Congratulations on getting your hands on a bottle of Fishdog River Brewing Co.’s Ultimate I.P.A.—twelve ounces of brain-melting hoptastic perfection.
We stopped at nothing to acquire the finest hops money could buy, then packed them into this beer in dangerous quantities. In fact, to make room for more hops, we removed most of the water, yeast, and barley from the recipe. That’s the secret to the Ultimate I.P.A.’s trademark viscosity. But we think you’ll find that having to chew your beer is a small price to pay for the boldest, most unrelenting hop profile on the market. Hop-heads rejoice!
Our Ultimate I.P.A. is so intense that we recommend you draft a living will before cracking this puppy open. If it’s your first time drinking our critically acclaimed brew, there’s a chance your heart may stop for a moment. But that’s a good thing! It means the hops are working. If you happen to see Jesus when you flatline, give that sissy wine-drinker the middle finger for us. Our religion is hops.
When we started developing the recipe for the Ultimate I.P.A., back in 2004, we had one goal: to concoct an ale so utterly undrinkable that the craft-beer community would have no option but to shower it with praise. Since then, we’ve accomplished that and so much more. Our baby has won as many awards as it has caused deaths from hop overdose. We’re proud to share that we’ve wiped out entire Portland suburbs with this tangy nectar.
Our innovative quantum-hopping technique squeezes more hoppy goodness into each and every bottle than traditional Euclidean geometry deems possible. The process is simple: first we snort a generous line of hop dust just to get up our nerve. Then we shoot a billion hops per second into the mash tun using a modified particle accelerator. This rips apart the space-time fabric just enough for us to shove a few extra hops into the cracks with a jackhammer. During the brewing process, it’s common for a rogue scientist to burst in and shout, “That’s too many hops! I need to warn the public!” before sprinting out the door. Lucky for us, no one ever believes him.
To say that we here at Fishdog River love hops is an understatement. If hops had skin, we’d like nothing more than to wear it, Buffalo Bill-style, around our beautiful three-thousand-square-foot, family-owned brewery. Good luck finding that kind of dedication to flavor among our soulless corporate competitors!
The flavor of this beer is aggressively hop-forward, daringly devoid of nuance, and unlike anything you’ve ever tasted before. And we use “taste” loosely because much of your tongue will dissolve after the first hoppy sip. Prepare to enjoy the Ultimate I.P.A.’s tear-inducing chemical aroma, barbed-wire mouth feel, and a finish that can only be described as torturous with a hint of devastating. Rival breweries may find it too risky to sell what technically amounts to poison, but we at Fishdog River believe in pushing the limits of the palate, knowing full well you’ll choke down whatever bitter monstrosity allows you to add another notch to your authenticity belt. Heck, we’re just as hop loco ourselves!
Oh yeah, we almost forgot: this beer will almost certainly make you go blind.
We salute you, intrepid beer drinker. Grab your trusty bottle opener and defibrillator, and let the Ultimate I.P.A. send you straight into the throes of hopgasm. And, remember, if you don’t like it, you’re wrong.
