Jokes Thread

[ushuduup]

Two Glasgwegians are walking past a patisserie..

One says to the other:
"Is that a macaroon or a Meringue?"

The other replies:
"Yer nae wrang pal, it's a macaroon!"

 

[Joey66]

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said. The man replied, "that's good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

 

[Joey66]

A newly-wed couple didn’t know the difference between putty and Vaseline. A week after the marriage all their windows fell out. Which was the least of their worries. ....

 

[Joey66]

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

[witchdoc187]

Despite my username I'm not that funny

I slept like a log last night though.



Woke up in my fireplace.

Dad? Is that you? Next you'll be pointing to graveyards saying "people are dying to get in there" every single time for 40 years

 

[Joey66]

Dad? Is that you? Next you'll be pointing to graveyards saying "people are dying to get in there" every single time for 40 years

Or last night I dreamt I ate a 6lb huge marshmallow- woke up am , and my pillow had gone......

 

[JokerJ]

Dad? Is that you? Next you'll be pointing to graveyards saying "people are dying to get in there" every single time for 40 years

Or last night I dreamt I ate a 6lb huge marshmallow- woke up am , and my pillow had gone......

Was it that bad haha

 

[Cels]

A woman runs up to a Policeman and says "Officer. Some bloke just pulled his car over and asked me for direction. When I got close, he flashed his penis at me". The Policeman looks shocked and asks "Was he in a 'State of Arousal'?" "No" she replies, "I think it was a Ford Focus".

 

[Cels]

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[witchdoc187]

Or last night I dreamt I ate a 6lb huge marshmallow- woke up am , and my pillow had gone......

Haha yes exactly

 

[Joey66]

Three prisoners are locked in a cell. One takes out a harmonica and says, ‘At least I can play a little music and pass the time.’ The second prisoner pull out a pack of cards and says, ‘We can play games too.’ The third man pulls out a packet of tampons. ‘Those aren’t much use,’ says the first prisoner. ‘Yes they are,’ says the third prisoner. ‘On the packet it says we can use them to swim, play tennis and ski.’

 

[Joey66]

A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says "Hey baby, want to have sex?" The nun says "God no!" so she gets off the bus angry. When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him "Hey man. you see that graveyard across the street?" The hippie go's "yeah I see it, what about it?" "well every Tuesday night at 8:30. the nun go's to the top of the hill to pray. If you dress up as a ghost, and tell her to have sex with you, she'll have too" The hippie replied "sweet!" So Tuesday night comes and the hippie has a ghost costume, 8:30 comes and here comes the nun. The hippie pops out and says "I am the ghost of a man buried here, and I command you to have sex with me!" The nun go's "Well... ok, but I have a virgins aspect so it has to be oral" So the nun and the hippie have oral sex and the hippie runs away and says "Ha, ha I was actually the hippie" and the nun said "Ha, ha I'm actually the bus driver!"

 

[Joey66]

Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands. ‘Tell me,’ says one. ‘Did you have mutual orgasms?’ ‘No,’ says the other. ‘I think we were with the Prudential.’

 

[canuckblue]

View attachment 80429


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Aldo, is that you?

 

[JimmyJeffers]

Mick jagger’s son was in London ...