Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
What do you call somebody who’s scared of Giants ?
FeeFiiiFobic
FeeFiiiFobic
Seathestars
Player Valuation: £60m
The wife’s just called me, said she’s in casualty, I thought OMFG
I put the Telly on quick, watched it for an hour, didn’t see her once
I put the Telly on quick, watched it for an hour, didn’t see her once
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.
"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
"I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"
"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle".
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.
"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
"I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"
"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle".
Seathestars
Player Valuation: £60m
Saw the Doctor today, I dropped my Jeans and undies and showed him the Boil on my arse.
He told me to make an appointment for next week, then carried on pushing his trolley through the Supermarket.
He told me to make an appointment for next week, then carried on pushing his trolley through the Supermarket.
Boy -“dad, can you tell me about a solar eclipse please ?”
Dad- “No sun”
Dad- “No sun”
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Typos - the Greek god of spelling mistakes.
To the guy who stole my running shoes, hi-viz vest and luminous running hat - you can run but you can’t hide.
royalblue66
Player Valuation: £70m
Fella with his new GF walking Down a lane, he said to her "I would like to make love to you" his GF replied I would like you to" he started fumbling with her clothes
and his GF said "not here there are too many people about" " we will get over this wall int the field" she said I can't get over that it's too high" he unzipped and said
" stand on this,holding his tool in his hand, hold my hand you won't fall off it, she said " how am I going to get back ?"
and his GF said "not here there are too many people about" " we will get over this wall int the field" she said I can't get over that it's too high" he unzipped and said
" stand on this,holding his tool in his hand, hold my hand you won't fall off it, she said " how am I going to get back ?"
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman asks, "Who's first ?"
Seathestars
Player Valuation: £60m
The wife shouted down the stairs 'have you ever felt like someone has made a Voodoo doll of you and is stabbing you with pins'
I replied No
She asked 'how about now'
I replied No
She asked 'how about now'
thevorpalblade
Player Valuation: £950k
Did you know that their are 4 types of orgasm? There's...
The positive... the "Oh Yes! Oh Yes! Oh Yes!"
The negative... the "Oh No! Oh No! Oh No!"
The religious... the "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
And, of course, the fakes...
"Oh Gerrard! Oh Gerrard! Oh Gerrard!"
Or
"Oh Klop! Oh Klop! Oh Klop!"
Substitute as appropriate.
The positive... the "Oh Yes! Oh Yes! Oh Yes!"
The negative... the "Oh No! Oh No! Oh No!"
The religious... the "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
And, of course, the fakes...
"Oh Gerrard! Oh Gerrard! Oh Gerrard!"
Or
"Oh Klop! Oh Klop! Oh Klop!"
Substitute as appropriate.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
So they start having sex in front of the barman. It's awkward. But finally the chicken rolls over and lights a satisfying cigarette. The egg looks nonplussed. The bartender says, "well, I guess that's settled then"
