Divorce help

Jebus_lives said:
As others have said - document as much as possible in as detailed a way as you can.

If you haven't spoken to a lawyer you should do it as soon as you can.

I know it'll be tough, but try to keep emotion out of it as much as you can (a lawyer will help with that). If she's the one who has initiated the divorce, it's likely you are at very different emotional positions and if she's been thinking about this for a while, it'll be easier for her to process emotional decisions.

Fundamentally though a divorce should start at a 50/50 split of everything. That's the position you want to maintain (unless it's not practical).
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That’s the mad thing now though. Cos of all way she’s been treating me since she announced it all, it was tough and I’m sure it’ll be tough again and get worse, but now I just want to move on and sort it out. Whereas she keeps coming back to argue about everything from the entire marriage. Makes it harder for everyone then, especially in the house, kick offs galore. And when I don’t give her a reaction she gets really nasty and childish about things, I’ve made an appointment with a solicitor after the advice in this thread, so hopefully get some decent legal help.
 

All I can say is best of luck mate, if you are trying to do the right thing and being amicable often that’s all you can do. It might not get what you want out of the situation but it’ll help you sleep at night in the long run.

I had a nasty break up in my mid twenties, we weren’t married but had a young daughter. Sadly my ex and particularly her mum didn’t spare a thought in screwing me over. My daughter turns 20 in November and we are still dealing with the fallout from their actions now. Needless to say they used our daughter as a stick to beat me with and it lead to years of pain and difficulty but I just about managed to cling onto our relationship and we are working hard to mend things now.

People can be truly horrible to one another and I just didn’t see it coming. I don’t think as a Father I would have been any better off fighting it in the courts they would have had their way regardless.

My only real advice is get good positive people around you, family and friends and look after yourself. Truly wish you all the best mate, whatever happens time is a great healer and there will come a point when this will be behind you.
 
Little Ralphy said:
She did, nothing official as yet but it’s happening. Take your pick of reasons, it’s different every time she speaks. I’ve not cheated or done anything like that, a few things in her life haven’t worked out as she’d hoped and it’s apparently my fault, despite me having no involvement.

Is that true about entitlement only valid for the married years? 12 years married, but she’s asking about pensions from before we even knew each other! She’s working now but wasn’t for most of the 12 years. Kids are early teens, so a while before they finish full time education.
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Think it’s true mate as long as it’s not a massive amount. Your solicitor will be able to explain a lot more but if you google pension before marriage you’ll get a lot of information.
 

Little Ralphy said:
She did, nothing official as yet but it’s happening. Take your pick of reasons, it’s different every time she speaks. I’ve not cheated or done anything like that, a few things in her life haven’t worked out as she’d hoped and it’s apparently my fault, despite me having no involvement.

Is that true about entitlement only valid for the married years? 12 years married, but she’s asking about pensions from before we even knew each other! She’s working now but wasn’t for most of the 12 years. Kids are early teens, so a while before they finish full time education.
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Depends where you are mate. In Scotland it is only the years during the marriage.

Pension sharing on divorce

Techzone looks at pension sharing on divorce, including the valuing of pension rights, options for the ex-spouse and implementation of the sharing order.
techzone.abrdn.com techzone.abrdn.com

I know a few folks who have pension sharing orders and they can cost thousands. Any benefits will not be payable until State pension age either. Unless we're talking huge pensions, they really are a waste of time and money. If she has a pension that will also be taken into account.
 
Damo_1878 said:
@Little Ralphy another small bit of advice. Try to ensure you never lose your temper and always be totally and utterly reasonable in everything you do. It's tough and there can be times that you can feel provoked because it's a stressful time
But look at the big picture. If it's not going to work with this wife of yours then ultimately what you want is your/your kids interests maintained and an amical separation/divorce where you both get what you want and need, within reason

Take the high ground and keep that always in your mind

Get some professional advice and of course do talk to friends (for moral support) but try to ensure they don't become involved. Them getting involved isn't necessary, and remember it's about trying for the amicable separation/divorce
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Excellent advice 👍
It's going to be difficult at times to keep you're cool but seek the support of friends and family to get you through it .
Just remember that it won't go on forever , it just seems that way at the time 😬
 
Buckers said:
All I can say is best of luck mate, if you are trying to do the right thing and being amicable often that’s all you can do. It might not get what you want out of the situation but it’ll help you sleep at night in the long run.

I had a nasty break up in my mid twenties, we weren’t married but had a young daughter. Sadly my ex and particularly her mum didn’t spare a thought in screwing me over. My daughter turns 20 in November and we are still dealing with the fallout from their actions now. Needless to say they used our daughter as a stick to beat me with and it lead to years of pain and difficulty but I just about managed to cling onto our relationship and we are working hard to mend things now.

People can be truly horrible to one another and I just didn’t see it coming. I don’t think as a Father I would have been any better off fighting it in the courts they would have had their way regardless.

My only real advice is get good positive people around you, family and friends and look after yourself. Truly wish you all the best mate, whatever happens time is a great healer and there will come a point when this will be behind you.
Click to expand...
I had a very similar experience during my divorce. Ex wife and in laws using my daughter as a weapon.
She is 19 now but our relationship is virtually non existent.
I wasn't perfect but I did try with her for 5 years but I've now accepted things as they are and I would be very reluctant to build bridges with her again as I've been knocked down so many times.
 
dave n said:
I had a very similar experience during my divorce. Ex wife and in laws using my daughter as a weapon.
She is 19 now but our relationship is virtually non existent.
I wasn't perfect but I did try with her for 5 years but I've now accepted things as they are and I would be very reluctant to build bridges with her again as I've been knocked down so many times.
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Mate I know exactly how you feel, what you described sounds exactly like what happened to me. I tried everything til she was six then lost contact for about 4/5 years then we tried to restart things but to be honest the damage was done. I saw her off and on for a year or two then. Nothing til she was 16. Since then it’s been maybe once/twice a year. We are in contact still but so much damage was done that our relationship is pretty superficial. I just desperately wanted it to work so kept going back only for them to ditch me, seemed to keep happening over and over, left me an emotional wreck. It’s what holds me back now, I just can’t commit properly anymore after being hurt so much.

There’s been times when we lost contact all I felt was relief and then overwhelming guilt for feeling relieved. All because it was me that decided to break up with her mum. A woman scorned……..

I hope you at least manage to find peace with it all if nothing else. Sorry you’ve had to go through that mate.
 

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