and the I spoke with his mum on the phone.

The words i'm looking for don't comprehend what happen as I've tried to engineer a situation to benefit myself, at the same time I know I am massive help to my cousin (thats not my assumption i've been told).
Safe to assume its all down the pan and I've lost someone who means the absolute world to me, and has unknowing to himself been a massive support for me. The idiot inside of me is looking at this and going wtf, why? It would be making excuses to say me not seeing him for x amount of weeks has pushed me back in my shell - i've always known that every week or so there is a chance of him staying over. Alas since he was under an indefinite punishment he hasn't been allowed to see of speak with anyone (at least relative to me).
I've not had an outlet to be myself, i've not had the opportunity to be myself on the weekend, i've just locked myself up.

Reality is there is more to my perception of myself, and like I said when I broke down in the car coming home - its all spilled out.
I was tottering on saying things but always hide away from talking about it - at the same time I don't think I would have been as expressive as I have been.

This looks like a post of 'I' this 'I' that - end of the day this was my doing and I feel like i'm making excuses for myself.
Its selfish. i've lied and its manipulative what i've done yesterday/today, and lets be I care more now because I feel like i've lost my cousin.
I've known him since September of my brothers wedding, and he has become a level of responsibility that i've embraced, a level of comfort in myself, and I don't think I ever cared to admit it to anyone beforehand. There are no written or spoken words that I can express to rebuild any trust with his parents - i've been a t*t.

My only hope is from a negative situation of my causing, something good comes of it - i've spoken out to my dad and lot more openly then what I did with my mum.
I'm hurting inside, but thats a selfish viewpoint after what i've caused I deserve all thats coming my way.
That said my hurt has bubbled over, my issues have been spoken about and are now out in the open with my mum and dad.
I just need to fix this problem, I still need to fix my own fully, but I need this situation sorted.
Irrelevant of everything, me sorting myself out (hopefully) does not alter the fact i've got something with my cousin that I don't want to loose.
I've done him no favours and i'm meant to be the responsible one - I feel like complete and utter sh*te with whats happened, but the get real siuation is I caused it, look at the pain I must have caused his mum and dad. I've a kn*bhead.

I was genuine in thinking i'd missed the last train - but behind that nope. What I caused and created was for my benefit, so I could enjoy myself again and not hide myself in my room. Its wrong, wrong, wrong what i've done - but i'm lost now with what I can do.

I can type and type, but it won't condense the 4 hour talk I had with my dad in the car - he had to stop multiple times.
I feel if I speak about it to his parents it'll be either dismissed as an excuse, or taken with contempt because look whats happened - its still raw now; I've only just got in the house.
Similarly, I think I am all cried out, so what i'm saying will come over emotionless.
I've finally burst the bubble i've been keeping myself in - so its had the outpouring of crying.
I can compose myself, I can type this, I can say thinks freely, so in my eyes i'll be judged [the general perception by majority of the family is i'm a smartarse, always has the last word, you can't win with me per say] as being callous.

The irony is my t*t brains, has helped me - its created a situation and now i'm in the deep end and need to deal with it because I don't wanna loose him, and to deal with it, I need to deal with myself. It does just seem like a book of excuses, a thread of chatting lies to cover my own back and thats whats eating me up now.
Reality is, had nothing materialised the way it did today I'd not have said anything and just plodded along till the next time I saw him. I am well aware of my actions today, and that makes it 10x's worse. I didn't miss read the time on purpose, I always struggle with 24hr clocks for some odd reason, that just exaggerated the issue.

I know what I done was wrong.
I need his mum and dad to know that i'm sorry [sorry doesn't cut it]
I can't keep making excuses for myself and this isn't a list of excuses.
I think I may have repeated a fair few points etc in this thread, but its all just getting typed without a structure.
I hate myself for what i've done and caused, I hate myself even more for loosing someone I cared a great deal about.
My selfishness, my pig-headed outlook on the situation, trying to benefit myself, and make myself feel better, has caused everyone involved nothing but upset.
I tried to make myself happy, I ruined it for everyone and made things exponentially worse.

Like I said I can only hope its the bubble burst, whereby I take a long look at myself in the mirror [maybe we'll skip the mirror looking] and get my life in order.
When i've spoken with my dad a lot has come out - and lot more than just my perception of myself/appearance - there multiple reasons for why i'm feeling like i have done for the past 2 bit years, and i've just focused on what I can see visually. If I can hide my face, I can hide my problems - incorrect because theres stuff I couldn't see, or maybe could see but didn't acknowledge/make sense of until now. Thats not me saying i've made sense of everything, far from it, its just I know what i've said today, and I said it with clearly with emotion and thought - in my opinion that doesn't happen unless its been waiting to be said.

Its been waiting for the water of a ducks back moment (I think thats the right phrase as i've used it twice now).

But yeah - thank you for being there and letting me type this mountain of thoughts, I just need to fix what I caused... god only knows how

 

[R934]

I've confused even myself this time - which is hard considering i'm always right [humour to hide behind the realisation of what I caused]
Am I upset because i've lost my cousin; probably. I can't be that upset as I created a situation whereby I can lose everything, I created what has just happened just to my own stupidity.
Can it be stupidity when you know what you are doing, I guess not. Instead i'm a level of irresponsible, and tw*t, and any other explicates you can think up.

I know why I tried to have him stay over longer - so I can be myself.
But I know there was opportunity [not much I should add] to take him home and I didn't - the 100% genuine statement is I did misread the train times, he was going home at that moment.
Actually scrap the not much part/100% genuine, thats me trying to defend myself when there is nothing to defend. The situation was created by me, nobody else.

The go to reasoning is always 'I wasn't thinking straight' but I must have been, else why do it?
Anyways, I think thats me typed out - i'm departing myself from my mobile/social media for a while just need to try and clear my head.
I need to try and regain what I had with my cousin - and thats gonna be difficult because i've been a selfish, ignorant, irresponsible, negligent t*t.