Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
“The cobbler's tools had a party. A good time was had by awl.”
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced withprofanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistentlysaying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I couldthink of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird andput him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language andactions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions andI fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude andunforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramaticchange in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced withprofanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistentlysaying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I couldthink of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird andput him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language andactions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions andI fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude andunforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramaticchange in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Things here in the USA are getting more and more conservative regarding birth control. It wasn't always the case. I remember back in the day, as schoolkids, we were taught how to properly use a condom. I vividly recall my health teacher saying, "Class, this is a condom and here's how to use it: put it in your wallet and let it sit there for 19 years."
GrumpyBlue
Player Valuation: £8m
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
(The suspense is killing you, isn't it) ?
She said .........
" You're just the first man who
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
(The suspense is killing you, isn't it) ?
She said .........
" You're just the first man who
Happened to catch my eye. "
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
I thought the punch line was going to be: 'If your around here again, I'll keep my eye out for you'.
Eye don’t get it
anton66
Player Valuation: £50m
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that..'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that..'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
The inventor of hard-boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died.
RIP Scott Cheggs.
RIP Scott Cheggs.
canuckblue
Player Valuation: £50m
Man stops by a pet store and notices a parrot for sale. And he quickly notices the parrot has no legs.
"Wow," he says to himself. "I wonder how on earth he stays on his perch."
"Actually," says the parrot, "I use my penis as a hook."
"You can talk?"
"Yes. I can speak four languages and can converse on any topic you wish."
"I'd love to take you home," he man says, "but 200 bucks? A bit much."
"Look," the bird says. "I'm a deformed parrot. Offer the guy 20 and he'll take it, I guarantee it."
Sure enough, $20 was enough and off the man goes, thoroughly pleased with his purchase.
About a month later, he came home from work and asked the parrot how his day went.
"Kinda strange, to be honest," the bird replied. "About an hour after you left, you got a delivery from UPS."
"I wasn't expecting a delivery."
"Maybe not, but it sure looked like your wife was."
"Whaddaya mean?"
"Well," the bird said after hesitating. "She answered the door in a really skimpy negligee."
"She did what?"
"And then she invited the guy in."
"She did WHAT?"
"Then they went to the couch and took off his shirt and they started kissing and fondling each other.
"THEY DID WHAT!? What else went on?"
"Dunno," the bird said. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
"Wow," he says to himself. "I wonder how on earth he stays on his perch."
"Actually," says the parrot, "I use my penis as a hook."
"You can talk?"
"Yes. I can speak four languages and can converse on any topic you wish."
"I'd love to take you home," he man says, "but 200 bucks? A bit much."
"Look," the bird says. "I'm a deformed parrot. Offer the guy 20 and he'll take it, I guarantee it."
Sure enough, $20 was enough and off the man goes, thoroughly pleased with his purchase.
About a month later, he came home from work and asked the parrot how his day went.
"Kinda strange, to be honest," the bird replied. "About an hour after you left, you got a delivery from UPS."
"I wasn't expecting a delivery."
"Maybe not, but it sure looked like your wife was."
"Whaddaya mean?"
"Well," the bird said after hesitating. "She answered the door in a really skimpy negligee."
"She did what?"
"And then she invited the guy in."
"She did WHAT?"
"Then they went to the couch and took off his shirt and they started kissing and fondling each other.
"THEY DID WHAT!? What else went on?"
"Dunno," the bird said. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
canuckblue
Player Valuation: £50m
There were three bodies in the morgue, all with big grins on their faces. A detective discusses them with the coroner.
"The first one is pretty straightforward," the coroner said. "Frenchman, 95 years old, had a heart attack having sex with his 19-year-old girlfriend. The second one is also pretty simple -- 25 year-old Scot, wins 100,000 pounds in the lottery, blows it all on single malts and dies of alcohol poisoning."
"What about the third?" the cop asks.
"Ah, this one is the interesting one. He is Justin Trudeau, primer minister of Canada. He was killed by lightning."
"But why is he smiling?"
"He thought someone was taking his picture."
"The first one is pretty straightforward," the coroner said. "Frenchman, 95 years old, had a heart attack having sex with his 19-year-old girlfriend. The second one is also pretty simple -- 25 year-old Scot, wins 100,000 pounds in the lottery, blows it all on single malts and dies of alcohol poisoning."
"What about the third?" the cop asks.
"Ah, this one is the interesting one. He is Justin Trudeau, primer minister of Canada. He was killed by lightning."
"But why is he smiling?"
"He thought someone was taking his picture."
G
Golan
Guest
I got there in the end
Yeah, took me a while lol