Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[MrD]

TL;DR - over protective dad has no say in anything, feels worthless, i take it so personal, treated like a babysitter, wondering if over protective is really over sensitive = stress and hopelessness and concern

Hello everyone, this is just a daft thing probably but it affects me more than it probably should,
My little girl is an amazingly loving, caring, funny, kind and very clever girl but she has a habbit of being easily distracted in school. Today was another parent/teacher meeting to discus how she's doing, as expected the topic of her being distracted arose.

Teachers now a days won't mention or even hint at how other kids are but i feel like when he mentioned my daughter being distracted it just gives me the impression (or maybe i'm just over thinking it) that the other 30 kids in class are sitting quietly and being well behaved and working hard but my daughter is like some sort of screaming banshee wreaking havoc on all the good kids.

Now i know at 8 years old that most of the class will be distracted and often misbehave, but how i take hearing it and how it's aimed (or seemingly aimed) at my 8 year old it just makes me feel like she is broken and i've F'd her up. i feel defensive, protective but also very sad that she just won't learn not to mess about in school. When we talk to her about it she gets upset because she doesn't like realising she's been "naughty" and she agrees to try to do better, but then as soon as she goes to school she starts focusing more on what others are doing.

Anyway, today the teacher suggested she should wear ear defenders in class just to stop her listening to what everyone else is doing, i kinda just said out of politeness "yeah we could do, don't know really" even though i knew right away i didn't want her to be singled out and give other kids an excuse to pick on her.

All evening i've been worrying that i should have just said no to him, i don't want him or anyone treating her like she's a nuisance and having her singled out. so i got stressed over her, i'm protective, worried and i just don't know how i'm supposed to react.

i spoke to her mum about it and she agreed not to allow the ear defenders but then she never shuts up about how my feelings about our daughter are just projections and that my awful childhood and the memories i have of being treated like a freak even though i did nothing wrong are not valid.

So, my usual thing is i panic, get anxious and all the rest of it, but i'll be awake all night. i'll be tired and sad and i worry for my daughter as though she's being singled out.

sorry for the long yet hopefully coherent post, i wish i said no to the bloody ear defenders, wish i didn't have to be treated like a baby sitter by my ex and i just want my kid to grow up not feeling like she's broken when she really isn't. in my head she's just an 8 year old being an 8 year old. But it seems now a days that if your 8 year old isn't already in uni or curing an illness then they're a failure....i'm so so so proud of her and i love her so much, but my over protective side and how little my opinion matters really gets to me.

When my ex wants extra shifts in work, i'm great, super convenient, when she needs a lift or something fixing then i'm super handy but how i feel is completely disregarded, for the past 8 years i've felt like a babysitter and it's getting worse.

I can't say anything to the ex because she's one of those women who starts saying i won't get to see my kid if she doesn't like what i say. Sorry lads, stupid post that's not really about anything life or death, i just want my kid to not be labelled yet people seem to want to label any kid who isn't perfect.

When she's with me she's great, when she's with her mum she is a bit more hard work, so of course, that means she has ADHD, and a raft of other things just because she cried after she fell over or something.

When i tell my ex our kid doesn't do anything like that with me, she's so well behaved and awesome to be around she just throws it away like i'm either lying, or i'm the problem. i've got a lot on my plate right now, and everything makes me feel like a failure, feeling like, and being treated like a failure of a dad really upsets me tho....and i want my normal and average 8 year old not to painted with the mad brush.

also, just for no reason other than it broke me earlier this evening, my daughter wrote me the most beautiful letter saying i'm the best dad in the world and that we will always have each other. made me cry.

please tell me to stop being silly if this post seems so ridiculous. i've got no backbone and i probably just need to toughen up

 

[COYBL25]

TL;DR - over protective dad has no say in anything, feels worthless, i take it so personal, treated like a babysitter, wondering if over protective is really over sensitive = stress and hopelessness and concern

Hello everyone, this is just a daft thing probably but it affects me more than it probably should,
My little girl is an amazingly loving, caring, funny, kind and very clever girl but she has a habbit of being easily distracted in school. Today was another parent/teacher meeting to discus how she's doing, as expected the topic of her being distracted arose.

