Jokes Thread

[summerisle]

Shop assistant, "How about this one ?"
Psychic, "That shirt is too small."
Shop assistant, "You didn't even try it on."
Psychic, "I'm a medium."

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says, "oh no, not U2 again."

Q: Why did Bono fall off the stage?
A: He was too close to The Edge

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Or
Q: Did you hear about the family with the U2 Sat Nav?
A: All the streets have no names and they still haven't found what they are looking for.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Or even
Q: Why are they called U2?
A: Because everyone knows it's Bono, the Edge and…er…you two.

 

[blue1948]

Look again.

At what ?She has an analogue watch on.

 

[Socrates]

They told me I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic but they were wrong.

So far I've made 3 nice jugs and a lovely vase.

 

[Dylan]

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering!!!

 

[Eggs]

They told me I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic but they were wrong.

So far I've made 3 nice jugs and a lovely vase.

....which reminds me;

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association.

 

[kev]

My Doctor referred me to a psychiatrist because of my mental state.
The shrink said, "So, you say that you think you're a traffic light?"
I said, "Now let let me stop you right there"

 

[summerisle]

 

[Jamo Martinez]

Had a big argument with the wife the other day. We both went to bed angry, back turned to each other. I woke in the middle of the night to find her shoving lipstick and eyeliner into my back passage with one hand and digging her nails into my back with the other. I said ''what the hell is going on?'' She said ''make up sex''.

 

[summerisle]

 

[JammyP]

Knock knock
Who's there
Marco

 

[PKwalnuts]

Me : Did you see The Joker this weekend?
Mate : Yeah, and I still can't believe he hasn't been sacked yet

 

[Agent Blue]

A ton of human hair was stolen from a warehouse on Scotty Road.........Police are combing the area.