Hey lads. I've written and rewritten this a few times in my mind already and honestly I can't get it right so sorry if this post seems a bit off or scatterbrained. I've only joined here recently but have always been aware of this thread and that ye lads are helpful and understanding of things so I've always had the intention of coming on here and talking about some of my issues but I've never really disclosed anything like that in many ways especially not a public forum such as this.
Basically and as you might tell by my pic on here I'm just a 19 year old lad who really struggles with emotions, depression and anxiety, all the fun stuff. I've actually been dealing with these issues since about the start of my teens and honestly it's taken a toll.
Obviously there are a few different key things that contribute to these feelings and I know exactly what they are and why I'm being effected by them but honestly I'd prefer not to divulge them publicly.
This summer for me has been the hardest in years because honesty I have such an uncertainty in my life at the minute. I just finished school and I'm waiting to get my results back to see if I get into college and honestly I'm afraid that I didn't do well enough for it and I know for a fact my family are going to be so disappointed and angry about it. On top of that presuming I make it to college I'm living away from all my friends as we'd be going to different places and because I've never "mixed" all too well socially I'm scared of how it's all going to go and maybe that I might lose contact with my friends currently. It's just a massive fear for me, sort of a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation in my eyes.
Honestly the best thing going on in my life is actually Everton. Through everything I've been through really the club has been my "constant". I mean I was at my first game at Goodison just this past year for my birthday and even though we lost, to West Brom no less, it was the happiest I've been in honestly years. Obviously the club had a bad 2 years but it didn't matter to me, I knew no matter how crap my day was going that come the weekend there'll be a match on that will take my mind off it and might even lift my spirits a bit. It was just such a help and I think honestly as sad as it sounds that's another reason why my summer is seemingly worse because I don't have the football club to take my mind off of other things.
Sorry if this post was just rambling or anything like that I just felt like tonight I finally had to say something to someone (albeit I know this is just a forum) because I've not been feeling good at all. I'm sorry also if this isn't the place for something like this as well, I kinda took the thread to maybe mean that but if it's not posts like this that are supposed to be on here I'll remove it no problem.
Anyways that's me and all my glory blues sorry again for the long rambling post
So I've been thinking of this a lot recently and with it being almost 3 years since I wrote this I wanted to just give a of an update. This isn't for me to be self congratulatory or anything like that but as I'm not someone that'd be too open to give advice myself in this thread I'd like to think if I could help anyone, especially the younger lads on here who may have had a similar story or problem such as mine then it's the best thing I could do.
3 years ago was one of the worst times in my life. At only 19 I felt there was nothing left for me and that I had absolutely no future, how wrong could I have been? My fears did come true and I didn't do as well as I should've in my exams but as many on here pointed out, there are always other options and it won't be the end of the world.
I went off to do some different courses that I didn't click into and dropped out of. That all changed the very next year when I reapplied to college but for a completely different field and said I'd take the chance and try my hand at something different. It honestly changed my life.
Not only was I in a college course that suited me and interested me but like I said in my post I've always had issues with anxiety and socializing and all that. All those issues, gone. Everyone else was just like me. I had never been so surprised to see that maybe I wasn't so socially inept as I thought, maybe I was just around people who I just didn't have that many common interests as and it made things more difficult for me. It was honestly a life changing realisation for me and helped to dramatically improve my outlook on life. I went out more, did more social activities and most importantly I went into college every day not because I knew I had to but because I wanted to, something that all through school was completely alien to me.
In retrospect the path I took to get through college was absolutely the best way for me because it showed me why I needed to work hard and that not everyone's going to like you but that doesn't matter. I also began taking up more hobbies and interests and basically just opening myself up to the world around me. Had a few jobs and now one that I'm very good at, dealing with customers all day which would've been an absolute nightmare before but it's nothing to me now. Not everything's perfect of course but with all this as well as the help of the college's own counselling service any bad day can be helped with and they're a much rarer occurrence now.
Just for anyone who's read this and may have read my post from years ago the best advice I can give is, It's going to be alright. There are always people who'll care and always those who'll help you. Whether it's the brilliant lads on here who I can still see helping or a counselling service or some friends, there'll always be someone to talk to. And there's no shame in talking. Not one bit. Even if it's just a bit of an anonymous forum post, that's what kinda kick started my road to a better, happier life, who knows it might help you too. We all have one thing in common here and it's that we're all Blues, just knowing that there's someone to chat to even if it is just about Everton to get your mind off of things is a massive help honestly.
