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Sounds to me like you were enjoying the day and lost track of time. The parents will be understandably mad out of worry. Hopefully they'll calm down and be a bit more forgiving in the future.
Know you are upset and anxious mate about a friendship that you value and hopefully it can be repaired. As Chris says time can be a great healer and it will help if you as honest and upfront with your thoughts/motivations you described to everyone - and some good might come out of the latter as those around you are better able to understand you.I've ruined everything for myself.
Its the water of a ducks back moment you could say - as i've realised fully how deep routed my issues lie.
I've broken down on the way home after dropping my cousin off back at his at 2:30am.
I manipulated a situation to allow him to stay for the night.
It just so happened my dads car broke down so I used the situation to prolong him staying.
The reality is my dads car did break down, but we went the match (late I should add) and he could easily have been dropped off, instead he stayed at lours with my mum.
His mum (also my cousin) messaged asking where he was - so stated car was still broken will be getting the train - this at say 10 o'clock now.
I did genuinely go to the train, and my stupidity misread the train times. I thought the last train was 10:33pm (22:33pm) it was 23:33am.
We missed the last train and that was not through want or lack or trying as we went the station. I took and sent the train times to his mum with the crappy message its been a bullshit day and we've missed the train.
His mum saw the train times and was worried massively as it didn't add up with the picture I send - long story short the police etc have been looking for us. In the end she managed to contact someone who contacted us. and the I spoke with his mum on the phone.
The words i'm looking for don't comprehend what happen as I've tried to engineer a situation to benefit myself, at the same time I know I am massive help to my cousin (thats not my assumption i've been told).
Safe to assume its all down the pan and I've lost someone who means the absolute world to me, and has unknowing to himself been a massive support for me. The idiot inside of me is looking at this and going wtf, why? It would be making excuses to say me not seeing him for x amount of weeks has pushed me back in my shell - i've always known that every week or so there is a chance of him staying over. Alas since he was under an indefinite punishment he hasn't been allowed to see of speak with anyone (at least relative to me).
I've not had an outlet to be myself, i've not had the opportunity to be myself on the weekend, i've just locked myself up.
Reality is there is more to my perception of myself, and like I said when I broke down in the car coming home - its all spilled out.
I was tottering on saying things but always hide away from talking about it - at the same time I don't think I would have been as expressive as I have been.
This looks like a post of 'I' this 'I' that - end of the day this was my doing and I feel like i'm making excuses for myself.
Its selfish. i've lied and its manipulative what i've done yesterday/today, and lets be I care more now because I feel like i've lost my cousin.
I've known him since September of my brothers wedding, and he has become a level of responsibility that i've embraced, a level of comfort in myself, and I don't think I ever cared to admit it to anyone beforehand. There are no written or spoken words that I can express to rebuild any trust with his parents - i've been a t*t.
My only hope is from a negative situation of my causing, something good comes of it - i've spoken out to my dad and lot more openly then what I did with my mum.
I'm hurting inside, but thats a selfish viewpoint after what i've caused I deserve all thats coming my way.
That said my hurt has bubbled over, my issues have been spoken about and are now out in the open with my mum and dad.
I just need to fix this problem, I still need to fix my own fully, but I need this situation sorted.
Irrelevant of everything, me sorting myself out (hopefully) does not alter the fact i've got something with my cousin that I don't want to loose.
I've done him no favours and i'm meant to be the responsible one - I feel like complete and utter sh*te with whats happened, but the get real siuation is I caused it, look at the pain I must have caused his mum and dad. I've a kn*bhead.
I was genuine in thinking i'd missed the last train - but behind that nope. What I caused and created was for my benefit, so I could enjoy myself again and not hide myself in my room. Its wrong, wrong, wrong what i've done - but i'm lost now with what I can do.
I can type and type, but it won't condense the 4 hour talk I had with my dad in the car - he had to stop multiple times.
I feel if I speak about it to his parents it'll be either dismissed as an excuse, or taken with contempt because look whats happened - its still raw now; I've only just got in the house.