Teachers now a days won't mention or even hint at how other kids are but i feel like when he mentioned my daughter being distracted it just gives me the impression (or maybe i'm just over thinking it) that the other 30 kids in class are sitting quietly and being well behaved and working hard but my daughter is like some sort of screaming banshee wreaking havoc on all the good kids.

Now i know at 8 years old that most of the class will be distracted and often misbehave, but how i take hearing it and how it's aimed (or seemingly aimed) at my 8 year old it just makes me feel like she is broken and i've F'd her up. i feel defensive, protective but also very sad that she just won't learn not to mess about in school. When we talk to her about it she gets upset because she doesn't like realising she's been "naughty" and she agrees to try to do better, but then as soon as she goes to school she starts focusing more on what others are doing.

Anyway, today the teacher suggested she should wear ear defenders in class just to stop her listening to what everyone else is doing, i kinda just said out of politeness "yeah we could do, don't know really" even though i knew right away i didn't want her to be singled out and give other kids an excuse to pick on her.

All evening i've been worrying that i should have just said no to him, i don't want him or anyone treating her like she's a nuisance and having her singled out. so i got stressed over her, i'm protective, worried and i just don't know how i'm supposed to react.

i spoke to her mum about it and she agreed not to allow the ear defenders but then she never shuts up about how my feelings about our daughter are just projections and that my awful childhood and the memories i have of being treated like a freak even though i did nothing wrong are not valid.

So, my usual thing is i panic, get anxious and all the rest of it, but i'll be awake all night. i'll be tired and sad and i worry for my daughter as though she's being singled out.

sorry for the long yet hopefully coherent post, i wish i said no to the bloody ear defenders, wish i didn't have to be treated like a baby sitter by my ex and i just want my kid to grow up not feeling like she's broken when she really isn't. in my head she's just an 8 year old being an 8 year old. But it seems now a days that if your 8 year old isn't already in uni or curing an illness then they're a failure....i'm so so so proud of her and i love her so much, but my over protective side and how little my opinion matters really gets to me.

When my ex wants extra shifts in work, i'm great, super convenient, when she needs a lift or something fixing then i'm super handy but how i feel is completely disregarded, for the past 8 years i've felt like a babysitter and it's getting worse.

I can't say anything to the ex because she's one of those women who starts saying i won't get to see my kid if she doesn't like what i say. Sorry lads, stupid post that's not really about anything life or death, i just want my kid to not be labelled yet people seem to want to label any kid who isn't perfect.

When she's with me she's great, when she's with her mum she is a bit more hard work, so of course, that means she has ADHD, and a raft of other things just because she cried after she fell over or something.

When i tell my ex our kid doesn't do anything like that with me, she's so well behaved and awesome to be around she just throws it away like i'm either lying, or i'm the problem. i've got a lot on my plate right now, and everything makes me feel like a failure, feeling like, and being treated like a failure of a dad really upsets me tho....and i want my normal and average 8 year old not to painted with the mad brush.

also, just for no reason other than it broke me earlier this evening, my daughter wrote me the most beautiful letter saying i'm the best dad in the world and that we will always have each other. made me cry.

please tell me to stop being silly if this post seems so ridiculous. i've got no backbone and i probably just need to toughen up

Hello mate.

From my own experiences of my two lads schooling, one of whom who has additional needs, ear defenders are quite common in primary / junior schools nowadays and your daughter won’t be singled out or bullied because of wearing them, as the other kids won’t even give them a second thought.

The fact that the school has suggested wearing them, suggests that they may suspect that your daughter may have ADHD, have you spoken with them about this ?

You talk about being painted with “ the mad brush “, I’m the father of a boy with special needs and when he first went to his mainstream primary school, including him, there was two kids in the whole school who had special needs, by the time he left junior school, there was a least one child in every class - mainly ADHD and autism.

They were as much a part of the school as the other kids and there was no bullying, quite the opposite.

My advise to you, as a dad who’s been through similar, is to arrange to speak to the school and maybe see about getting your daughter tested for ADHD and autism.

I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but if it turns out she does have a condition, it means things can be put in place to manage it.

My eldest son has a mate who has ADHD and we have a family friend who’s daughter has it.

They both take meds to control it - he’s a semi pro footballer and she’s just gone to Uni.

The quicker you act, the better mate.

Also, you and your ex missus need to put aside your differences and act together on this for the good of your daughter.

