Jokes Thread

[summerisle]

 

[ushuduup]

So.... this bloke gets to a motorway service station, and goes to the restaurant...
He gets there and see a sign above the counter...
Beans on toast: £1.20
Baked potato: £2.00
Cheese toatstie: £3.00
Burger and chips: £4.50
Hand job: £20.00.....

He goes to the counter and there is a stunning blonde sat behind.
Long, blonde hair, pouting lips, a cleavage you could drown in, a little bit of lace from her bra showing though.... long, smooth, tanned legs, mini skirt, the lot.....

He says:
"Excuse me, are you the lady selling hand jobs for £20.00?"

She purrs in response:
"But of course"

He says:
"OK...

Wash your hands - I want beans on toast!"

 

[Yarrgh]

I was expecting a Europa league gag to be honest.

 

[deipnosophist]

Fella in a diner orders a bowl of chili. "I'm sorry sir, the last bowl has been served to the gentleman at the next table"
He turns and sees the bloke lighting up a ciggie but the chili bowl's still full.
"Excuse me, are you finished your meal?...might I purchase that chili from you?"
"Be my guest" the bloke replies..."yours for free"

So, the fella digs in, wolfing down the chili until his spoon hits something at the bottom of the bowl; to his horror he sees it's a dead mouse. He's about to puke when the bloke at the other table sees his look of abject disgust and says...

... "yes, that's as far as I got too"...

 

[Baines' left foot]

Av got one for ya

Wait for it.....

Wait for iiiitttt.....









Everton Football Club

lol lol lol lol lol

 

[deipnosophist]

Av got one for ya

Wait for it.....

Wait for iiiitttt.....









Everton Football Club

lollollollollol

...that's very, veeerrry black humour

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

My mum always used to say that, "forty is the new thirty".
Lovely woman, banned from driving.

Apparently our local police station has had it's toilet stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.

 

[Joey66]

My mum always used to say that, "forty is the new thirty".
Lovely woman, banned from driving.

Apparently our local police station has had it's toilet stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.

Did you those out of the Beano by any chancelol

 

[summerisle]

Did you those out of the Beano by any chancelol

Here's a bit of advice :
Advi

 

[Joey66]

Here's a bit of advice :
Advi

Ok the Dandy then

 

[BigBlueConk]

So.... this bloke gets to a motorway service station, and goes to the restaurant...
He gets there and see a sign above the counter...
Beans on toast: £1.20
Baked potato: £2.00
Cheese toatstie: £3.00
Burger and chips: £4.50
Hand job: £20.00.....

He goes to the counter and there is a stunning blonde sat behind.
Long, blonde hair, pouting lips, a cleavage you could drown in, a little bit of lace from her bra showing though.... long, smooth, tanned legs, mini skirt, the lot.....

He says:
"Excuse me, are you the lady selling hand jobs for £20.00?"

She purrs in response:
"But of course"

He says:
"OK...

Wash your hands - I want beans on toast!"

I first heard this joke about 30 years and the prices haven't half gone up!

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[tsubaki]

Whats the difference between hard and light?
You can go to sleep with a light on

(with apologies to this weeks Popbitch)