Similarly, I think I am all cried out, so what i'm saying will come over emotionless.
I've finally burst the bubble i've been keeping myself in - so its had the outpouring of crying.
I can compose myself, I can type this, I can say thinks freely, so in my eyes i'll be judged [the general perception by majority of the family is i'm a smartarse, always has the last word, you can't win with me per say] as being callous.
The irony is my t*t brains, has helped me - its created a situation and now i'm in the deep end and need to deal with it because I don't wanna loose him, and to deal with it, I need to deal with myself. It does just seem like a book of excuses, a thread of chatting lies to cover my own back and thats whats eating me up now.
Reality is, had nothing materialised the way it did today I'd not have said anything and just plodded along till the next time I saw him. I am well aware of my actions today, and that makes it 10x's worse. I didn't miss read the time on purpose, I always struggle with 24hr clocks for some odd reason, that just exaggerated the issue.
I know what I done was wrong.
I need his mum and dad to know that i'm sorry [sorry doesn't cut it]
I can't keep making excuses for myself and this isn't a list of excuses.
I think I may have repeated a fair few points etc in this thread, but its all just getting typed without a structure.
I hate myself for what i've done and caused, I hate myself even more for loosing someone I cared a great deal about.
My selfishness, my pig-headed outlook on the situation, trying to benefit myself, and make myself feel better, has caused everyone involved nothing but upset.
I tried to make myself happy, I ruined it for everyone and made things exponentially worse.
Like I said I can only hope its the bubble burst, whereby I take a long look at myself in the mirror [maybe we'll skip the mirror looking] and get my life in order.
When i've spoken with my dad a lot has come out - and lot more than just my perception of myself/appearance - there multiple reasons for why i'm feeling like i have done for the past 2 bit years, and i've just focused on what I can see visually. If I can hide my face, I can hide my problems - incorrect because theres stuff I couldn't see, or maybe could see but didn't acknowledge/make sense of until now. Thats not me saying i've made sense of everything, far from it, its just I know what i've said today, and I said it with clearly with emotion and thought - in my opinion that doesn't happen unless its been waiting to be said.
Its been waiting for the water of a ducks back moment (I think thats the right phrase as i've used it twice now).
But yeah - thank you for being there and letting me type this mountain of thoughts, I just need to fix what I caused... god only knows how
Appreciate the replies
Whats making it worse is the fact I know I manipulated the situation.
I know he could have been returned home earlier had I not lied
My parents car did break down on the motorway (2ish)
They returned 5
We got the game after 6
I could easily have dropped him off at home - instead I left him with my mum
Sated the car was fixed around 8 ish I think
---
My ballsing up of the train times doesn't alter the fact I caused it all just to spend more time with him.
Saying all that if he had stayed it may have come out in the end anyway as lies do.
Theres 'white lies' and then theres what i've just done which is take the absolute p*ss.
I don't know if I should approach the conversation with his parents - as far as they are concerned the previous bullsh*t reasoning i gave regarding the car is true.
When I'm typing this, I know how wrong and deceitful it was, but the flip-side will always be i'd have been sound had nothing panned out the way it did. So by that logic i'm only sorry because I got caught - not that i've been caught but more lose something. I think revealing I lied may tip what is already a crappy situation even further over.
But the truth needs to be said, I just don't know how - there is no opportunity with his parents as its basically adios don't see him again.
I think you're being hard on yourself. I can't see you have committed and crimes. Ok you were being a bit cheeky and have upset a few people, but hopefully they'll get over that in time. We've all been there. Apologise, learn from it and move on.Appreciate the replies
Whats making it worse is the fact I know I manipulated the situation.
I know he could have been returned home earlier had I not lied
My parents car did break down on the motorway (2ish)
They returned 5
We got the game after 6
I could easily have dropped him off at home - instead I left him with my mum
Sated the car was fixed around 8 ish I think
---
My ballsing up of the train times doesn't alter the fact I caused it all just to spend more time with him.
Saying all that if he had stayed it may have come out in the end anyway as lies do.
