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Jokes Thread

After many years of discussion, debate and argument. Eminent scientists, physicists and astronomers have all agreed on one thing.
Within the first 1,000,000th of a second after the "Big Bang", two things were created
1-All matter in the universe
2-My jokes
 
A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
 
summerisle said:
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Click to expand...
On a similar theme
What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken!
 
One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".



The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
 
Seeing as this is the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, I thought this would be appropriate.

The world was told that Neil Armstrong's first words upon leaving the lunar lander were: "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." However, this is not in fact true.
His first words, caught on a NASA microphone while he stood on the landing, were: "This is for you, Mr. Kowalski."
Seeing as there was no one named Kowalski working on any part of the moon mission, NASA staff were puzzled as to whom he was referring. And when Armstrong got back to Earth, he steadfastly refused to say.
Many years later, one of the mission control staff bumped into Armstrong and asked again who the mysterious Mr. Kowalski was. Armstrong sighed.
"Well, he's dead now, so I guess it won't matter," he said. "When I was a kid growing up in Ohio, the Kowalskis were our next-door neighbours. We used to play baseball in my back yard and every time the ball was hit over the fence, whoever hit it had to go and get it. One day, that was me and when I got to the ball, I was right underneath their bedroom window.
"That's when I heard Mrs. Kowalski clearly say, 'I'll give you a blow job when that kid next door walks on the moon.' "
 



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