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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Chozz
Player Valuation: £5m
What do you call an epileptic in a bush?
Russell
Why did the cross eyed teacher lose her job?
She couldn't control her pupils...
How do you drown a hipster?
Put them in the mainstream
Did you hear about the vampire bike going about biting people?
It was a vicious cycle
Russell
Why did the cross eyed teacher lose her job?
She couldn't control her pupils...
How do you drown a hipster?
Put them in the mainstream
Did you hear about the vampire bike going about biting people?
It was a vicious cycle
Frang
Player Valuation: £70m
that was hard work that..
What do you call a hippies wife Mississippi
Bought the bird a get well card she's not sick I just wish she would get better
Bought the bird a get well card she's not sick I just wish she would get better
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A voice from the back muttered, ‘Cause your feet ain't empty.'
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A voice from the back muttered, ‘Cause your feet ain't empty.'
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Two young kids go into the chemist and the man behind the counter asks what he can help them with.
The older one says, "can we have a packet of tampons please?"
The chemist somewhat taken aback says, "are you sure?"
The lad says, "yeah, a packet of tampons."
The chemist says, "can I ask how old you both are?"
The lad says, "I'm eight and he's four,' pointing to the younger one.
The chemist says, "and why do you want tampons?"
And the older one replies...
"Cos we saw on the telly that if you wear them, you can swim and ride a bike and," pointing again to the younger lad, "he can't do either."
The older one says, "can we have a packet of tampons please?"
The chemist somewhat taken aback says, "are you sure?"
The lad says, "yeah, a packet of tampons."
The chemist says, "can I ask how old you both are?"
The lad says, "I'm eight and he's four,' pointing to the younger one.
The chemist says, "and why do you want tampons?"
And the older one replies...
"Cos we saw on the telly that if you wear them, you can swim and ride a bike and," pointing again to the younger lad, "he can't do either."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto:
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the **** do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, 'Ryanair'.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto:
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the **** do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, 'Ryanair'.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who’?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well, she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey'.....
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So fellas, here I am!
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who’?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well, she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey'.....
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So fellas, here I am!
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I said to the doctor, "the older I get, the more I spread gossip".
He said, "that's rumourtism".
He said, "that's rumourtism".
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants ?
Because Chernobyl fall out.
Because Chernobyl fall out.
What do you call an alien with 3 balls ?
ET .... the Extra Testicle
ET .... the Extra Testicle
thebluenosebolt
prefer being behind the times
Just had this woman stood at me doorstep for an hour telling how soft and tasty her brown rolls are...
Bloody hovis witnesses !!!
Bloody hovis witnesses !!!