Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[MrD]

Sorry for being off here for a while. I've just been adjusting to my new place and new life at the moment...

This is a normal reaction of somebody who is themselves unhappy. If you can put yourself in your ex's shoes for a moment, she will be suffering too. Her life has also been turned upside down. So, to convince herself that she's made the right decision she has decided to view you as a person with no redeeming qualities and to externalize (My American spell checker keeps putting a z where there should be an s) her pain onto you. But know this... She does not get to decide who you are, you do. My ex tried all this stuff with me and it worked for a long time, until I realized what she was doing. It's not a mature or healthy way to deal with problems.

Don't walk away from your little girl, she needs you. But make it clear to your ex that there is nothing to be gained from talking to you like you don't matter, especially in front of your daughter. Aside from your feelings, it's a terrible example. Keep it civil, if she starts angling for a fight don't take the bait. A good technique is this: Tell her what she did (spoke to you like crap), how it makes you feel (depressed, anxious etc) and what you expect (that she speaks to you with respect).

About the only two things you can't change in this situation are the past and what other people think of you, so don't try. The past is just a story we tell ourselves for how we react in the present. That is the only power it has over us. You know that you have suffered from depression and how that has effected your life, you also know that you are taking positive steps to change yourself for the better. Give yourself credit for that. Those people she says are laughing at you? They only have her side of the story and what does it matter? What kind of person laughs at a man going through a hard time?

You are doing great. There will be hard times but you can get through this. Look at where you are now compared to where you were a few weeks ago.

Practical stuff: Your possessions, if there's anything that is really important, get that and keep it with you or store it with your mother, maybe? The rest? It's only stuff, screw it. Sell it or give it away or let her deal with it. When we broke up, my ex was very aggressive in saying she chose all the stuff in the house to make it look nice and I didn't care. I cared enough to pay for it all, but I didn't want it. It was just stuff. I left with my clothes, my books, my records and my bikes. That was it. And I was much happier.


Anything else she's going back on, get what you originally agreed in writing. Even if its a text or whatsapp. Then hold her to it. Same goes for you, don't agree to anything that doesn't work for you by text or e-mail. You're going to have to be a little hard-nosed about this.

Keep going, you're doing great.

Thanks so much for that mate. It's all very true and very level headed. Regarding how she is treating me, I do get it. She is entitled to feel however she wants. And, let's face it. Me not working for our whole relationship as embarrassing as it is, she has paid for everything. She can feel as hateful as she likes.

Just don't like having to be reminded of everything every time I have to see her. It's not just the reminder though, it's now all about how embarrassing I am et cetc. It's all designed to heap more crap on me.

Well, the stuff issue. Since she mentioned not wanting to keep anything of mine in the house she hasn't let me go there to pick a few bits up. I can't win.

I know I've suffered with my issues due to my appearance. I know I have. I've had to live it. I also managed to avoid getting serious help. That is another reason I'm struggling with this. I feel like I've just totally messed it all up. The regret is eating me up.

You are definitely NOT pathetic. You have shown tremendous strength in recent weeks. I really admire the way you have picked yourself up and moved forward. You are stronger than you know.

This is you ex lashing out and justifying her actions to herself. As for her telling tales to people, anyone with any life experience knows there's 2 sides to every story.

Thanks mate. I have reminded her that she has done and said awful things to me. She doesn't care though. It's fine to belittle me, she just shrugs when it's anything to do with her actions.

You know what mate, I`d bet that most people over the age of forty knows someone who`s been treated like this or is still being treated like this by an ex partner.

It`s all about her own insecurities and her still being able to control you by constantly putting you down.

The fact that you`re getting your head together and moving on, means less control over you.

She`s the problem not you mate and never ever forget that.

I'm the problem for the split. I get it, but this animosity since the split is all her. It's grim. I can't complain about what I've done wrong but I can stand up for myself in the face of continued grief.

