upthetoffees
Player Valuation: £8m
Besides, it was a quote. lolAs a statement of pure fact, we'll forgive the bad language just this once
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
chrismpw
Player Valuation: £70m
upthetoffees
Player Valuation: £8m
One of my favorite Zach Galifianakis one-liners:
"My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter."
"My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter."
I finally bought a universal remote. When I unboxed it and felt it for the first time, I remember thinking, “Wow, this changes everything.”
CouchPotato
Player Valuation: £500k
A guy goes to the doctor and says, “I got this sex problem, doc”.
“Well”, says the quack, “Tell me about your average day”.
“Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for a nookie and then again about 5 o’clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work.”
“Oh I see”, said the doc.
“No, hang on”, said the man,”…you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there.”
“Oh….now I see”, said the quack.
“No you don’t”, said our hero. “When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom”. “Oh….now I see”, said the quack.
“No no no”, he said. “When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I’m very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie”. “Now I understand”, said the patient doctor.
“No, hang on”, said the bloke. “When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she’ll give me the sack.”
“Ahh….”, said the doctor, “now I see..”
“No, there’s more”, said our man, “when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex after dinner.”
“What’s your problem?”, asked the doc.
“Well…”, said our hero, “it hurts when I wank.”
“Well”, says the quack, “Tell me about your average day”.
“Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for a nookie and then again about 5 o’clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work.”
“Oh I see”, said the doc.
“No, hang on”, said the man,”…you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there.”
“Oh….now I see”, said the quack.
“No you don’t”, said our hero. “When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom”. “Oh….now I see”, said the quack.
“No no no”, he said. “When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I’m very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie”. “Now I understand”, said the patient doctor.
“No, hang on”, said the bloke. “When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she’ll give me the sack.”
“Ahh….”, said the doctor, “now I see..”
“No, there’s more”, said our man, “when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex after dinner.”
“What’s your problem?”, asked the doc.
“Well…”, said our hero, “it hurts when I wank.”
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
I couldn't find the car window scraper this morning, so I used a plastic store discount card to clean my windows. It didn't work very well. I only got 20%
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"
She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."
They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"
Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."
Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"
She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."
They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"
Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A policeman tests 3 men who are training to become detectives.
He shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds then asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?"
The guy answers, "That's easy; he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "No, that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
He flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy. "This is your suspect; how would you recognise him?"
The second guy smiles and says, "Easy, he's only got one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "Of course only one eye and one ear are showing. It's a picture of his side profile!"
Extremely frustrated, he shows the picture to the third guy, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?
The third guy looks at the picture and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
He checks the suspect's file on his computer, and to his astonishment finds that the suspect was wearing contact lenses.
"Wow! The suspect does wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" he asks.
"That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
He shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds then asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?"
The guy answers, "That's easy; he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "No, that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
He flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy. "This is your suspect; how would you recognise him?"
The second guy smiles and says, "Easy, he's only got one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "Of course only one eye and one ear are showing. It's a picture of his side profile!"
Extremely frustrated, he shows the picture to the third guy, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?
The third guy looks at the picture and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
He checks the suspect's file on his computer, and to his astonishment finds that the suspect was wearing contact lenses.
"Wow! The suspect does wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" he asks.
"That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
It's the way you tell them. lol
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The barman approached the little drunk and said,
"Tell me, Sir it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The barman approached the little drunk and said,
"Tell me, Sir it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"