Jokes Thread

[raithrovers94]

A guy happens upon a cafe and he's looking at the specials at the door it say cheese roll 50p ham roll 80p and handjobs £5 so he pops his head in the door and sees this stunning woman and says is it you that does the handjobs she says yes he says go and wash your hands and make me a cheese roll

 

[Sharpattack]

 

[Billysgingham.]

View attachment 73933

That's just wrong...but funny.

 

[Professor Toffee]

Or even Adolph?....lol

He'd have a moustache not a red nose

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over. "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again. "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"
Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"
Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"
Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"

 

[Kurt.]

Just been out to my car and there was a snake on the front window....













Think it was a windscreen viper

 

[Ducans elbow]

NEEED to rant...
I will never help anyone again......EVER! I'm too kindhearted, or I'm too stupid.....
Yesterday it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our hearts. We felt so sorry for him, poor thing was standing stiff and frozen out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him.
The last straw?!?! When I realized he had peed all over the kitchen floor! That's the “thank you” I get for being good to people?!?!?!
Now I'm going to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy-set, wearing nothing but a scarf, he has a carrot-like nose, two black eyes, and his arms are stick skinny. Don't bring him into your house! What a mess he made on the floor.

 

[summerisle]

Traffic update :

A Vicks Vapourub lorry has overturned on the M62.
Police have confirmed that there will be no congestion for eight hours.

 

[-Rob-]

I had a guy break in to my house and steal 20% of my couch.

Ouch!!

 

[chrismpw]

Just been out to my car and there was a snake on the front window....













Think it was a windscreen viper

It's too early for Christmas crackers.

 

[Methuselah]

It's too early for Christmas crackers.

It was a reject by the Christmas Cracker Companies.

 

[deipnosophist]

Just been out to my car and there was a snake on the front window....













Think it was a windscreen viper

On that reptilian theme: Apparently, Lady Gaga, under that dress she wore made of meat, had knickers made of meat covered in pastry:


It was a pie thong....



...I'll get my coat....

 

[verreauxi]

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Good stuff!

 

[verreauxi]

I had a very important phone interview for a new job. I was quite nervous about it. Trying to comfort me, my friend said "relax and just be yourself." So when phone rang, I didn't answer it.