Jokes Thread

[chrissyjack]

Went to see my friends new house today ,

Said to make myself at home and treat the place as my own ,

So threw him out ,

Hate having visitors.

 

[summerisle]

 

[Socrates]

Policeman: "I'm sorry to tell you sir that your wife is in hospital."

Man: "How is she?"

Policeman: "Very critical."

Man: "Oh yeah? What's she complaining about now?"

 

[tommytowne]

Guy working away from home goes to the local to pass some time and immediately sets eyes on this beautiful girl in a wheelchair and because there was hardly anybody else there, they soon started chatting.

Soon they are getting on famously and the drinks start flowing.

Towards closing time the bloke says he ought to be getting back to his digs and asks how she's getting home. She says my husband normally comes to push me back but I don't know where he is.

Well I can do that if you would let me. OK says the lady and they leave the pub.

After a short while the bloke says I really fancy you and would like to make love to you if that were possible. It is possible she says, lift me out of my chair and drape me over those railings. This he does and they make sweet music.

Afterwards he lifts her down, puts her back in the chair and pushes her back to her home. Approaching her house the girls husband comes out and asks whats going on.

The bloke says, self righteously, I saw she was on her own and brought her safely back.

The husband says thats very kind of you, but all the others usually leave her on the railinngs.

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[tommytowne]

Bloke is getting stick of his missus for there never being enough money to buy things.

With a smirk on his face he says "If you want some more money why don't you try selling your body then"

"Right she said I'll show you" and got herself tarted up and went out with the ladies of the night.

She returned the early hours of the morning and the hubby says "right then how much did you make?"

"£20.50" was her reply.

"Who gave you the 50p" the bloke asked.

"They all did" was her response.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Man: "Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?
Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"
Man: "Fine Father, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the blonde girl.

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the blonde girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.



"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"

 

[summerisle]

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

A man goes into Waterstones and asked the young lady assistant:
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
"I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one, I'll take a copy."

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."