Jokes Thread

[Methuselah]

Someone asked me if I'd ever used Wikipedia. I said 'I've no need for it, the wife knows everything'.

Paid a fortune to send the wife and her mother to Paris for a week. Just shows how much I hate the French.

 

[AndyC]

So I was in this public toilet and had just sat down when I heard a voice from the next cubicle...

"Hi, how are you?"
A little embarrassed I replied, "I'm doing fine."

The voice said, "So, what are you up to?"
I replied, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here."

The voice said, "Can I come round?"
Now annoyed I said, "I'm rather busy right now!!"

The voice said, "Honey, I'll have to call you back as there's an idiot next door answering all my questions."

 

[AndyC]

My missus left me a note on the fridge door, it said...

"It's not working any more, I can't take it any longer, I'm going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge... the light came on... the beer was cold...
What the hell is she talking about ???

 

[AndyC]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me’, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there to his groin.

At her insistence however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

’Feels great’, he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’

 

[Methuselah]

My missus left me a note on the fridge door, it said...

"It's not working any more, I can't take it any longer, I'm going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge... the light came on... the beer was cold...
What the hell is she talking about ???

I bought the wife a new fridge for Christmas and was a bit apprehensive that she might be a bit miffed. However, her face lit up when she opened it.

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an I.

 

[summerisle]

There were 10 in the bed and the little one said - - -
"These NHS cuts are ridiculous".

 

[summerisle]

There are three unwritten rules in life :
1.
2.
3.

 

[summerisle]

I grew up in a rough area.
As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a cherry on my head.
It was tough in the gateau.

 

[summerisle]

 

[thevorpalblade]

Did you know that there are 4 types of orgasm...

1 The Positive, the:
Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes...

2 The Negative, the:
Oh No, Oh No, Oh No...

3 The Religious, the:
Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...

4 The Fake, the:
Oh Jurgen, Oh Jurgen, Oh Jurgen


(Or...
Oh Salah, Oh Salah, Oh Salah...
You get the idea. Any Red Tosser)

 

[ushuduup]

Clive was walking past the lunatic asylum one day; drifting over the wall could be heard the faint sound of chanting.

"Eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven"

The further he walked the more intrigued he became by the chanting.

Eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven"

Consumed with curiosity, he searched the perimeter for some way of looking in.

Eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven"

Finally he found a small gap in the wall that he could look through He put his eye to the gap, and was immediately poked in the eye with a stick!

The chanting stopped for a beat, before starting up again.

"Twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve!"

 

[summerisle]

What does a clock do when it's hungry ?
It goes back four seconds.

 

[summerisle]

Did you hear about the Frenchman who could only count to seven.
He had a huit allergy.