For any younger people who've seen this and have maybe just finished exams or are still doing them and are a bit worried, there's always a path to where you want to get to, even if it's not the most obvious one to you in that moment. I'm 22 now and I'm a completely different person to who I was 3 years ago and will likely change a lot in the next 3 years. Your struggles and worries right now are absolutely real and valid right now but just know from someone with experience and just as others on here told me years ago, things will get better. Believe in yourself, because everyone else will believe in you too!
Thanks again for all the help back in the day lads. Really meant a lot then and it still does now. And most importantly COYB!
So, this has been something I've been acutely aware for a few months now and I knew that it was coming up to over 7 years since I wrote this, which is basically the only written account I have of what I was like as a 19 year old with a litanny of issues and general lack of any joy in my life, which honestly lads is a bit mad to think how long ago it was. Genuinely has felt like a lifetime and I mean that in the absolute most positive way, simply because in that place and in that mindset the thought of me lasting a "lifetime" was absolutely not in my plans or not something I thought I'd ever achieve. As you'll be able to tell in my previous posts, things were quite bad and honestly worse than I even originally let on but in this point of my life there's absolutely no need to dwell on it.
The first time I addressed the "anniversary" for this I wanted to do it because I was proud, I knew I had a road ahead but I was on the right track. I now sit here as a 26 year old man, in my own apartment as a 1.1 college graduate Software Engineer who's looking forward to heading into work tomorrow for an unreal company that I've worked at for nearly 2 years now. I don't say that as a brag at all and I say this because I want every young lad who might've been around my age and perhaps going through their own issues or troubles to see a real world case, that's even documented on here, of someone being able to tell you "it absolutely gets better", I'm really hoping that at least one person on here can see this and at the very least take some semblence of hope from it, sometimes that's all you need.
I won't lie and say I don't have some bad days anymore because I do but it's a very rare occasion now and I know as a fully formed adult it's simply a mental configuration of my brain, it's not because I'm bad, messed up or anything like that, it's a totally normal thing and there's no reason to be ashamed of it, like I and many others were in the past. Do not be afraid to reach out to people or seek professional help because it may slowly change your life for the absolute better.
I go into work now every day and am able to do my job well, be a very valued and skilled member of a team and I'm actually known as an incredibly social and outgoing person there, something that my 22 year old self would've found hard to believe and something my 19 year old self would've outright said was impossible. Well it isn't. I said in the update that I'm a totally different person at 22 than I was at 19, well that goes again for me now at 26. Just know for however bad things are now currently, for whatever problems that you may be going through, there are always options and help available, please make use of them. At 19 I thought my life was basically over and frankly I couldn't wait, now I legitimately sometimes think of what my life will be like in retirement, I legitimately look forward to another 50 years, where before literally a week would've been a lot.
I keep repeating but it is important, please do seek out help if you are having difficulties, be it on here, to your friends and family or professionally. If there's anyone who think they were in my position or if they think I might be able to help then I'll happily try to answer anything you might ask either in a reply here or private message, again don't be afraid to reach out. As much as I want to tell you all that you'll live a perfect life, that would be a lie but it will absolutely always get better with help, no doubt in my mind, and sometimes better is good enough, you just have to keep getting better and you will.
I must say this forum was a fantastic resource for me through the years, I only have like 3 or 4 posts in this thread myself but it was genuinely an incredible help to just come back and look at these messages and all that to see the growth and difference in life, sometimes incremental growth can be very hard to see from your own perspective so even something like this for me was a huge help, and I must say the positive messages I had gotten on the posts was also great, honestly just looking back at the time and seeing people who were nothing but nice and helpful to me, even if I was a bit of a annoying poster on other forum posts ( I think I've gotten a bit better, at least I hope lol )
As much of a fan I am of the club, it genuinely does bring me immense joy to know that legitimately one of the only "bad" things in my life now is Everton. I cannot complain about much else, thankfully. Let's hope that one sorts it self out and it's not another 7 year journey for me.
All in all, for anyone who has stuck around to this part I just want to say thank you, whether you've helped me before, taken something from my posts or even just had a nice chat with me about the blues over the years, I cannot express with words how much I appreciate it. COYB!
)
