Jokes Thread

[larbert toffee]

I'll start off with a joke about chimney's, I've got a stack of them..........

That one's on the house.............

 

[Kurt.]

What’s pink, 7 inches long and makes my mrs moan a lot ?



Her tongue

 

[AndyC]

I'm not sure about investing in a clothes peg company... apparently, their reputation is on the line.

 

[deipnosophist]

I'm not sure about investing in a clothes peg company... apparently, their reputation is on the line.

the company hung its investors out to dry...

 

[AndyC]

Barb was lying in bed one night.
Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily, Larry reached across, held her hand for a few seconds and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "then you used to kiss me..."
Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and turned back to try and get to sleep.

A few moments later again, she said, "Then you used to bite my neck..."
Angrily, Larry threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" said Barb.


"To get my sodding teeth !!!!"

​

 

[The binman chronicles]

the company hung its investors out to dry...

I've also heard sometimes they even air dirty laundry in public.

 

[deipnosophist]

I've also heard sometimes they even air dirty laundry in public.

@ProZ likes this

 

[AndyC]

I just called an old friend who's a retired scientist and asked what he was doing

He replied he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.“

I was impressed.



Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing the dishes with hot water... under his wife’s supervision.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Celtic in Europe lol

 

[summerisle]

 

[larbert toffee]

My work has just sacked me for being dyslexic and all they gave me when I left was 45p.

 

[canuckblue]

Fellow with a bad stutter can't find a job. In desperation, he sees an ad for a bible company looking for an area sales rep. He goes in and applies, but the manager immediately refuses, citing his impediment.
"Y-y-y-you c-c-can't r-r-r-refuse me on that b-b-b-basis," the man said. "It's n-n-not legand and unCh-Ch-Christian."
"All right," the manager says. He decides to give him the toughest route in the business, believing he'd fail and he'd be able to fire him.
Lo and behold, in the first week the new guy improves the area's totals. In the second week, he triples it. By the end of the month, he's outselling all the other reps combined. So the manager calls in in to congratulate him
"I'll admit, I never thought you had a chance. Tell me, what's your secret?"
"S-s-s-simple," the man replies. "I j-j-j-just ask p-p-p-people, 'D-d-d-do y-y-y-y-you w-w-w-want to b-b-b-buy a B-b-b-bible or d-d-d-do y-y-y-y-you w-w-w-w-want me to r-r-r-r-read it to you?"

 

[Blue Piper]

I entered an Elvis competition by text yesterday and I won. The prize was either a visit to see an Elvis impersonator or 20 quid.
To choose they told me that I had to;

Press 1 for the money
2 for the show

 

[larbert toffee]

I entered an Elvis competition by text yesterday and I won. The prize was either a visit to see an Elvis impersonator or 20 quid.
To choose they told me that I had to;

Press 1 for the money
2 for the show

Was there any more choices by any chance?

 

[ArtetaMoney]

I’m sure my mate is having an affair with my wife.

He’s been proper miserable lately.