You need to keep a note of everything shes said to you get a journal and just jot it down and keep doing this, don't make things up just be honest in it, if she starts messing with visiting your daughter make notes of this too, under no circumstances tell her you don't want anything to do with either of them thats the best way of never seeing your daughter again and easy ammunition for your ex to turn your daughter against you altogether. Theres a chance this could end up in courts and you'll need to efficiently remember all the things shes done or said, My parents went through this my mother kept records and my father didn't and he was made an absolute show of in court, even though they were equally horrible to each other during the split.. I was old enough at the time to see it was 50-50 but my brother and sister weren't and now rarely talk to my father. My dad slept in his car for a few weeks before he got settled down that's almost 20 years ago now and they've seen each other 3 times since at my wedding and the baptisms of my 2 lads they greeted each other and then just got on with it almost like strangers, they both now own their own houses and life continues. you are not the first person to have this happen and you wont be the last, the best advice i can give you is to act like a responsible adult don't try and put her down with comments and remarks they'll come back to bite you and if she's commenting on you keep a record, and keep in contact with your daughter.

Thanks mate. Hopefully it will be civil and she won't start messing me around. If I think it's going to go nasty I'll fight with everything I have to see my daughter. I'll also try not to let it get to that stage....even if I have to bite my lip and not say a word.

@MrD Again your situation mirrored mine. These things such as the Amazon Prime thing are the just part of the separation, some may seem petty and sometimes even seem wicked. Just try and prepare yourself for what may seem like pettiness for the foreseeable future, even stuff like the amount of time you have your daughter for will be used against you. Seems like the babys mum is trying to undermine you already, don't let her and if you can get some formal (CSA) etc, in to make sure you are not hung out to dry, she shouldn't be against it since its the babies interests.

It will be very very hard, and emotional but you'll come out the other side wiser and a little less easy to upset. Don't get me wrong, you'll still feel it -- but you'll see the mindgames a mile off

Thanks mate. Good advice as always.

An upset woman is a nasty woman.. period

In my experience anyway,ive never been as “deep” in to relationship as that but i dont judge in the immediate aftermatch..

There like a wounded animal, and best to give it time and should get better

They are by far the stronger sex. Brutal at times.

Im sorry to here this MrD. As some people mentioned, maybe keep a note of all the stuff she says. I personally wouldn't harp on it to much though but you would be able to bring that to the counselor if you are still seeing him/her. Like all of us mentioned many times, lets keep that positive vibe up and going. Moving in to the house is a huge deal and maybe chit chat with you mom about storing some of your stuff there. You are doing better than it may seem. Baby steps will take you a longggg way! The quality time with you little girl, getting your own flat... HUGE news. I also absolutely loved seeing you talk in some of the other threads going around. If you ever feel alone, just spark up a conversation about the games, our players, or any news going around. Continue to see the therapist if possible and continue the fantastic work. If you look back at your own chat from a few weeks ago, you are much improved in just the sound of your statements. It brings all of us so much joy to see your progress.

Thanks a million mate. Means a lot to me.

@MrD. Firstly, dont let the ex spoil your progress. You've come on leaps and bounds in the few weeks you have been posting. Secondly, when u are settled, if u still feel she will block access to your daughter etc then go see a family solicitor. A lot will do an initial appointment for free. Lastly, has anyone mentioned the power of exercise to u? I swear that without it I'd still be on meds. I dont mean u have to go all macho and do mma or massive weights, try yoga or pilates to start, maybe pick yourself up a kettle bell and check youtube for 20 min workouts. It may not be for you but if it is then it's a massive mind focus and such a buzz afterwards. Good luck mate.

Exercise is mentioned a lot yeah, I've not tried it yet but I will. I'm a huge procrastinator so my good intentions kind of take a huge amount of time to get going!

I've mentioned exercise on here a few times, better than any medication even a 10 minute run along the road/paths every evening will have you feeling in great form after.

Thanks mate.

You are not pathetic. Don't walk away from your daughter. There have been wise words spoken about why she is acting like she is and I agree with all of them. However I would like to say - what a cow! Nobody should treat another human being like that.Emotional abuse is the worst, it hurts and stays and affects your whole psyche. I'm outraged on your behalf!

Stay strong, you've got a new home and a lovely daughter x

Thanks mate. It's my outrage towards her reaction to me that seems to keep her in a mood, I just can't shut up and take it, not should I.

