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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
raithrovers94
Player Valuation: £1m
Scruffy guy walks into hardware store asks the shopkeeper for a bottle of meths ,shopkeeper says I'm not selling you that your going to go down the park and drink it, afronted the guy says I'm a painter i need the meths to clean my brushes,shopkeeper keeper gets all apologetic and hands the guy a bottle of meths and the guy says have you got a chilled one mate
Why do Norwegian, Swedish and Danish warships have barcodes on the side of their hulls?
It's so when they return to port, the authorities can Scandinavian.
It's so when they return to port, the authorities can Scandinavian.
anton66
Player Valuation: £50m
Didn't know that.
My mate went the Zoo and saw a baguette in one of the cages.He asked the zoo keeper what's that about he said
It's bread in captivity
It's bread in captivity
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says, "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replies. "You keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies...
"I didn't feel a thing!"
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says, "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replies. "You keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies...
"I didn't feel a thing!"
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Went to the pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.
I got served straight away.
terryefc
Player Valuation: £8m
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
Her indoors shouted 'you haven't heard a word I said'. I thought 'what a weird way to start a conversation'.
There are three unwritten rules in life:
1.
2.
3.
There are three unwritten rules in life:
1.
2.
3.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Don't cry 4-3 Argentina.