Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[COYBL25]

Don't know if i'm out of place in this thread as such but i've never really talked about this to anyone online, just maybe my now ex-girlfriend, so here I am.

Coming to a realisation that i've been a person that pretty much gets used almost 24/7 and my best traits aren't seen as such by my friends, or even ex-work mates, and are just abused. Genuinely over these past 2 years i'm thinking that they probably don't consider me as highly as I ever thought and whenever i've ever displayed or spoke about how unhappy I am in university/in general, it's thrown back in my face as though i'm being stupid or over-the-top. When genuinely on a day to day basis for as long as I can remember now, I feel down, very down. The only thing that excites me these days is literally Everton (not to sound cliche but it's true).

Been in an argument with one of my closest pals today only for him to say some relatively personal stuff, which I reciprocated - maybe I shouldn't have, but nevertheless it's only cemented my beliefs about them in the long term. I practically stayed for my second year in University because of them, despite wanting to leave desperately but being almost scared to let my parents, and them, down.

There are so many things I could go into in detail but it would take me forever and more to write, so I haven't. I know I'm not as bad off as other people at all, but for a long time i've felt particularly distant from myself and don't really know how to go about things anymore. :/

Following on from Durham, it sounds to me like you're also growing apart from them mate, which is a completely normal part of life. I,m guessing your in early twenties - Uni ?. Someone famous ( can't remember who ) once said that if you have five good friends by the time you're middle aged you've doing well. So hang on in there and complete your course, you'll find that when you start working or take a year out after uni you'll make loads of new mates. Its a normal part of life to make and lose friends as we go along mate. If you're ever in the crap that's when you'll find out who you're true mates are.

 

[Abraders]

As cliched as it sounds, you need to start surrounding yourself with people who do make you feel loved and happy. If there are people in your life who you have identified as using you, that is a hugely important step for you and you have already begun putting steps into place for repairing your self-esteem. It is obvious to me that in doing this, you have started a concerted effort to rid the negative elements from your life and allow yourself time to grow, away from that overpowering influence.

If you had, as of yet, been unable to see these people for what they were, that would have been more concerning. Now you've just got to keep going without these people and really focus on those influences in your life that build you up. Engage in hobbies, make time to see people who make you feel good about yourself. But be careful not to always pursue positive experiences - you need to know that you have the resilience to overcome barriers and stand up for yourself from time to time.

You'll become a stronger individual for it in the end.

Good luck.

Thanks for the replies guys. I've recently been trying to better my self esteem, which has definitely hit an all time low over the past couple of years. I've been working out with one of my pals from back home though who came to stay with us for a while, and he's been teaching me different exercise techniques and how to lift weights properly etc (i'm really skinny/weak) which I'm looking to try and turn into habit. Other than that I just play computer games or the xbox, and I don't honestly see that as a source of enjoyment as such anymore, just something I do.

A problem is though some of my more dependable friends have travelled to India on an adventure indefinitely, and it will be a good while before I can see them again. A handful of those still around me are all supposed to be my better friends, but recently I just don't get that feeling at all times and the feeling instead is quite sickening. It's kinda funny because my ex-girlfriend towards the end 'began to see through them' if that makes sense, and though she is still in touch with them occasionally she doesn't perceive them as the same people. I know i'm a worrier and even talking about it here is actually quite helpful to me, I have other friends I can go and see to do things with but they are also surrounded by their own lives and jobs/uni work etc and as it's coming to the end of the year a lot just make the excuse of being busy :/.

 

[COYBL25]

Thanks for the replies guys. I've recently been trying to better my self esteem, which has definitely hit an all time low over the past couple of years. I've been working out with one of my pals from back home though who came to stay with us for a while, and he's been teaching me different exercise techniques and how to lift weights properly etc (i'm really skinny/weak) which I'm looking to try and turn into habit. Other than that I just play computer games or the xbox, and I don't honestly see that as a source of enjoyment as such anymore, just something I do.