Mr D
I've gone through exactly the same experience for the past 14 months. Im getting a divorce mate.
Whatever she can throw at you she will. She will lie to hurt you and make out she was perfect etc etc...
I'm still hanging in there mate but the wedge she has put between me and my daughter is unbelievable. Me and my daughter just argue now. The absolute lies are horrible.
With my stuff mate I've piled it under my bed and in a cupboard but I've also said fcuk keeping everything. So I've got rid of lots. I've got clothes, shoes books and afew every day essentials and picked up bits for my little kitchen a long the way.
My ex wife basically wants to push me over the edge mate but even though I'm struggling I'm still here. But if I kill myself today or tomorrow she would celebrate. She is pushing me and pushing me.
Trust absolutely nothing she says mate including promises and any arrangements you make.
I regret so many arguments with my daughter and the damage I've caused to our relationship by not biting my lip and letting my wife wind me up is massive . Don't let your ex do the same.
Good luck with everything mate. It will be hard but please don't let that woman break you and enjoy your time with your kid.

Thanks mate. It does indeed sound similar. I will keep quiet when I think it's best to, but I'm a very defensive person especially in the face of such bile.

Has anyone heard from @MrD ?

@MrD You know its my after the weekend check up! Hows it going? American Football started here in the states so had Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, now Monday for some football. Pretty eventful weekend with all the little get togethers. Hopefully your week is going as good as we last talked. Let us all know and what are your predictions for the Bournemouth game?

Thanks mate. Always good to hear from you. Thanks for thinking about me. It helps me a lot knowing people on here actually care.

----------------------

So, I thought I'd try and keep you all up to date with a few things.

I've been in my new place (The shared house) for a week now. My awkward social outlook has been taking a beating as you can't really avoid people and life when in a shared house. But I do think it's a good thing. It's forcing me to stay amongst the living.

Had my little girl for a few days over the week and it's been lovely but hard. She is full of energy and I still struggle with a lack of motivation but again, I have been pushing through it to give her as nice a time as I can.

The Ex has been just as argumentative as she has been lately. Putting a huge wedge between us even though I'm trying to keep it friendly. It's hard for me here as I have no friends or family and I still miss her loads, she is my best friend but she seems determined to ruin all that.

I got a letter a few weeks ago from the counseling place. All it said was they had no places due to a back log, if I need help call the Samaritans

I went out the other day, went around a few of the charity furniture shops to look for a little bedside table. On the way there a warning on the car dash, Engine Overheated - Pull over and stop engine.

The temperature gauge was maxed out at 130 degrees. I thought thats it. The car is dead and it's going to cost me money I don't have. And I'd be buggered without a car.

I told the Ex about it and she just ridiculed the situation. Told her I can't take the baby to nursery a few days a week as we agreed. She replied with "Have you not heard of buses?"

Buses in North Wales are terrible. Sometimes 1 every hour or two. Plus it's getting colder, I don't want to bus it, it's not like Liverpool where there are buses every minute.

Anyway, managed to drive the car home and the next day I tried it. The temp gauge was still at 130 degrees even though the car was obviously cold. Googled it and think it could be the Coolant temp sensor.

It's an easy fix so I ordered a new sensor, gonna replace it tomorrow and pray that it fixes the car. I just know it won't and it'll have to go to the garage and I'll be stung for loads of money, the small amount of money I have left for food!

So things slowly are going wrong, don't know when I'm going to get a break. I need the car, I need to eat and pay the rent. I'll have to get it fixed and just live on bread for a while. hehe

Something else I'm not enjoying is the thought of her seeing someone else or even just messaging fellas. I know I can't stop her but I don't want her to be with anyone else. I'm still in love with her.

Anyway, thanks a million for the kind words. It really does mean a lot to me.

 

[Grinch]

Sorry for being off here for a while. I've just been adjusting to my new place and new life at the moment...Thanks so much for that mate. It's all very true and very level headed. Regarding how she is treating me, I do get it. She is entitled to feel however she wants. And, let's face it. Me not working for our whole relationship as embarrassing as it is, she has paid for everything. She can feel as hateful as she likes.

Just don't like having to be reminded of everything every time I have to see her. It's not just the reminder though, it's now all about how embarrassing I am et cetc. It's all designed to heap more crap on me.

