LEONARD
Player Valuation: £60m
Correct, I was distracted by alcohol.
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Correct, I was distracted by alcohol.
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
Mother, a bit concerned as her daughter is on her first date. The lad she is going with comes from a notoriously mean and tight-fisted family. When her daughter returns from the date, her mother asks how it went. 'He took me out for tea and biscuits' daughter said. Mother asks if she enjoyed it. 'Yes, it was exciting, I'd never given blood before'.
(from Twitter)
Sports junkie: He shoots, he scores!
Heroin junkie: He scores, he shoots!
Sports junkie: He shoots, he scores!
Heroin junkie: He scores, he shoots!
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
bigbadjeff
Player Valuation: £15m
Looks photoshopped, does she look intelligent enough to do something like that?
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Bloke up in front of the judge in a domestic violence case.
Judge: Mr. Smith, why do you keep beating your wife?
Mr. Smith: Superior footwork your honour!
Judge: Mr. Smith, why do you keep beating your wife?
Mr. Smith: Superior footwork your honour!
Lickle eric
Player Valuation: £30m
Why cant you hear the pterdactyl in the bathroom.
Because the P is silent.
Because the P is silent.
Billysgingham.
Player Valuation: £40m
A man spots a sign outside a house"Talking greyhound for sale" he rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.The man sees a lovely looking greyhound sitting there, " Do you really talk"? he asks the greyhound. "Yes " the greyhound replies.After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk the man asks, "So tell me your story".The greyhound looks up and says "well I discovered I could talk when I was a puppy, I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS, in no time they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one would imagine a greyhound would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years.But all the jetting around was very tiring and I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.I got a job at Heathrow doing undercover work, wandering around by suspicious characters and listening in, I uncovered some incredible dealings and I was awarded several medals.I then met a bitch and we had a few puppies together and settled down".The man is absolutely gobsmacked, he goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog," £ 10 " he replies, but why so cheap this dog is amazing the man says, because he is a lying bstard he's never been out of the back garden.
When my wife died I couldn’t look at another woman for twenty years.
The sentence was well worth it though !!
The sentence was well worth it though !!
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
My mates wife thinks playing 80's Ska music at the dinner table is bad manners, I think it's madness.
centralTon
Player Valuation: £10m
I've had the shits all week...
but they go back to their mum today.
but they go back to their mum today.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy!
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy!
Socrates
Player Valuation: £6m
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise their concerns about the couple's suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care:
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits into the cannon."
Social workers there raise their concerns about the couple's suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care:
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits into the cannon."
They're looking for a child of the right calibre then?