A problem is though some of my more dependable friends have travelled to India on an adventure indefinitely, and it will be a good while before I can see them again. A handful of those still around me are all supposed to be my better friends, but recently I just don't get that feeling at all times and the feeling instead is quite sickening. It's kinda funny because my ex-girlfriend towards the end 'began to see through them' if that makes sense, and though she is still in touch with them occasionally she doesn't perceive them as the same people. I know i'm a worrier and even talking about it here is actually quite helpful to me, I have other friends I can go and see to do things with but they are also surrounded by their own lives and jobs/uni work etc and as it's coming to the end of the year a lot just make the excuse of being busy :/.

From what you've posted mate most of these people don't sound like they've ever really been your friends, so I wouldn't take it personally. We all evolve as people and it sounds to me as your going one way and they're going the other. It'll soon be time for Summer hols, so use the break to get your head together, maybe hook up with old mates from home and just forget about them .

 

[COYBL25]

Just had a kick around and gone right down hill. Feeling like I'm completely inferior to everyone/ everything right now. My psychiatrist has mentioned sometimes exercise can put your body in panic attack mode (ie. raised heartbeat/ shaking/ sweating) making your mind think it. Suddenly all of my dreams have come back to me with everyone disappearing. It feels like the world is doing things against me and I feel completely isolated. I don't want to talk about it because I don't know, but just need to put it in writing. I don't match up physically/ sexually/ monetarily/ humorously and in this state don't feel I can match anyone mentally. I'm destined to keep going around in this cycle alone. I know there are plenty around me but they just feel like people getting in my way and can't offer what I need. I don't know what I need though.

How's it going mate ?

 

[EvertonRhys]

Mate, feelings of inferiority can be very prevalent in men, more especially - it would seem - in this modern age. You undoubtedly have feelings of persecution, casting others as actively seeking to ruin you. Uncomfortable as it might be for you to confront it, there may be a tendency for you to believe that people would do anything to make you feel lesser than them and, again, this perpetuates your desire to remove yourself from social situations. Try not to refuse to listen to anything positive about yourself. You are probably doing that because it is inconsistent with your emotional state and feelings - how can anyone possibly see any good in me!?

Without putting words into your mouth, you probably believe that you are not as interesting or intelligent as others, and consequently consider other people have the same feeling about you...

You should try to develop techniques that will better help you internalise and process these instances when people try to flatter you or give you a pat on the back for the achievements or attributes you display.

At the moment, your base emotional state is like teflon - anything positive seems to slide off...but criticism, or perceived criticism sticks and that is getting to be a heavy load now.

I hope I haven't condascended you, mate. Hope I can help in any way.

How's it going mate ?

Hi both. I've had a couple of days away from here, and just been focussing on calming myself down. I did have quite a bit to drink last night with a friend who's going through similar stuff to me. Didn't make me feel bad though and I don't make a habit of drinking when I'm down. Anyway, I'm feeling a little steadier today- not great by any stretch but certainly better than the other night when I almost felt a bit more manic than I have done in previous episodes. It took lots of positivity being thrown my way by a mate to get me through. I hate relying on that, and have to agree with you @Durham Toffee with what you say.

Positivity throughout my life has never stuck with me. I get incredibly nervous when people do praise me and I think it's a mixture of my paranoia issues along over-modest nature and inability to believe in my worth. It's something I spent a lot of time focussing on through CBT, but it just hasn't worked long time.

You weren't condescending at all and to be honest- you got it virtually spot on. Without meaning to sound big headed at all- I know I'm intelligent and that doesn't seem to be an issue. But what is, is that I feel my intelligence traps me away and prevents me from looking at things simply? If you know what I mean? That does sound incredibly big headed doesn't it? What I mean is that I'm a massive underachiever. I could have gone off and made something of myself, but I've always rejected offers of jobs/ chances to do something with my skills. As it is now, I'm retraining. I'm in my late 20s now and still at home (can't afford to move out) while the vast majority of my friends seem to be flying up in the world (kids, marriage, well paid jobs...) They care about money and how well they're doing- while I don't really relate to that and just want some happiness.

In all of my confusion I came out as gay when I was in university the first time, and that was okay. I then realised in myself that I was actually bisexual. I still had feelings for women- equally as much as I had for men. Anyway, my friends can't understand it and make jokes (banter- even though I hate that word) about greediness etc. I guess they don't believe me. In between all of that, my last sexual encounter came when I got laughed out of bed pretty much. For my size. I'm not the most well endowed man and as a result just have no confidence in my body, my sexuality, or anything.

