ijjysmith
Calm
Good morning all, alternative transfer news was temporarily suspended as a moderator appears to have 'accidentally' locked me out of my account for 7 days. As I'm sure we'll all agree this was a great injustice when you consider @CRIMHEAD @The Penny Blue @Mikey_Fitzgerald and many others are still allowed to roam the internet unchecked.
Anyhow, I digress. On with the update, and firstly lets deal with the outgoings;
Ademola Lookman finally looks to have scuttled off to Germany to complete a medical ahead of his move to some no marks that have a hugely inflated opinion of themselves despite only existing for 10 years. This could almost describe my forum career, but thankfully I don't have to deal with the shame of being German.
Bassala Sambou is another player that's left this week for a club that very few appear to have heard of. In fact I initially began this sentence with 'has also left for Germany' before realising Holland isn't in Germany. In a hilarious unveiling video we see Bassala being presented with various size shirts to try on, the majority of which are comically small. Thankfully he finds a shirt that fits before the deal falls through in the most embarrassing circumstances, it would have been up there with the time the Fer deal fell through after we were unable to get a letting agent to put the tenancy for a 2 bed semi in the name of his birds horse.
And now onto the incoming rumours;
The deal to bring Kurt Zouma back to Everton appears to be completely dead after both himself and Frank Lampard agreed that his future is at Chelsea. This is of course until 2 days before the window closes when they both realise the exact opposite is actually the case and have to backtrack and push for a deal, sadly we'll have already panicked and paid £32m for Gary Cahill despite being available for free.
Wout Weghorst comes out of nowhere as a suggestion in one article as to who Everton should sign to solve their Striker issues, never heard of him? Me neither. I have gone to the trouble of scouting him on your behalf and can report that he's essentially the white Lacina Traore, I've based this on the fact that I haven't actually scouted him at all but did see that he was 6ft 6'. I think we can file this with the long list of transfers that won't be happening.
In a confusing article whose headline says we would be a force to be reckoned with if we signed Blaise Matuidi they then go on to list the reasons that we should avoid signing him. I can only surmise that the journalist responsible is suffering some inner turmoil that manifests itself as some sort of transfer tourettes whereby he sabotages his own suggestions almost instantly. I contacted the journalist in question and asked for an interview, which he happily agreed to, before calling me back 30 seconds later to call me a prick and never to contact him again.
And we'll finish with news that we are battling with Wolves to sign Boubakary Soumare from Lille, the player is on his way for talks with both clubs but it's likely to take him a number of days to arrive as he has decided to fly over himself by flapping his arms rapidly (as pictured during take off below) after discovering the original flight plans were made by Willie McKay.
If you made it to the end of this update then your life is as empty as mine and we should all consider spending far less time on the internet and more time in therapy.
Made it to the end. Which probably says more about my job than anything else.
