Jokes Thread

[chrissyjack]

I once dated a female Police Sergeant named Tina. I stayed over one night, and in the morning she asked me if I wanted a cooked breakfast... I wasn’t hungry so I said
“Don't fry for me Sergeant Tina....”.

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[Cellardweller]

What do you call a policewoman who shaves her fanny?

Cu nt stubble

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine?

It was about a weak back

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

What are aging Werewolf barbers most afraid of? Silver mullets.”

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember

 

[Methuselah]

Couple return from holiday in Spain. Wife very disappointed, she said that everyone spoke English and all the food was English. She said that next time she want's to go somewhere were the food is crap and you can't understand what anybody says. Husband has booked a fortnight in Newcastle.

 

[AndyC]

A blonde is cleaning her husbands rifle and accidently shoots him.

She calls 999 and screams, "It's my husband, I've shot him, I've killed him."

The operator says, "Please calm down madam, can you first make sure he is actually dead."

BANG
"Okay, I've done that... what next?"

 

[BigBlueConk]

My mate called me today and asked, "What's the 2nd largest state in America?"
"Texas." I replied.
30 seconds later I got a message on my phone asking, 'What's the 2nd largest state in America?'

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyRome
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

[Tipp blue]

I've deleted all the German contacts from my phone.

Now it's Hans free.

 

[Tipp blue]

Did ya hear about the brilliant farmer?

He was out standing in his field.

 

[gonetomorrow]

Boy puts up his hand in class "Sir? You wouldn't punish someone for something they hadn't done, would you?"
Teacher "No of course not."
"Oh good cos I haven't done my homework."