We tried to get over those fears in CBT but it didn't click. I'm starting psychosexual therapy and hopefully that will work. I just think it's the build up of all of that, which makes me avoid relationships for fear of getting hurt again, even though what I want more than anything in the world is a family. Added to that my mistrust can sometimes build to the level where I feel that alone, and unable to relate to people, that I either shut myself away, or think the worst about ending it all.

Sorry for the incredibly long post- wasn't expecting that at all!

 

[EvertonRhys]

Don't know if i'm out of place in this thread as such but i've never really talked about this to anyone online, just maybe my now ex-girlfriend, so here I am.

Coming to a realisation that i've been a person that pretty much gets used almost 24/7 and my best traits aren't seen as such by my friends, or even ex-work mates, and are just abused. Genuinely over these past 2 years i'm thinking that they probably don't consider me as highly as I ever thought and whenever i've ever displayed or spoke about how unhappy I am in university/in general, it's thrown back in my face as though i'm being stupid or over-the-top. When genuinely on a day to day basis for as long as I can remember now, I feel down, very down. The only thing that excites me these days is literally Everton (not to sound cliche but it's true).

Been in an argument with one of my closest pals today only for him to say some relatively personal stuff, which I reciprocated - maybe I shouldn't have, but nevertheless it's only cemented my beliefs about them in the long term. I practically stayed for my second year in University because of them, despite wanting to leave desperately but being almost scared to let my parents, and them, down.

There are so many things I could go into in detail but it would take me forever and more to write, so I haven't. I know I'm not as bad off as other people at all, but for a long time i've felt particularly distant from myself and don't really know how to go about things anymore. :/

You sound like you're in quite a similar place to me mate. 20s- not a nice age to be at. Friends do get more distant as people change themselves and discover who they are. It's often a case that the change isn't what you like. I don't want to read too much into your situation at all- but don't blame yourself for your reactions, or the behaviour of others. What they do, and how they respond to your actions, is their issue. Not theirs. You will meet more friends- and you'll keep the ones that are of true value to you. More than anything I'll echo what the other guys have said- keep posting on here. Believe me, at the very worst of times it can make the world of difference. Take it easy and keep in touch!

 

[moyeslovechild]

not directly related to depression, always like to pop in nonetheless because this thread is still a comfort zone to me

One thing that has frustrated me for years is my complete inability to focus. Makes uni work really difficult. i know procrastination is super common but i can't pay attention in lectures and it's an arduous task to sit myself down and read the course material (i do literature, so it's actually good stuff too). even books and films that i want to read and watch i find difficult to just sit still and engage

As well as the aforementioned problems, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me! i would also add that i can't help but link it to technology as i just always need to be communicating or flicking between different things. A digital detox is probably what i need but i always feel the need to distract myself so haven't even tried because 1) it sounds like torture and 2) i'd fail!

Just reading that back, i do realise that those can be symptoms of depression but i wouldn't say i suffer from it and am reluctant to even consider that a possibility, don't really have any negative thoughts per se, although i am a rather anxious person.

any thoughts? Good to vent either way, so cheers for being here thread.

 

[COYBL25]

Hi both. I've had a couple of days away from here, and just been focussing on calming myself down. I did have quite a bit to drink last night with a friend who's going through similar stuff to me. Didn't make me feel bad though and I don't make a habit of drinking when I'm down. Anyway, I'm feeling a little steadier today- not great by any stretch but certainly better than the other night when I almost felt a bit more manic than I have done in previous episodes. It took lots of positivity being thrown my way by a mate to get me through. I hate relying on that, and have to agree with you @Durham Toffee with what you say.

Positivity throughout my life has never stuck with me. I get incredibly nervous when people do praise me and I think it's a mixture of my paranoia issues along over-modest nature and inability to believe in my worth. It's something I spent a lot of time focussing on through CBT, but it just hasn't worked long time.