Well, the stuff issue. Since she mentioned not wanting to keep anything of mine in the house she hasn't let me go there to pick a few bits up. I can't win.

I know I've suffered with my issues due to my appearance. I know I have. I've had to live it. I also managed to avoid getting serious help. That is another reason I'm struggling with this. I feel like I've just totally messed it all up. The regret is eating me up.

Thanks mate. I have reminded her that she has done and said awful things to me. She doesn't care though. It's fine to belittle me, she just shrugs when it's anything to do with her actions.

I'm the problem for the split. I get it, but this animosity since the split is all her. It's grim. I can't complain about what I've done wrong but I can stand up for myself in the face of continued grief.

Thanks mate. Hopefully it will be civil and she won't start messing me around. If I think it's going to go nasty I'll fight with everything I have to see my daughter. I'll also try not to let it get to that stage....even if I have to bite my lip and not say a word.

Thanks mate. Good advice as always.

They are by far the stronger sex. Brutal at times.

Thanks a million mate. Means a lot to me.

Exercise is mentioned a lot yeah, I've not tried it yet but I will. I'm a huge procrastinator so my good intentions kind of take a huge amount of time to get going!

Thanks mate.

Thanks mate. It's my outrage towards her reaction to me that seems to keep her in a mood, I just can't shut up and take it, not should I.

Thanks mate. It does indeed sound similar. I will keep quiet when I think it's best to, but I'm a very defensive person especially in the face of such bile.



Thanks mate. Always good to hear from you. Thanks for thinking about me. It helps me a lot knowing people on here actually care.

----------------------

So, I thought I'd try and keep you all up to date with a few things.

I've been in my new place (The shared house) for a week now. My awkward social outlook has been taking a beating as you can't really avoid people and life when in a shared house. But I do think it's a good thing. It's forcing me to stay amongst the living.

Had my little girl for a few days over the week and it's been lovely but hard. She is full of energy and I still struggle with a lack of motivation but again, I have been pushing through it to give her as nice a time as I can.

The Ex has been just as argumentative as she has been lately. Putting a huge wedge between us even though I'm trying to keep it friendly. It's hard for me here as I have no friends or family and I still miss her loads, she is my best friend but she seems determined to ruin all that.

I got a letter a few weeks ago from the counseling place. All it said was they had no places due to a back log, if I need help call the Samaritans

I went out the other day, went around a few of the charity furniture shops to look for a little bedside table. On the way there a warning on the car dash, Engine Overheated - Pull over and stop engine.

The temperature gauge was maxed out at 130 degrees. I thought thats it. The car is dead and it's going to cost me money I don't have. And I'd be buggered without a car.

I told the Ex about it and she just ridiculed the situation. Told her I can't take the baby to nursery a few days a week as we agreed. She replied with "Have you not heard of buses?"

Buses in North Wales are terrible. Sometimes 1 every hour or two. Plus it's getting colder, I don't want to bus it, it's not like Liverpool where there are buses every minute.

Anyway, managed to drive the car home and the next day I tried it. The temp gauge was still at 130 degrees even though the car was obviously cold. Googled it and think it could be the Coolant temp sensor.

It's an easy fix so I ordered a new sensor, gonna replace it tomorrow and pray that it fixes the car. I just know it won't and it'll have to go to the garage and I'll be stung for loads of money, the small amount of money I have left for food!

So things slowly are going wrong, don't know when I'm going to get a break. I need the car, I need to eat and pay the rent. I'll have to get it fixed and just live on bread for a while. hehe

Something else I'm not enjoying is the thought of her seeing someone else or even just messaging fellas. I know I can't stop her but I don't want her to be with anyone else. I'm still in love with her.

Anyway, thanks a million for the kind words. It really does mean a lot to me.

Just a little knock on the journey but the outlook loos great. Don't forget about that website people suggested of people giving furniture away! Could help save a bit of money. Always refreshing to hear from you and im sure @COYBL25 can agree as it seems we are always looking for you. Genuine guy you. Im not to sure if a place is similar to what we have in the states but Autozone (A parts store) has a sensor they could hook up to your car and "diagnose" the problem if your sensor doesn't fix it. Could save some money instead of taking it to the shop. Well anyway, I am glad to hear from you. I will share with the wife your update as we continue to keep you in mind and pray for good things to come your way. You are the man MrD! Thank you as always for sharing

 

[Disgruntledgoat]

@MrD

Downer about the car, but you're not panicking and you have thought clearly enough to plan a solution for yourself. Fingers crossed you can sort it.

