Corporate babble, horsecrap values, and other idiocy.

[Chewbacca]

I used to hate the " team building " days out, you know the ones, where you go to some mad river by Snowdon and have to build rafts from scratch in the middle of January and navigate the river without falling in.

We once did one of these at a big old country house and the raft building exercise used the boating lake. I happened to know that this lake was only 3ft deep even at it deepest point so after half an hour of barely contributing to my teams raft, which promptly pitched 3 team members head first into the drink, I just waded across the lake (I’m 6’5”) and climbed out of the other side without a hair out of place.

I won an award for innovative thinking

 

[trueblue84]

Me and a mate have kept a running tally over the last couple of years of corporate cockshow lingo we both hear way too much at our respective jobs. Here's a sample -
Tangible benefits
Cross tenure approach
Champion the movement
Drive the change
It's inside/outside your wheelhouse
Focus session
The left hand isn't talking to the right hand
Trust the process

Wot! No:
Run it up the flagpole; &
It's not rocket science.

"Quick win" or "Low hanging fruit" (while doing a hand gesture that looks like you're cupping a ballbag).

 

[Jimishorts]

Companies who "put the customer at the heart of everything we do".

Hang on a minute, you've just (delete as appropriate) cut staff, wages, stores, services, quality or all of the above and increased your prices.

How is this putting the customer at the heart of anything.

 

[Joey66]

I got a memo for a Bèqeau meeting - I asked a manager what the level was it as it was in my time not works time - oh it means it's only a small meeting after 30 minutes of pure guff - I stood up & asked was I being paid overtime urm No
That case Im going home & ldft the room & 2 others followed me LOL

 

[Daveysgingerlovechild]

I got a memo for a Bèqeau meeting - I asked a manager what the level was it as it was in my time not works time - oh it means it's only a small meeting after 30 minutes of pure guff - I stood up & asked was I being paid overtime urm No
That case Im going home & ldft the room & 2 others folldd me LOL

You bad rebel JoBo

 

[Joey66]

You bad rebel JoBo

Yes typical tory not - never even in management- hated non productive meetings ..strong trade union values in my day !

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Morning.

I find myself increasingly distracted by my employers insistence on promoting shallow and see through values they supposedly adhere to.

They are one step away from referring to us as 'Comrades' in all staff emails.

Anyway, a space to vent, despair or share particularly ridiculous or egregious examples of this psuedo-marketing HR babble.

Over and out, a v grumpy DGLC.

They are in a disposable job.
Trying to justify their employment.

 

[Daveysgingerlovechild]

They are in a disposable job.
Trying to justify their employment.

Not gonna lie here, in my opinion 85% of jobs in advanced consumer capitalist countries are total horsecrap.

Including my own. Honestly, I'm just there to deal with stuff other folk are too thick and/or lazy to do or figure out.

I have a dim view of humanity, including my contribution to our world, most of our endeavour is pretty pointless really.

Probably why I spend so much time on here wasting server space. And in turn helping further destroy the planet by burning more energy/using water for cooling.

Sorry, I was just adhering to the corporate values of honesty and integrity in all that we do.

What? I'm doing it wrong? Bugger

 

[magicjuan]

I have this very day, shown preliminary interest in a 'Trust Employee Forum'. Told my boss I needed to be sure it had no consequential impacts on committed procedures.
I can beat them at their own game.

 

[LostLegend]

Beat them at their own game @Daveysgingerlovechild
Below is my blueprint for inventing your very own "psuedo-marketing babble" with which to impress the gullible and annoy the pompous.
Simply choose a 3 digit number at random, then take the corresponding word from each column. For example 8-3-9 would give you MEANINGFUL PUBLIC CONSULTATION.
Try to use your selected phrase at least twice in every meeting. Change your list monthly.

1)ROBUST 1)MANAGEMENT 1)CAPABILITY
2)SYSTEMATIZED 2)ORGANISATIONAL 2)MOBILITY
3)FUTURISTIC 3)PUBLIC 3)PATHWAYS
4)3rd GENERATION 4)FLEXIBLE 4)SCENARIOS
5)SYNCHRONISED 5)DIGITAL 5)PROJECTIONS
6)RESPONSIVE 6)INCREMENTAL 6)TIME-PHASES
7)PROGRESSIVE 7)LOGISTICAL 7)SCREENING
8)MEANINGFUL 8)COMPATIBLE 8)PLANNING
9)INTEGRATED 9)COHERENT 9)CONSULTATION

We had something similar back when I used to do office work.
Other lad had to get the round in on Friday if you managed to reference the CUSTOMER FOCUS TEAM or the ON-SITE TRAINING PATHWAY

I worked within the legal sector and the corporate lingo and red tape was off the scale.
We had a change in senior management once and they sent round a questionnaire to all the employees asking what the biggest obstacles were in your day-to-day role. The overwhelming response was red tape/duplicate paperwork/needless bureaucracy and the like.

So, to deal with this... and I kid you not! They set up a new team called the "Bureaucracy Reduction Team" who proceeded to bombard us all with questionnaires, letters and emails, asking us how we could reduce the amount of paperwork we had.

 

[Joey66]

We had something similar back when I used to do office work.
Other lad had to get the round in on Friday if you managed to reference the CUSTOMER FOCUS TEAM or the ON-SITE TRAINING PATHWAY

I worked within the legal sector and the corporate lingo and red tape was off the scale.
We had a change in senior management once and they sent round a questionnaire to all the employees asking what the biggest obstacles were in your day-to-day role. The overwhelming response was red tape/duplicate paperwork/needless bureaucracy and the like.

So, to deal with this... and I kid you not! They set up a new team called the "Bureaucracy Reduction Team" who proceeded to bombard us all with questionnaires, letters and emails, asking us how we could reduce the amount of paperwork we had.

Typical

 

[coollino]

Can someone tag me in when little sue says something outrageous absolutely out of nowhere in here please, ta

 

[Hinchcliffe's Corner]

Genuinely struggling to even read this thread and the replies without cringing. I hate it, it absolutely wrecks my brain. Team bonding can do one too.

 

[uglykidjoe1982]

How can the people that come up with this not see that everybody knows it’s all bollocks? Managers pretend to believe it but they too know it’s bollocks. Sod and your “family” and your pizza Fridays and pay me.

That’s the ultimate exercise of power: to talk bollocks to your face and dare you to point out it’s bollocks. They know you won’t because you’re a terrified little drone who needs to feed his kids.

 

[IrishBlue2022]

"Keep it at a high level"

Usually means management don't know the detail.