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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Gwladysstreetlad
Player Valuation: £50m
Asda have introduced the sound of chickens clucking at the egg section. Tesco have introduced the sound of cows at the milk section......I get my toilet paper from the corner shop
aazak
Player Valuation: £20m
Apparently it's National Tell a Joke Day somewhere, so here's a few off Twitter:
I went to the zoo. There was only one animal. It was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Two windmills are standing in a field.
One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other one says, "I’m a big metal fan."
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
A cowboy rode into town. He was wearing a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and brown paper trousers.
The sheriff had him hanged for rustling.
I went to the zoo. There was only one animal. It was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Two windmills are standing in a field.
One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other one says, "I’m a big metal fan."
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
A cowboy rode into town. He was wearing a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and brown paper trousers.
The sheriff had him hanged for rustling.
-Rob-
Player Valuation: £15m
There's always one
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
Mountain aren't just funny, their hill areas.
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
I stayed up all night wondering where the Sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."
"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."
"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
‘You're the eighth.‘
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
‘You're the eighth.‘
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Jokes about sugar are rare
Jokes about brown sugar...
Demerara
Jokes about brown sugar...
Demerara
aazak
Player Valuation: £20m
Edinburgh Festival top 10 jokes:
- 1 Olaf Falafel
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
- 2 Richard Stott
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
- 3 Milton Jones
What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
- 4 Jake Lambert
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
- 5 Ross Smith
A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
- 6 Ross Smith
Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
- 7 Adele Cliff
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.
- 8 Richard Pulsford
After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
- 9 Mark Simmons
To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
- 10 Ivo Graham
I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.
- 1 Olaf Falafel
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
- 2 Richard Stott
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
- 3 Milton Jones
What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
- 4 Jake Lambert
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
- 5 Ross Smith
A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
- 6 Ross Smith
Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
- 7 Adele Cliff
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.
- 8 Richard Pulsford
After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
- 9 Mark Simmons
To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
- 10 Ivo Graham
I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.
Connor mcloud
Player Valuation: £8m
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drinks, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, And smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that we never played monopoly again.