Your attitude to the past is great. You arent letting it dominate the way you think, just trying to learn from it.

Dont let your ex tell you you're an embarrassment. You're not and it's just somebody dealing with their problems in a bad way. I had one of those weird "universe" moments yesterday where I read 2 quotes from completely different sources that spoke very directly to my own problem of believing the worst about myself one was from Nick Cave and the other, that I thought you may enjoy, was from a book about football

"I don’t believe in luck. I believe in hard work. And not listening to folk who are negative folk. The ones that will tell you you will never play again. And sometimes those folk are you. Your own voice. And so I believe you should never listen to those voices. Those voices that are always telling you what you can’t do. Pessimistic voices. I believe you have to prove those voices wrong. And get back on your feet. Get training again, working again. Working hard to prove them wrong."

 

[Bungle]

@Zezti How did you get on, any response about the job?

 

[Tim's tourettes]

Anyone else find they have huge anger issues? I used to be very placid, went through big bouts of anxiety/depression, that's kind of left me but the huge anger remains. I blow up big time especially with my son and it frightens me.

 

[Grinch]

Anyone else find they have huge anger issues? I used to be very placid, went through big bouts of anxiety/depression, that's kind of left me but the huge anger remains. I blow up big time especially with my son and it frightens me.

I haven't personally experienced anger myself but I have seen it. Most of the time, the anger is just built up over time by anxiety, stress, nagging, or whatever typically gets on your nerves and an outburst happens. Normal but if and when it gets overly aggressive/dangerous for others, then its a true problem. I always tell my guys I look after on the ward to "Take a deep breathe, and ask yourself if this is worth getting angry over. Just step away from the situation and re-evaluate your actions." It just tends to be a knee jerk reaction but completely normal in most cases.

 

[COYBL25]

Anyone else find they have huge anger issues? I used to be very placid, went through big bouts of anxiety/depression, that's kind of left me but the huge anger remains. I blow up big time especially with my son and it frightens me.

Anger / rage goes hand in hand with anxiety / depression mate, as does irrational thoughts, which can then lead to outbursts.

When I was bad with anxiety, I`d fly off the handle with my missus over nothing at all.

I used to reserve it for my missus, but the kids used to witness it too and it scared the life out of them.

I knew I was doing it, but couldn`t stop myself, it was like someone else had control of my brain.

My second bout of CBT taught me how to control it and also my running helps me keep the lid on it too.

 

[Tim's tourettes]

Anger / rage goes hand in hand with anxiety / depression mate, as does irrational thoughts, which can then lead to outbursts.

When I was bad with anxiety, I`d fly off the handle with my missus over nothing at all.

I used to reserve it for my missus, but the kids used to witness it too and it scared the life out of them.

I knew I was doing it, but couldn`t stop myself, it was like someone else had control of my brain.

My second bout of CBT taught me how to control it and also my running helps me keep the lid on it too.

Yep, I've noticed a link when i dont train (weights or martial arts) i feel more on edge and angry. Am trying a breathing technique before I react but it's not always so easy to stop!!

 

[COYBL25]

Yep, I've noticed a link when i dont train (weights or martial arts) i feel more on edge and angry. Am trying a breathing technique before I react but it's not always so easy to stop!!

I`m similar in that if I don`t run for more than a couple of days, I can feel it starting to build up in me again mate.

My missus understands now and accepts that if we go away anywhere for anything more than a couple of days, I`ll need to go running to get rid of it.

Hangovers also turbo charge it too and as a result I now drink in absolute moderation ( been discussed many times on here in the past )

I think the key to managing it, is understanding what brings it on and what you need to do to keep things on an even keel.

Explain to your missus that you`re weights and martial arts is your way of managing it and that training needs to be part of your weekly routine.

There`s a good reason why lots of GP`s are now prescribing exercise classes to combat depression / anxiey - it works !

 

[LydiateLee]

I've just started my Silver Cloud online course to manage my anxiety.

