Jokes Thread

[Joey66]

. "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, 'Dad, can't you just use a sponge?'"​

 

[Joey66]

"A guy walks into a doctor's office butt naked but wrapped head to toe in cellophane. The doctor takes one look at him and says, 'Well, I can clearly see your nuts."​

 

[Joey66]

"A group of nuns is painting their convent on a hot summer day. Mother Superior tells them to hurry up and finish because the blind man is coming. The nuns get so hot from working in the heat that one suggests they take their tops off to cool down. Another says, 'OK, I guess it’s just a blind man that’s coming.' The blind man arrives and says, 'Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?'"​

 

[Kurt.]

No thanks lol

Don’t fret Joey x

 

[Milk]

I think the worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn

 

[Milk]

I’ve got a magic twig


It’s mystic

 

[anjelikaferrett]

People who like granulated sugar are quite common. Those who like other types of sugar - demerara.

 

[Milk]

I went into an explosives shop yesterday and tried to buy a grenade with my debit card.

It all went wrong when the cashier asked for my pin.

 

[NeilMorepies]

The wife was a bit apprehensive about hosting a Bukkake party, as she was a bit worried that nobody we invited would turn up.
You should have seen the smile on her face when everybody came.

 

[Shevin Keedy]

Shortly before he died we spread lard all over my Grandad's back.

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

 

[Milk]

I was in ecstasy, with a smile on my face, as my wife moved forwards then backwards.... Forwards then backwards.... Back & forth, back & forth... In and out... In and out....

Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan, then she let out one almighty scream...






"I can't park this f’king car, you do it you smug bustard"

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

So many complain about life & the cost of living. I'm on a sofa worth £3,500 snug in front of a fire worth £2,300, watching a movie on a smart TV worth £4,000. I'm happy with no worries & not a care. Not even the staff at John Lewis, who keep asking me to leave can spoil my day.

 

[BigDunc'sFod]

A woman goes in for breast implants and gets one of them made out of oak.

It would be great if this had a punchline, wouldn't it.

 

[Joey66]

 

[Milk]

Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work.

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.