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Jokes Thread

A young ventriloquist is touring Devon and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little $#@! on your lap.'
 
During his medical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a crap golfer.'
 

Two Australian men are walking through the outback one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like a bottomless pit. So one man says to the other, “I wonder how deep this hole is?”

He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the hole. They listen... nothing. The other man then grabs a large stick and throws it in.... Nothing.

At this point the two men are really intrigued over this large hole. So they look around a little for something bigger to throw in, and they come across an old car gear box lying on the ground. They both grab an end, walk it over to the hole, and throw it in.

The men are looking down the hole when all of a sudden they hear this noise in the woods. They look over and see a goat running towards them, it’s really going at some pace. Then it jumps right at them, so they both move out of the way and the goat dives into the hole.

The two men are thinking "What the hell was that?" But eventually they decide to just keep walking.

A little further on they run into an old farmer, and the farmer asks them if they’d seen his goat. The two men tell him that they saw a goat come running out of the woods and jump into this huge hole. But the farmer says "Naw mate. That's impossible. I had it tied to an old gear box"
 
The Celtic View said:
Two Australian men are walking through the outback one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like a bottomless pit. So one man says to the other, “I wonder how deep this hole is?”

He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the hole. They listen... nothing. The other man then grabs a large stick and throws it in.... Nothing.

At this point the two men are really intrigued over this large hole. So they look around a little for something bigger to throw in, and they come across an old car gear box lying on the ground. They both grab an end, walk it over to the hole, and throw it in.

The men are looking down the hole when all of a sudden they hear this noise in the woods. They look over and see a goat running towards them, it’s really going at some pace. Then it jumps right at them, so they both move out of the way and the goat dives into the hole.

The two men are thinking "What the hell was that?" But eventually they decide to just keep walking.

A little further on they run into an old farmer, and the farmer asks them if they’d seen his goat. The two men tell him that they saw a goat come running out of the woods and jump into this huge hole. But the farmer says "Naw mate. That's impossible. I had it tied to an old gear box"
Click to expand...
Laughed out loud in the pub at that one.
 

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."



Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
 
Trump, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.



Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars so she writes him a check.
Finally Trump gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Trump got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
 

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