Hoping that the CBT modules will help me stop constantly worrying and stay in the present.

I don't trust good things happening, I convince myself everything is going to turn to crap and its ruining what should be a great life.

 

[Tipp blue]

Anyone else find they have huge anger issues? I used to be very placid, went through big bouts of anxiety/depression, that's kind of left me but the huge anger remains. I blow up big time especially with my son and it frightens me.

I have an explosive temper, but it takes a lot before I loose it, everything builds up over time, then something will happen and to set me off, it could even be something small and I'm off like a tornado I must look a right idiot somebody spills milk on the floor and months of built up anger come out.. my advice get a pair of boxing gloves and a punching bag and punch the hell out of it for 5 minutes every morning and the same every evening, it's a great anger release and a good workout

 

[Zezti]

@Zezti How did you get on, any response about the job?

It was just the recruitment agency, not the actual organisation. I called today, they were engaged. Called again 30 min later, voicemail. Tried once more around 4, voicemail. Finally they called back and we talked about my degree and what I'd be interested in and mentioned the role I thought I already applied for.

It was pretty constructive and they said they'd email me with some listings I might be interested in. Waiting for that email now but feel hopeful this will produce something.

 

[BluePaul86]

Really struggled in work today. Couple of times I had to head to the toilet just to sit down and take a break from the office chat.
One of the girls in work is making me feel really awkward at the moment just by the conversations she'll have with other team members. We used to get on ok-ish but I just feel like she treats me differently to the others now. My low mood is also not helped by the fact that my job search is completely fruitless and haven't received any interest at all. I can't survive in this job much longer.
Outside of work I've lost my social life as my friends have either coupled up or moved away for work and I haven't been out the house (other than work) since beginning of July.
No one knows about my low mood as I'm sure the majority would rally round me but I don't want to burden people with my problems which is why I have to post on here just cos it feels like I'm getting stuff of my chest even though I'm not directly talking to anyone.

 

[COYBL25]

Really struggled in work today. Couple of times I had to head to the toilet just to sit down and take a break from the office chat.
One of the girls in work is making me feel really awkward at the moment just by the conversations she'll have with other team members. We used to get on ok-ish but I just feel like she treats me differently to the others now. My low mood is also not helped by the fact that my job search is completely fruitless and haven't received any interest at all. I can't survive in this job much longer.
Outside of work I've lost my social life as my friends have either coupled up or moved away for work and I haven't been out the house (other than work) since beginning of July.
No one knows about my low mood as I'm sure the majority would rally round me but I don't want to burden people with my problems which is why I have to post on here just cos it feels like I'm getting stuff of my chest even though I'm not directly talking to anyone.

@EFCPaul
@efcforever

This is almost a mirror of your situation(s)

 

[MrD]

Anger / rage goes hand in hand with anxiety / depression mate, as does irrational thoughts, which can then lead to outbursts.

When I was bad with anxiety, I`d fly off the handle with my missus over nothing at all.

I used to reserve it for my missus, but the kids used to witness it too and it scared the life out of them.

I knew I was doing it, but couldn`t stop myself, it was like someone else had control of my brain.

My second bout of CBT taught me how to control it and also my running helps me keep the lid on it too.

I've just started my Silver Cloud online course to manage my anxiety.

Hoping that the CBT modules will help me stop constantly worrying and stay in the present.

I don't trust good things happening, I convince myself everything is going to turn to crap and its ruining what should be a great life.

I've been there with the anger. Sometimes weeks or months of stress and anxiety explodes in a rage. I've made a proper idiot of myself over the years taking it out on people.

The last explosive bout I had it made me realise something needs to change. I focused on stimulants like caffeine. I immediately went onto decaf and ever since I've not been as angry (apart from the recent split with the missus but that was warranted)

Cutting out living on nothing but pasties, sausage rolls and cakes helped too. I lost weight and became happier about my size. Lost 3 stone this year and I've been almost placid.

Obviously, everyone is different but the caffeine was killing me. I was on like 8 or 9 mega strong coffees a day for about 5 years.

My heart was racing all the time too. I was able to keep things in for ages. Then BOOM, something small or daft would trigger me. Like I said, it was rather embarrassing.