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Jokes Thread

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A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.
Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and dinner plans are made.



After dinner, they head up to his suite. Well, one thing leads to another and as he starts going at it she starts moaning "Oshima!". Believing this must mean she's getting into it, he thrusts harder and harder and she is screaming "Oshima!, Oshima!!".
The next morning, the gentleman invites the father to a round of golf, knowing how much the Japanese love the sport. On the first hole, the father tees up, and nails a hole in one. Thinking quickly, the gentleman yells out "Oshima!!".
The father, with a complexed look, turns to the man and says...
"What do you mean wrong hole?!"
 
Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we are selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."

Without skipping a beat, the old woman said, "Must be doing well…. only two left!"
 
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before thecongregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregationdecided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expandingsalary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much thepastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from hischair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old ladystruggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the antenatal class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"



The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going to play golf tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes golfing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes.”
 
Arguing over a gal's bust size is like choosing between
Stella, Heineken, Kronenberg, & Fosters.​

Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever's available.​
 

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