Jokes Thread

[kev]

My grandson was round ours tonight and he said to me "Grandad I think it;s wonderful that after all these years you still refer to Grandma as 'love', 'darling' or 'sweetheart'"
I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I forgot her name 5 years ago

 

[Rob17896]

Beef pie Jamaica 2,50
Chicken pie Jamaica 3,0
Steak slice Jamaica 2,75


These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

Dear me!

 

[summerisle]

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem.
It's a solution.

 

[Gwladysstreetlad]

 

[polish]

Originally it’s a joke in Poland about some polish football club, but it could be adjusted.

Lady is coming to see a doctor.
Whats going on? - doc is asking
- Doc I have a weird problem. Everytime I spread my legs I hear „you’ll never walk alone”!
- No worries, lady. There are a lot of c***ts that sings that.

 

[AndyC]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

‘Oh please excuse me,’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see’.

‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’

‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny.. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out’.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!’

The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’

The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of an animal am I?’
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you have no balls…You must be a ….

“Politician"

 

[AndyC]

A wife was curious when she found an old negative in a drawer and had it made into a print.

She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband.

When she showed him the photo, his face lit up.

"Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation,


"That's my old Ford!"

 

[Billysgingham.]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

‘Oh please excuse me,’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see’.

‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’

‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny.. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out’.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!’

The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’

The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of an animal am I?’
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you have no balls…You must be a ….

“Politician"

As much as I like most of your jokes this one is crap.

 

[AndyC]

Originally it’s a joke in Poland about some polish football club, but it could be adjusted.

Lady is coming to see a doctor.
Whats going on? - doc is asking
- Doc I have a weird problem. Everytime I spread my legs I hear „you’ll never walk alone”!
- No worries, lady. There are a lot of c***ts that sings that.

As a statement of pure fact, we'll forgive the bad language just this once

 

[Groucho]

Thought I’d post a Dik pic

 

[summerisle]

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

 

[AndyC]

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?"
I said "Well I can't make Tuesdays.”

 

[AndyC]

What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One’s a marsupial only found in Australia, the other’s a Geordie stuck in a lift.

 

[AndyC]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo !!

I was livid, so I just had to put my foot down.