Jokes Thread

[Drumblue]

I went into my local Fish and Chip shop and ordered a chip butty.
The woman serving asked me “What type of bread would you like?”
I replied “Ciabatta Bread?”
She said “No, only the fish, jumbo sausage and Mars bars”!

 

[Drumblue]

View attachment 106676

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Somebody was trying to argue with me that sourdough was better than ciabatta...​

I can't believe baguettry exists in today's times.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

I went into my local Fish and Chip shop and ordered a chip butty.
The woman serving asked me “What type of bread would you like?”
I replied “Ciabatta Bread?”
She said “No, only the fish, jumbo sausage and Mars bars”!

This might explain...

What did the Italian baseball coach say about the only woman on the team?​

Ciabatta very good!

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

Just lost my job as a mime artist.

Must've been something I said.

 

[royalblue66]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding the range, Tonto dismounts
and puts his ear to then ground, he said “ buffaloe come Kimasabi”
The Lone Ranger “ how you know Tonto” ? “ face wet Kimasabi”.

 

[degsy]

View attachment 105944

Ken Dodd likes this

 

[Drumblue]

Ken Dodd likes this

 

[Bwana]

^ Reminds me of: "Go and simulate manually coitus with thy self".

 

[Drumblue]

Just lost my job as a mime artist.

Must've been something I said.

 

[Toast]

 

[tommytowne]

Old guy on his own buys a budgie so he can have a bit of company in the flat.

Wakes up first morning noticing the bird looking a bit sad, so nips to the pet shop and buys a mirror for the cage. That'll brighten him up thinks the bloke.

Following morning no noticeable change, so he gets one of those plastic budgies to clip to the rung in the hope the thing will think it's got a mate and converse with it,

Miserable as ever the next day, off to the pet shop and gets one of those little toys with weights in the bottom that bounce back when pecked.

Goes on for days this, getting toys for the thing with absolutely no change.

One morning, gets up and the budgie is lying dead alongside something pecked into the sandpaper in the cage bottom.........SEED.

 

[tommytowne]

Old guy on his own buys a budgie so he can have a bit of company in the flat.

Wakes up first morning noticing the bird looking a bit sad, so nips to the pet shop and buys a mirror for the cage. That'll brighten him up thinks the bloke.

Following morning no noticeable change, so he gets one of those plastic budgies to clip to the rung in the hope the thing will think it's got a mate and converse with it,

Miserable as ever the next day, off to the pet shop and gets one of those little toys with weights in the bottom that bounce back when pecked.

Goes on for days this, getting toys for the thing with absolutely no change.

One morning, gets up and the budgie is lying dead alongside something pecked into the sandpaper in the cage bottom.........SEED.

As ever it's best told. An old one of course off one of the Comedians series back in the seventies. Trying to write it is a nightmare. I only posted it because there were quite a few lame efforts of late.

 

[Methuselah]

Saw a guy coming out of the supermarket with a trolley overflowing with San Miguel's. Bloody Hispanic buying.

 

[summerisle]