You weren't condescending at all and to be honest- you got it virtually spot on. Without meaning to sound big headed at all- I know I'm intelligent and that doesn't seem to be an issue. But what is, is that I feel my intelligence traps me away and prevents me from looking at things simply? If you know what I mean? That does sound incredibly big headed doesn't it? What I mean is that I'm a massive underachiever. I could have gone off and made something of myself, but I've always rejected offers of jobs/ chances to do something with my skills. As it is now, I'm retraining. I'm in my late 20s now and still at home (can't afford to move out) while the vast majority of my friends seem to be flying up in the world (kids, marriage, well paid jobs...) They care about money and how well they're doing- while I don't really relate to that and just want some happiness.

In all of my confusion I came out as gay when I was in university the first time, and that was okay. I then realised in myself that I was actually bisexual. I still had feelings for women- equally as much as I had for men. Anyway, my friends can't understand it and make jokes (banter- even though I hate that word) about greediness etc. I guess they don't believe me. In between all of that, my last sexual encounter came when I got laughed out of bed pretty much. For my size. I'm not the most well endowed man and as a result just have no confidence in my body, my sexuality, or anything.

We tried to get over those fears in CBT but it didn't click. I'm starting psychosexual therapy and hopefully that will work. I just think it's the build up of all of that, which makes me avoid relationships for fear of getting hurt again, even though what I want more than anything in the world is a family. Added to that my mistrust can sometimes build to the level where I feel that alone, and unable to relate to people, that I either shut myself away, or think the worst about ending it all.

Sorry for the incredibly long post- wasn't expecting that at all!

You're honesty and courage to post this mate is quite frankly amazing and I for one applaud you. I know I've mentioned this to you before but have you had a good look at the Mental a Health Forum ?. There's deffo a running thread on there that relates to mental health and sexual orientation. It may be worthwhile having a look at that ?.

With regards to your problems in the bedroom, these problems affect many many men straight, gay and bi. Something to work on in therapy maybe ?. I know is doesn't seem like it now, but relationships are in a way trial and error. Some are good , many end up going wrong, some don't even get off the ground. Just because people around you appear to be getting on with relationships, jobs etc doesn't mean you're a failure, although it may seem like that way. It's just that these things are happening for them now, they'll happen for you too given time. Some of the most successful people I have known have eventually become the most messed up, due to work, partying too hard, affairs etc. It's non of my business, but do you socialise witin the gay / bi community ?. If you're only knocking round with straight people this is just going to make you feel like an outsider .

 

[COYBL25]

not directly related to depression, always like to pop in nonetheless because this thread is still a comfort zone to me

One thing that has frustrated me for years is my complete inability to focus. Makes uni work really difficult. i know procrastination is super common but i can't pay attention in lectures and it's an arduous task to sit myself down and read the course material (i do literature, so it's actually good stuff too). even books and films that i want to read and watch i find difficult to just sit still and engage

As well as the aforementioned problems, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me! i would also add that i can't help but link it to technology as i just always need to be communicating or flicking between different things. A digital detox is probably what i need but i always feel the need to distract myself so haven't even tried because 1) it sounds like torture and 2) i'd fail!

Just reading that back, i do realise that those can be symptoms of depression but i wouldn't say i suffer from it and am reluctant to even consider that a possibility, don't really have any negative thoughts per se, although i am a rather anxious person.

any thoughts? Good to vent either way, so cheers for being here thread.

Great post mate, very articulate . From what you have said it sounds like you have problems with anxiety rather than depression.
Although the two can go hand in hand . My first port of call would be my GP and discuss talking therapy / CBT. This will help with understanding why / the reasons for the feelings you have and also teach you coping mechanisms .

 

[Abraders]

not directly related to depression, always like to pop in nonetheless because this thread is still a comfort zone to me

One thing that has frustrated me for years is my complete inability to focus. Makes uni work really difficult. i know procrastination is super common but i can't pay attention in lectures and it's an arduous task to sit myself down and read the course material (i do literature, so it's actually good stuff too). even books and films that i want to read and watch i find difficult to just sit still and engage

As well as the aforementioned problems, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me! i would also add that i can't help but link it to technology as i just always need to be communicating or flicking between different things. A digital detox is probably what i need but i always feel the need to distract myself so haven't even tried because 1) it sounds like torture and 2) i'd fail!

Just reading that back, i do realise that those can be symptoms of depression but i wouldn't say i suffer from it and am reluctant to even consider that a possibility, don't really have any negative thoughts per se, although i am a rather anxious person.

any thoughts? Good to vent either way, so cheers for being here thread.

