Jokes Thread

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Not saying my ex was fat ..but it took my memory foam mattress a year to forget her/him...

 

[Vintage]

Not saying my ex was fat ..but it took my memory foam mattress a year to forget her/him...

A ladyboy??

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

A ladyboy??

Is that a thing nowadays?

Asking for a friend, obviously

 

[Sadken]

I got a job as a taxidermist,my first job was a donkey, but I got sacked half way through it, the boss said I made a half ass job of it .

 

[Sadken]

Just pulled up at the traffic lights and there was an AA van next to me and the driver was crying his eyes out, I thought ,he's heading for a breakdown.

 

[Milk]

Three lads in the playground bragging about how fast their dads are.

"My dad is faster than a lion," says the first boy.

The second laughs and said, "Mine is faster than a cheetah".

The third is not impressed and says, "mine is faster, he works for the council."

The boys look confused until he explains, "He finishes work at 5pm but he's home by half past two."

 

[MrPerfectNot]

Did you hear the members of the Autopsy Club were really excited for their meeting?


It's Open Mike night.

 

[summerisle]

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

Just got a job at a toy factory making plastic Draculas. There’s only me and one other fella working so I have to make every second count.

 

[summerisle]

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

A Labour* politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”The Labour politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

*Any sensitive souls can substitute a political party of choice here

 

[Bluesaint]

What would you do if you saw a spaceman?

Park in it, man.

(Sorry)

 

[Milk]

The women's trophy for winning Wimbledon is essentially just a plate. Really to remind them what they should be doing instead of playing tennis.

 

[summerisle]

 

[Joey66]

Three lads in the playground bragging about how fast their dads are.

"My dad is faster than a lion," says the first boy.

The second laughs and said, "Mine is faster than a cheetah".

The third is not impressed and says, "mine is faster, he works for the council."

The boys look confused until he explains, "He finishes work at 5pm but he's home by half past two."

When I first worked on a council - they used to say an 1/8 of an inch off sweat from a council worker in a jam jar was more expensive than a gold bar