Theres 'white lies' and then theres what i've just done which is take the absolute p*ss.
I don't know if I should approach the conversation with his parents - as far as they are concerned the previous bullsh*t reasoning i gave regarding the car is true.
When I'm typing this, I know how wrong and deceitful it was, but the flip-side will always be i'd have been sound had nothing panned out the way it did. So by that logic i'm only sorry because I got caught - not that i've been caught but more lose something. I think revealing I lied may tip what is already a crappy situation even further over.
But the truth needs to be said, I just don't know how - there is no opportunity with his parents as its basically adios don't see him again.
Perhaps a letter mght work, that way you can organise your thoughts and explain what happened and how you feel? Always helps of course if they are accompanied by a bunch of flowers for the mum - a sincere, heartfelt letter and a nice bouquet have softened many a woman’s heart
Perhaps a letter mght work, that way you can organise your thoughts and explain what happened and how you feel? Always helps of course if they are accompanied by a bunch of flowers for the mum - a sincere, heartfelt letter and a nice bouquet have softened many a woman’s heart
If you are as eloquent with your apology, as you have been in that post mate, I`m sure they`ll see your sincerity and accept your apology.I bear that tip in mind for the future
------
I've typed this up using a combination of what is on the forum and some additional thoughts.
Its difficult to portray emotion over message, but I know a call is out of the question seemingly.
On a side note I have spoken with my auntie whose daughter is the one i've pee'd off.
I've told my brother and my mate how i've been feeling - so it defiantly has been an eye-opening moment, but the consequence of which who knows.
----
The reality is since the wedding i've been able to be myself every so often with Owen. Prior to that I was literally hiding myself away and trying to deal with everything - for what is over 2 years now. How I see myself in the mirror is what hurts and I thought face masks etc can fix that, but its what I can't see thats been eating me up.
I know I haven't really be outgoing/myself for a while, and my offering of doing stuff with Owen is something I could not have imagined, but I offered and i'm glad I did.
I've said many a time I try to help people, and i've always known of the perception of Owen so I was even more inclined to act upon my word. Little did I realise having Owen as company has helped me. Its got me out the house more, i've enjoyed his company massively and its been some of the best times i've had since.
What happened when he was put into 'lockdown' recently -unknown to me at the time- instigated me falling into a shell again. Whereas previously I had nothing, now I would have had Owen as a routine (wrong word) and I didn't realise how much I missed him - be that in person or conversation. I hadn't left the house for 4 weeks, and throughout those weeks its been eating me because I wasn't going out.
As you know I eventually told my mum, because it was getting to me. I didn't feel right and I could pinpoint something more then me.
----------
Fast forward to yesterday/today: As you know I wanted him to stay but that wasn't allowable. By change of clothes he took a football kit - but I will be honest I was hopeful of a change in circumstance.
When the car broke down it was an opportunity to manipulate the situation. I've typed that now, and there is nothing about it that I can defend. Nothing. I've [Poor language removed] up and I'm a [Poor language removed].
The fact is I've confused even myself this time - which is hard considering i'm always right [humour to hide behind the realisation of what I caused]
Am I upset because i've lost what I had with Owen; without doubt. However I can't be that upset as I created a situation whereby I can lose everything, I created what has just happened. Can it be stupidity when you know what you are doing, I guess not. Instead i'm between a level of irresponsible, and [Poor language removed], and any other explicates you can think up.
-----------
I don't know how to approach this segment of conversation
When I'm typing this, I know how wrong and deceitful it was, but the perceptional flip-side will always be i'd have been sound had nothing panned out the way it did [that may be true]. So by that logic i'm only sorry because I got caught - not that i've been caught but more lost something. I think the revelation I lied may tip what is already a crappy situation even further over.
But the truth needs to be said.
What happened yesterday was:
Car broke - 2ish
Mum, dad returned - 5 ish
I went the match with my dad (got there late)
Owen stayed at mine with my mum
We had something to eat - 9 ish
Replied to message from Tom and/or yourself stating we'll head off to the train.
