Jokes Thread

[Kurt.]

A ton of human hair was stolen from a warehouse on Scotty Road.........Police are combing the area.

Pffft ..that’s just the police spreading rumours so people think they’re busy


Pigs tails

 

[summerisle]

 

[Methuselah]

Was a bit apprehensive when I bought her indoors a fridge for her birthday, but her face lit up when she opened the door.

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

Students at a Local High School were assigned to read two books,
One was 'Titanic' and the other was called 'My Life' by ex-President Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

 

[The binman chronicles]

Students at a Local High School were assigned to read two books,
One was 'Titanic' and the other was called 'My Life' by ex-President Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

I know it is a joke but if anyone can read Bill Clinton's my life in 3 hours then my god their eyeballs move way, way, way faster than mine.

 

[Agent Blue]

New restaurant opened in town called Karma.
There are no menu's.........you get what you deserve!

 

[Methuselah]

I know it is a joke but if anyone can read Bill Clinton's my life in 3 hours then my god their eyeballs move way, way, way faster than mine.

Shouldn't that be in 'Confess here you sinners'? lol

 

[Methuselah]

Bloke joined the new Tesco dating service. Now wishes he hadn't, ended up with a bag for life.

 

[summerisle]

 

[Socrates]

The kids got upset when I put ginger in their curry.

They loved that cat.

 

[summerisle]

Every episode of Scooby Doo is a shaggy/dog story.

 

[Sharpattack]

 

[summerisle]

 

[aynuk]

I just withdrew £300 to pay for a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

I can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

 

[Cels]

Years ago, when I was part of the 'Advanced Technology Unit' at University, my colleagues would mock me about my extensive research into developing an invisibility device. Well, if only they could see me now.