It really isn’t the end of the world mate

 

[Lobworm]

TL;DR - over protective dad has no say in anything, feels worthless, i take it so personal, treated like a babysitter, wondering if over protective is really over sensitive = stress and hopelessness and concern

Hello everyone, this is just a daft thing probably but it affects me more than it probably should,
My little girl is an amazingly loving, caring, funny, kind and very clever girl but she has a habbit of being easily distracted in school. Today was another parent/teacher meeting to discus how she's doing, as expected the topic of her being distracted arose.

Teachers now a days won't mention or even hint at how other kids are but i feel like when he mentioned my daughter being distracted it just gives me the impression (or maybe i'm just over thinking it) that the other 30 kids in class are sitting quietly and being well behaved and working hard but my daughter is like some sort of screaming banshee wreaking havoc on all the good kids.

Now i know at 8 years old that most of the class will be distracted and often misbehave, but how i take hearing it and how it's aimed (or seemingly aimed) at my 8 year old it just makes me feel like she is broken and i've F'd her up. i feel defensive, protective but also very sad that she just won't learn not to mess about in school. When we talk to her about it she gets upset because she doesn't like realising she's been "naughty" and she agrees to try to do better, but then as soon as she goes to school she starts focusing more on what others are doing.

Anyway, today the teacher suggested she should wear ear defenders in class just to stop her listening to what everyone else is doing, i kinda just said out of politeness "yeah we could do, don't know really" even though i knew right away i didn't want her to be singled out and give other kids an excuse to pick on her.

All evening i've been worrying that i should have just said no to him, i don't want him or anyone treating her like she's a nuisance and having her singled out. so i got stressed over her, i'm protective, worried and i just don't know how i'm supposed to react.

i spoke to her mum about it and she agreed not to allow the ear defenders but then she never shuts up about how my feelings about our daughter are just projections and that my awful childhood and the memories i have of being treated like a freak even though i did nothing wrong are not valid.

So, my usual thing is i panic, get anxious and all the rest of it, but i'll be awake all night. i'll be tired and sad and i worry for my daughter as though she's being singled out.

sorry for the long yet hopefully coherent post, i wish i said no to the bloody ear defenders, wish i didn't have to be treated like a baby sitter by my ex and i just want my kid to grow up not feeling like she's broken when she really isn't. in my head she's just an 8 year old being an 8 year old. But it seems now a days that if your 8 year old isn't already in uni or curing an illness then they're a failure....i'm so so so proud of her and i love her so much, but my over protective side and how little my opinion matters really gets to me.

When my ex wants extra shifts in work, i'm great, super convenient, when she needs a lift or something fixing then i'm super handy but how i feel is completely disregarded, for the past 8 years i've felt like a babysitter and it's getting worse.

I can't say anything to the ex because she's one of those women who starts saying i won't get to see my kid if she doesn't like what i say. Sorry lads, stupid post that's not really about anything life or death, i just want my kid to not be labelled yet people seem to want to label any kid who isn't perfect.

When she's with me she's great, when she's with her mum she is a bit more hard work, so of course, that means she has ADHD, and a raft of other things just because she cried after she fell over or something.

When i tell my ex our kid doesn't do anything like that with me, she's so well behaved and awesome to be around she just throws it away like i'm either lying, or i'm the problem. i've got a lot on my plate right now, and everything makes me feel like a failure, feeling like, and being treated like a failure of a dad really upsets me tho....and i want my normal and average 8 year old not to painted with the mad brush.

also, just for no reason other than it broke me earlier this evening, my daughter wrote me the most beautiful letter saying i'm the best dad in the world and that we will always have each other. made me cry.

please tell me to stop being silly if this post seems so ridiculous. i've got no backbone and i probably just need to toughen up

