Doctor,Doctor I keep thinking I'm a piglet
How long have you felt like this?
Weeeeeeeeks
How long have you felt like this?
Weeeeeeeeks
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
...an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman go into a pub. There’s usually an Englishman but he’s still in Japan watching the Rugby World Cup.
The binman chronicles
Player Valuation: £80m
Sorry eggs, the Welshman is still in Japan and won't be leaving until Friday night.
...ha, ha, that’s true.
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
Couldn't he get tickets to the final?
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
A group of us were talking the other evening about longevity of life and what we would do if we had an inkling of how long we would live.
I mentioned that my grandad knew exactly when he was going to die...………..The judge told him
There's more, in that on the day he was to depart this mortal coil, he and the hangman were walking across the grim prison courtyard to the gallows and it was absolutely sheeting it down. What a day said my grandad. Its ok for you said the executioner. I've got to walk back in this
I mentioned that my grandad knew exactly when he was going to die...………..The judge told him
There's more, in that on the day he was to depart this mortal coil, he and the hangman were walking across the grim prison courtyard to the gallows and it was absolutely sheeting it down. What a day said my grandad. Its ok for you said the executioner. I've got to walk back in this
The binman chronicles
Player Valuation: £80m
Probably bought tickets to the final and is now trying to offload it to a SA supporter.
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
One night, when I was a really young, I had a terrible nightmare that a crow came to me and told me that my aunt was going to drop dead the next day. I ran to my parents room and told my dad what happened. He calmed me down and told me it was OK. The next day, my mother received a call that my aunt had just dropped dead. That night, I had another dream that the crow came to me and told me that my father was going to die!!! I sprinted down the hall to my parents room and told my dad what had happened. He once again calmed me down and said it was going to be ok. But the next morning when he left for work, he was so distraught. The whole day, he thought that every step he took was his last. He came home that night and sat with my mother at the dinner table and said, "I had the most horrible day today." My mother then relied, "You think YOU had a bad day??? I had the Milkman drop dead on the doorstep.!!!
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
I was at my sisters the other week looking after her youngest when I got a bit peckish. I started rooting around for something to put on some crackers and came across a jar of crab paste.
When she came back I played hell with her telling her that paste tasted bloody awful and I asked where she got it from.
The chemist's she said.
When she came back I played hell with her telling her that paste tasted bloody awful and I asked where she got it from.
The chemist's she said.
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.
A) He didn't have the guts for it.
A skeleton went skating around Battersea Dogs Home , earlier . The pups got excited thinking it was Meals on Wheels
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'