Bishop Thumpety-Thump
Player Valuation: £15m
Haha love Bernard Righton. That was filmed at the Neptune.
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Haha love Bernard Righton. That was filmed at the Neptune.
Bishop Thumpety-Thump
Player Valuation: £15m
Just found out Yoda off Star Wars has a surname. It's Layheehoo.
Bishop Thumpety-Thump
Player Valuation: £15m
If anybody gets a message off me regarding tinned meat please don't open it. It's just spam.
Bishop Thumpety-Thump
Player Valuation: £15m
I'll never forget the time I applied to be a member of the Tommy Cooper appreciation society. They accepted me just like that.
The Legend of Southall
Player Valuation: £8m
Why did Adele cross the road?
So she could say hello from the other side
So she could say hello from the other side
Says someone who posted a Thora Herd Joke.......
My I thought it cost a lot joking my local golf club - then purchasing all the equipment .......
I went swimming with the Sharks on holiday it cost me an arm & a leg ......
I went swimming with the Sharks on holiday it cost me an arm & a leg ......
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
Geordie lass walks into the hairdressers in Newcastle. She asks 'can you give us a perm'? The hairdresser says 'Ahh wundad lernly as a clood'.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought...
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... .'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought...
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... .'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Jesus, Henrik Larsson and Steven Gerrard were out on a boat fishing on Loch Lomond.
After about an hour Jesus stands up and says "[Poor language removed] this l’m away for a pint".
He steps out the boat and walks on the water to the shore.
After another hour Henrik says "[Poor language removed] it, l’m going for a pint”
Henrik walks over the water to join Jesus for couple of pints.
Gerrard is having no luck with the fish.
He sees Jesus and Henrik enjoying their pints and waving at him to join them. “Eeeeeh [Poor language removed] it, I've had enough, l’m going for a pint".
He takes a couple of steps on the water, falls in and drowns.
Jesus and Henrik watched it all from the shore.
Jesus turns to Henrik and says "Did you not tell him about the stepping stones?”
Henrik says "What [Poor language removed] stepping stones?”
After about an hour Jesus stands up and says "[Poor language removed] this l’m away for a pint".
He steps out the boat and walks on the water to the shore.
After another hour Henrik says "[Poor language removed] it, l’m going for a pint”
Henrik walks over the water to join Jesus for couple of pints.
Gerrard is having no luck with the fish.
He sees Jesus and Henrik enjoying their pints and waving at him to join them. “Eeeeeh [Poor language removed] it, I've had enough, l’m going for a pint".
He takes a couple of steps on the water, falls in and drowns.
Jesus and Henrik watched it all from the shore.
Jesus turns to Henrik and says "Did you not tell him about the stepping stones?”
Henrik says "What [Poor language removed] stepping stones?”
This is a story to help inspire you to reach for your dreams & never ever give up.
Many years ago, my mates missus came a close 2nd in the Miss Glasgow 2001 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of horrendous luck. She suffered years of drug & alcohol abuse & a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg & needed facial reconstruction after a road traffic accident. Later she suffered 90% facial burns after a random unprovoked acid attack. Several teeth were knocked out & an eye gouged out in a fight outside a KFC takeaway. The stress caused severe hair loss & facial warts.
But she NEVER stopped believing, and then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Larkhall 2020
Many years ago, my mates missus came a close 2nd in the Miss Glasgow 2001 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of horrendous luck. She suffered years of drug & alcohol abuse & a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg & needed facial reconstruction after a road traffic accident. Later she suffered 90% facial burns after a random unprovoked acid attack. Several teeth were knocked out & an eye gouged out in a fight outside a KFC takeaway. The stress caused severe hair loss & facial warts.
But she NEVER stopped believing, and then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Larkhall 2020
Guy goes into a pub with his dug. Orders a beer and says to the barman: "I've nae money but I'll show you something better. Ma dug can talk"
Barman says: "Right make it talk"
Boy pulls out a bit sandpaper, scrapes the dugs arse with it and says to the dug: "How's that that feel?"
The dug says "Ruff"
Barman says "[Poor language removed] off, oot ye get" and the guy says " Naw, naw it can talk... geez another chance"
So this time he says to the dug, "Yer playing golf and your baw doesn't hit the fairway, green, bunker or water, where is it?"
Dug says "Ruff"
Barman says "Right [Poor language removed] this oot ye get, the pair of ye" and the boy says
"Naw honestly, he can talk... geez wan mair chance"
Boy turns to the dug and says," Right listen you... this is oor last chance or we're getting kicked outa here...World Cup in Mexico 1986...who was in goal for Scotland?"
The dug says "Ruff!"
Barman says " Right that's it!" and chucks the two of them oot.
Boy's sitting on the pavement outside and the dug turns and says to him
"Wiz it Jim Leighton?"
Barman says: "Right make it talk"
Boy pulls out a bit sandpaper, scrapes the dugs arse with it and says to the dug: "How's that that feel?"
The dug says "Ruff"
Barman says "[Poor language removed] off, oot ye get" and the guy says " Naw, naw it can talk... geez another chance"
So this time he says to the dug, "Yer playing golf and your baw doesn't hit the fairway, green, bunker or water, where is it?"
Dug says "Ruff"
Barman says "Right [Poor language removed] this oot ye get, the pair of ye" and the boy says
"Naw honestly, he can talk... geez wan mair chance"
Boy turns to the dug and says," Right listen you... this is oor last chance or we're getting kicked outa here...World Cup in Mexico 1986...who was in goal for Scotland?"
The dug says "Ruff!"
Barman says " Right that's it!" and chucks the two of them oot.
Boy's sitting on the pavement outside and the dug turns and says to him
"Wiz it Jim Leighton?"
Seathestars
Player Valuation: £60m
I told the wife I was bored, she suggested I make a bird table.
So I did, now she's furious 'cos she's only 6th
So I did, now she's furious 'cos she's only 6th