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Jokes Thread

An Indian guy opened a Take away on the Shankill Rd and of course he had "the boys" come pay him a visit. They started by asking him what his religion was?
He replied that he was Hindu.
They said that he was in Belfast now and had to take a side, was he Prod or a Taig?
Again he told them that he was Hindu and wasn’t either.
So they then asked him where he came from in India, he told he was from Delhi.
At that they shot him in the knee.
He was rolling around on the floor he asked why did you shoot me?
“Well if you were a Prod, you’d have said
Londondelhi”
 
CATHOLIC HORSES.

A punter was at the Horse Races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that Horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the Horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the Horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the Horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next..???
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing longshots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his worldly savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which Horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the Priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The Punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father, Father..! What happened..??? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings"...!
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said,
"That's the problem with you [Poor language removed] Protestants, you can't
tell the difference between a simple Blessing and The Last Rites"....
 


Mother and son conversation:
” Whya you doa dis to me , you keep a breaking your a poor mama‘s heart “
”Oh ma, ma, don’t talk that way, don’t talk that way “
“ Why nota , why nota I talk dis way when you keep a breaking your poor momma’s heart?”
“ Cos you‘re not Italian.”
 
A small zoo in Oslo acquired a rare female gorilla which soon became very difficult to handle. The vet discovered she was in season and there were no male gorillas available. Thinking about their problem, the Zookeeper thought of Albert the part-time cage cleaner.

Albert, like many Liverpool supporters, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female.
The Zookeeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £5000?
Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully and the following day announced that he would accept their offer on 4 conditions:

1. There was to be no kissing on the lips, which was agreed.

2. Nobody outside the zoo must ever know about this, which was also agreed.

3. I want any children raised as Liverpool fans, which was also agreed.

Last of all Albert stated you must give me a couple of weeks to come up with the 5000 quid!
 

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