Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper
Just like that
Tommy Cooper
Just like that
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
The Thumb King
Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, sturdier. Turns out, Thumb worked quite well with the individual Fingers, and everyone found that they could perform better and do more with Thumb's help.Thumb became so useful to the Fingers that soon they found they could not live without his help. Thumb began to make demands of the Fingers; first, it was just more pay, but then he wanted more and more. A diamond-studded glove, a luxury car, the list of demands became longer and longer. But what could the Fingers do? They resented Thumb's demands but needed his help far too much to risk alienating him.Eventually, Thumb was elected King. And if you think regular Thumb was demanding, King Thumb was worse. Soon, all the Fingers began to resent King Thumb, for his rulings were tyrannical, and he never, ever trimmed his nail. The Fingers began to despair, for they feared they would never be able to stand up to King Thumb.Until one day, when Pinky realized that the Fingers could indeed stand up to the tyranny of King Thumb. Until then, everyone thought that it was impossible to stand up to Thumb, but Pinky reminded that all that Thumbs are, in fact, opposable.
Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, sturdier. Turns out, Thumb worked quite well with the individual Fingers, and everyone found that they could perform better and do more with Thumb's help.Thumb became so useful to the Fingers that soon they found they could not live without his help. Thumb began to make demands of the Fingers; first, it was just more pay, but then he wanted more and more. A diamond-studded glove, a luxury car, the list of demands became longer and longer. But what could the Fingers do? They resented Thumb's demands but needed his help far too much to risk alienating him.Eventually, Thumb was elected King. And if you think regular Thumb was demanding, King Thumb was worse. Soon, all the Fingers began to resent King Thumb, for his rulings were tyrannical, and he never, ever trimmed his nail. The Fingers began to despair, for they feared they would never be able to stand up to King Thumb.Until one day, when Pinky realized that the Fingers could indeed stand up to the tyranny of King Thumb. Until then, everyone thought that it was impossible to stand up to Thumb, but Pinky reminded that all that Thumbs are, in fact, opposable.
I'm fed up of comments from people ridiculing EVs. They don't know what they're talking about.Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche.Their acceleration and handling are fantastic. They look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance and haven't depreciated since I bought them.Literally the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa...
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
Paddy falls of the scaffolding on the building site and rips one of his ears off so he gets all the lads looking for it and the foreman picks it up and says “hey paddy is this it and paddy says no and the foreman says wtf you mean no !! Paddy replies cos mine had a pencil behind it 
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Bought a new telly to watch next season's premiership. Opened the box .. no Leeds
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £70m
Be careful, they may sue.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Reminds me of a Chubby Brown joke - I'm not saying my Building Site Foreman is a right Barsteward - but my mate accidentally fell off the scaffolding on site, & he ran & clocked him off before he hit the deck ......Paddy falls of the scaffolding on the building site and rips one of his ears off so he gets all the lads looking for it and the foreman picks it up and says “hey paddy is this it and paddy says no and the foreman says wtf you mean no !! Paddy replies cos mine had a pencil behind it