Arrived at station and as much as I may not be believed (I brought it upon myself) I genuinely thought we had missed the last train. I would not have taken/sent a picture had I thought otherwise. My balling up of the train times doesn't alter the fact I caused it all just to spend more time with him.
-----------
Why would I attempt to manipulate the situation, honestly Nikki it because I feared I wouldn't see him again for weeks, and I was at breaking point with myself.
-----------
My only hope is from a negative situation of my causing, something good comes of it - i've spoken out to my dad and lot more openly then what I did with my mum.
I'm hurting inside, but thats a selfish viewpoint after what i've caused I deserve all thats coming my way.
That said my hurt has bubbled over, my issues have been spoken about and are now out in the open with my mum and dad.
I just need to fix this problem, I still need to fix my own fully, but I need this situation sorted.
Irrelevant of everything, me sorting myself out -which I've started by making calls to Lynn, Lee, and one of my mates- does not alter the fact i've got something with Owen that I don't want to loose.
I've done him no favours and i'm meant to be the responsible one - I feel like complete and utter [Poor language removed] with whats happened, but the get real situation is I caused it, look at the pain I must have caused. I'm a knobhead.
I was genuine in thinking i'd missed the last train - but behind that nope. What I caused and created was for my benefit, so I could enjoy myself again and not hide myself in my room. Its wrong, wrong, wrong what i've done - but i'm lost now with what I can do.
-----------
I can type and type, but it won't condense the 4 hour talk I had with my dad in the car on the way back - he had to stop multiple times.
I've finally burst the bubble i've been keeping myself in - so its had the outpouring of crying.
I can compose myself, I can type this, I can say things freely, so in my eyes this will be judged as being callous.
The irony is my t*t brains, has helped me - its created a situation and now i'm in the deep end and need to deal with it because I don't wanna loose him, and to deal with it, I need to deal with myself. It does just seem like a book of excuses, a thread of chatting lies to cover my own back and thats whats eating me up now.
Reality is, had nothing materialised the way it did today I'd not have said anything and just plodded along till the next time I saw him. I am well aware of my actions today, and that makes it 10x's worse. I didn't miss read the time on purpose, I always struggle with 24hr clocks for some odd reason, that just exaggerated the issue.
This looks like a post of 'I' this 'I' that - end of the day this was my doing and I feel like i'm making excuses for myself.
Its selfish. i've lied and its manipulative what i've done
There are no written or spoken words that I can express to rebuild any trust but I'd be stupid not to want to try.
I know this may not come over with any sincerity, but believe me when I say i'm sorry
Hi mate, don’t Ever get down about Everton, one day we will win something.
I have received your PM message however you appear to have exercised your option to ‘lock’ the PM and prevent a private reply.I bear that tip in mind for the future
------
I've typed this up using a combination of what is on the forum and some additional thoughts.
Its difficult to portray emotion over message, but I know a call is out of the question seemingly.
On a side note I have spoken with my auntie whose daughter is the one i've pee'd off.
I've told my brother and my mate how i've been feeling - so it defiantly has been an eye-opening moment, but the consequence of which who knows.
----
The reality is since the wedding i've been able to be myself every so often with Owen. Prior to that I was literally hiding myself away and trying to deal with everything - for what is over 2 years now. How I see myself in the mirror is what hurts and I thought face masks etc can fix that, but its what I can't see thats been eating me up.
I know I haven't really be outgoing/myself for a while, and my offering of doing stuff with Owen is something I could not have imagined, but I offered and i'm glad I did.
I've said many a time I try to help people, and i've always known of the perception of Owen so I was even more inclined to act upon my word. Little did I realise having Owen as company has helped me. Its got me out the house more, i've enjoyed his company massively and its been some of the best times i've had since.
What happened when he was put into 'lockdown' recently -unknown to me at the time- instigated me falling into a shell again. Whereas previously I had nothing, now I would have had Owen as a routine (wrong word) and I didn't realise how much I missed him - be that in person or conversation. I hadn't left the house for 4 weeks, and throughout those weeks its been eating me because I wasn't going out.
