Jokes Thread

[tonyhorne]

A horse race meeting held on the grounds of a Jewish synagogue

the winning horse won in a canter

The race had to be staged again. This time it was in a vintners and the winner won in a decanter.

It was a re-rum ...

 

[Cels]

​

 

[Milk]

I asked a woman today what her favorite type of man was.

She said “Doctors, Dentists and Coal Men.”

“How does that work?”I asked.

“Well,” she replied, “the Doctor asks me to take my clothes off, the Dentist asks me to open my mouth and the Coal Man asks me if I want it in the front or the back...”

 

[Milk]

People are weird.

I donated one kidney and I was a hero.


I've now donated five, and I've got the metropolitan police kicking my front door in.

 

[Joey66]

I purchased a Chameleon for my grandchild - it was fine for a week - put my hand in its cage & it bit me on the finger ....

It's really showing its true colours now ......

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

Fella walks into the doctor's with a sausage up his nose, chips in both ears and beans in his hair.

Doctor says you're not eating properly.

 

[notrevE5]

Guy arrives home from work, just as he steps foot inside the door his scantily clad wife comes sliding down the banister of the stairs and then does a little flaunty dance at the doorway... She yells out " super [Poor language removed]"

Husband - " um, I'll have the soup"

 

[Milk]

A guy is in a bar on his own on Valentine's Day and orders 2 whiskies.
He drinks one then immediately pours the other over his hand.
The bartender looks at him strangely and asks, "What did you do that for?"
"Oh," replies the guy, "just getting my date drunk."

 

[tommytowne]

Bloke in a pub talking loudly and commented about New Zealand being full of ugly women and brilliant rugby players.
A big bruiser of a bloke overhears this and shouts "eh mate my wife's from New Zealand"
First guy looks to the fella behind him and says "what position does she play?"

 

[summerisle]

lol

 

[Kurt.]

Every woman at one time in their life will have some intelligent DNA in their body.


Sadly 95% of them spit it out

 

[scratchnsurf]

lol

I saw Milton Jones years back and it was about an hour and a half of one liners like this - money we'll spent.

 

[summerisle]

I saw Milton Jones years back and it was about an hour and a half of one liners like this - money we'll spent.

I like his voice too.

 

[Kurt.]

Two Mexicans have just crossed the border.
The first one goes to the other, "amigo! amigo! we be saved! its a bacon-tree!"
so he walked up to this bacon tree, but he got shot.
so the other said "amigo, i thought you said we be saved?"
to which the first replied "ah, I sorry amigo, I thought it was a bacon-tree, it be a hambush!"

 

[summerisle]