I'm quite similar there mate, i suffer with quite a bit of anxiety and it's torture at times. Procrastinating is something I'm really bad for, i've done it all day even... just ghosting on GoT and playing games/watching netflix. Forcing myself to get up early tomorrow and smash some work out while everyone else will be in bed so that I might be able to focus more and not worry about much else. I can't really detox from the digital world right now because my work requires me to digitally draw...

I've heard meditation is good, or hypnosis - it might help you concentrate maybe. I've tried it before and it certainly puts your mind-frame in a better way but I often find it difficult, especially at Uni, to find any peace and quiet to properly indulge myself into things like that regularly.

 

[Abraders]

Oh, and on the back of yesterday, speaking to you guys and the replies have really warmed to me and i've genuinely taken comfort from all of you. Today was somewhat better, I exercised again and even ate properly which is becoming more natural for me and something i've partially struggled with over the past couple years too. It was made easier though with the person I argued with having gone to London for 2 days so I haven't had to deal with him.

I've come to terms that maybe my friends have changed a fair bit, myself included, and perhaps I am (as suggested) growing apart from some of them. I can't wait until this Uni year is over and I can go back home, I will certainly be putting myself first for once in order to spend more time with those who genuinely make me happy, my family and best friend Olivia. She's probably the closest friend at the moment I can think of that genuinely cares for my wellbeing and 'gets me'.

 

[BiggyRat]

Don't know if i'm out of place in this thread as such but i've never really talked about this to anyone online, just maybe my now ex-girlfriend, so here I am.

Coming to a realisation that i've been a person that pretty much gets used almost 24/7 and my best traits aren't seen as such by my friends, or even ex-work mates, and are just abused. Genuinely over these past 2 years i'm thinking that they probably don't consider me as highly as I ever thought and whenever i've ever displayed or spoke about how unhappy I am in university/in general, it's thrown back in my face as though i'm being stupid or over-the-top. When genuinely on a day to day basis for as long as I can remember now, I feel down, very down. The only thing that excites me these days is literally Everton (not to sound cliche but it's true).

Been in an argument with one of my closest pals today only for him to say some relatively personal stuff, which I reciprocated - maybe I shouldn't have, but nevertheless it's only cemented my beliefs about them in the long term. I practically stayed for my second year in University because of them, despite wanting to leave desperately but being almost scared to let my parents, and them, down.

There are so many things I could go into in detail but it would take me forever and more to write, so I haven't. I know I'm not as bad off as other people at all, but for a long time i've felt particularly distant from myself and don't really know how to go about things anymore. :/

You know, I can relate to a fair bit of that Abraders.

My 'mates' from school were all a bunch of drop kicks (local term) and as they were the only mates I had, I stuck by them. I'm not much on the drinking but every time we'd go out, it was just for them to get pi$$ed & I'd be left standing there, the only sober one amongst them, and I could see them for all they were worth.

Later, I tried an experiment. I used to keep in touch with them all, we were all playing for the same Cricket team, and would occasionally go & watch the footy together but my experiment was to stop calling them. I bet you can guess what happened next? Nobody called. I realised it was a one way street & I was hanging out with people that didn't give a fat rats clacker about me. So, I dropped them.

Now, I see collegues and my newer friends who have a lifelong friendship with their old school mates, and I often feel sad that I don't have that but, I would rather have a small, limited circle of close friends that I've developed since, than expose my family to the other ones.

I guess I'm trying to say that you don't need their validation or respect. You did need them to shape the person you are today but you can move on now. You will make new friendships and acquaintences, but you now have the life experience to know who the 'drop kicks' of the world are, and who are the quality people that it's worth investing your time into becoming good friends with.

 

[Durham Toffee]

Into work today for the first time since...

Going to be a tough one.

 

[COYBL25]

Into work today for the first time since...

Going to be a tough one.

It'll be a weird one to start with mate. I wish you all the best and don't try and do too much, get your head settled back in first.

 

[kithnou]

It'll be a weird one to start with mate. I wish you all the best and don't try and do too much, get your head settled back in first.

Am in thinking it may be beneficial long term to keep preoccupied.
One day at a time she goes...