As you know I eventually told my mum, because it was getting to me. I didn't feel right and I could pinpoint something more then me.
----------
Fast forward to yesterday/today: As you know I wanted him to stay but that wasn't allowable. By change of clothes he took a football kit - but I will be honest I was hopeful of a change in circumstance.
When the car broke down it was an opportunity to manipulate the situation. I've typed that now, and there is nothing about it that I can defend. Nothing. I've [Poor language removed] up and I'm a [Poor language removed].
The fact is I've confused even myself this time - which is hard considering i'm always right [humour to hide behind the realisation of what I caused]
Am I upset because i've lost what I had with Owen; without doubt. However I can't be that upset as I created a situation whereby I can lose everything, I created what has just happened. Can it be stupidity when you know what you are doing, I guess not. Instead i'm between a level of irresponsible, and [Poor language removed], and any other explicates you can think up.
-----------
I don't know how to approach this segment of conversation
When I'm typing this, I know how wrong and deceitful it was, but the perceptional flip-side will always be i'd have been sound had nothing panned out the way it did [that may be true]. So by that logic i'm only sorry because I got caught - not that i've been caught but more lost something. I think the revelation I lied may tip what is already a crappy situation even further over.
But the truth needs to be said.
What happened yesterday was:
Car broke - 2ish
Mum, dad returned - 5 ish
I went the match with my dad (got there late)
Owen stayed at mine with my mum
We had something to eat - 9 ish
Replied to message from Tom and/or yourself stating we'll head off to the train.
Arrived at station and as much as I may not be believed (I brought it upon myself) I genuinely thought we had missed the last train. I would not have taken/sent a picture had I thought otherwise. My balling up of the train times doesn't alter the fact I caused it all just to spend more time with him.
-----------
Why would I attempt to manipulate the situation, honestly Nikki it because I feared I wouldn't see him again for weeks, and I was at breaking point with myself.
-----------
My only hope is from a negative situation of my causing, something good comes of it - i've spoken out to my dad and lot more openly then what I did with my mum.
I'm hurting inside, but thats a selfish viewpoint after what i've caused I deserve all thats coming my way.
That said my hurt has bubbled over, my issues have been spoken about and are now out in the open with my mum and dad.
I just need to fix this problem, I still need to fix my own fully, but I need this situation sorted.
Irrelevant of everything, me sorting myself out -which I've started by making calls to Lynn, Lee, and one of my mates- does not alter the fact i've got something with Owen that I don't want to loose.
I've done him no favours and i'm meant to be the responsible one - I feel like complete and utter [Poor language removed] with whats happened, but the get real situation is I caused it, look at the pain I must have caused. I'm a knobhead.
I was genuine in thinking i'd missed the last train - but behind that nope. What I caused and created was for my benefit, so I could enjoy myself again and not hide myself in my room. Its wrong, wrong, wrong what i've done - but i'm lost now with what I can do.
-----------
I can type and type, but it won't condense the 4 hour talk I had with my dad in the car on the way back - he had to stop multiple times.
I've finally burst the bubble i've been keeping myself in - so its had the outpouring of crying.
I can compose myself, I can type this, I can say things freely, so in my eyes this will be judged as being callous.
The irony is my t*t brains, has helped me - its created a situation and now i'm in the deep end and need to deal with it because I don't wanna loose him, and to deal with it, I need to deal with myself. It does just seem like a book of excuses, a thread of chatting lies to cover my own back and thats whats eating me up now.
Reality is, had nothing materialised the way it did today I'd not have said anything and just plodded along till the next time I saw him. I am well aware of my actions today, and that makes it 10x's worse. I didn't miss read the time on purpose, I always struggle with 24hr clocks for some odd reason, that just exaggerated the issue.
This looks like a post of 'I' this 'I' that - end of the day this was my doing and I feel like i'm making excuses for myself.
Its selfish. i've lied and its manipulative what i've done
There are no written or spoken words that I can express to rebuild any trust but I'd be stupid not to want to try.
I know this may not come over with any sincerity, but believe me when I say i'm sorry
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