1. You haven't effed her up, she's a little kid responding to various stimuli around her. I can assure you 50% of the parents will be having the same conversations with their kids' teachers. If not now, then in 2, 3 4, 8 years or whenever.
2. She maybe a 'distractor' to others, or she maybe 'distracted' ... neither are a criticism, just a reflection of how the teacher sees things on a day to day basis. It will definitely be worthwhile opening up a dialogue with the school, getting to the nub, and ascertaining exactly what the behaviour/s is/are that they are referring to. For example, ask the teacher exactly what your daughter does in class. Ask for examples. Not to challenge the teacher (or child) but to enable you to understand the issue and how it affects her and others. You will then be able to do your bit. 'Try not to do X' or 'Try not to respond in this way to Y, instead do this...' etc etc. Listen to the advice from school on how to help.
3. Let the school know how it affects your mental health, that you feel anxious, sleepless etc. They will help, maybe changing the way, or how often, they communicate, for example. They should take this into account.
4. The bit about her being 8 and not being in uni, or curing an illness equating to being a failure etc etc... with respect mate, you're being a bit over senstive, and you're over thinking it. Trust me, she is perfectly normal, the school will think the world of her. That she has the ability to communicate with you at that age is also massive, imo.
5. If she does have a condition, it's not labelling her, it's letting other people know, so they can teach her, communicate with, and treat her in the most appropriate way.
6. Wrt the ex, this is going to sound harsh, but you don't have to include her in everything, or ask for her approval. Just make sure you do the right thing for your daughter, and share what you feel is relevant. The focus has to be on the child, not the ex, imo.
7. Be proactive with the school, open a dialogue and communicate regularly, even when things settle, which they will. Also, ask what you can do, let them know how things are going. Schools love supportive parents like you who take a genuine interest.

Hope that all comes across as intended. Not sure it matters, but I worked in the sector with kids (and parents) from all walks of life, for nigh on 3 decades. What you are describing is fairly standard on a day to day basis for the school. It's obviously massive to you, as it was for me and my kids, but things will definitely improve, and they are never as bad as we think they will be. Keep us all posted mate,

 

[alwaysblue]

1. You haven't effed her up, she's a little kid responding to various stimuli around her. I can assure you 50% of the parents will be having the same conversations with their kids' teachers. If not now, then in 2, 3 4, 8 years or whenever.
2. She maybe a 'distractor' to others, or she maybe 'distracted' ... neither are a criticism, just a reflection of how the teacher sees things on a day to day basis. It will definitely be worthwhile opening up a dialogue with the school, getting to the nub, and ascertaining exactly what the behaviour/s is/are that they are referring to. For example, ask the teacher exactly what your daughter does in class. Ask for examples. Not to challenge the teacher (or child) but to enable you to understand the issue and how it affects her and others. You will then be able to do your bit. 'Try not to do X' or 'Try not to respond in this way to Y, instead do this...' etc etc. Listen to the advice from school on how to help.
3. Let the school know how it affects your mental health, that you feel anxious, sleepless etc. They will help, maybe changing the way, or how often, they communicate, for example. They should take this into account.
4. The bit about her being 8 and not being in uni, or curing an illness equating to being a failure etc etc... with respect mate, you're being a bit over senstive, and you're over thinking it. Trust me, she is perfectly normal, the school will think the world of her. That she has the ability to communicate with you at that age is also massive, imo.
5. If she does have a condition, it's not labelling her, it's letting other people know, so they can teach her, communicate with, and treat her in the most appropriate way.
6. Wrt the ex, this is going to sound harsh, but you don't have to include her in everything, or ask for her approval. Just make sure you do the right thing for your daughter, and share what you feel is relevant. The focus has to be on the child, not the ex, imo.
7. Be proactive with the school, open a dialogue and communicate regularly, even when things settle, which they will. Also, ask what you can do, let them know how things are going. Schools love supportive parents like you who take a genuine interest.

Hope that all comes across as intended. Not sure it matters, but I worked in the sector with kids (and parents) from all walks of life, for nigh on 3 decades. What you are describing is fairly standard on a day to day basis for the school. It's obviously massive to you, as it was for me and my kids, but things will definitely improve, and they are never as bad as we think they will be. Keep us all posted mate,

Great post. Hope it goes well @MrD

 

[MrD]

Hello mate.

From my own experiences of my two lads schooling, one of whom who has additional needs, ear defenders are quite common in primary / junior schools nowadays and your daughter won’t be singled out or bullied because of wearing them, as the other kids won’t even give them a second thought.

The fact that the school has suggested wearing them, suggests that they may suspect that your daughter may have ADHD, have you spoken with them about this ?

You talk about being painted with “ the mad brush “, I’m the father of a boy with special needs and when he first went to his mainstream primary school, including him, there was two kids in the whole school who had special needs, by the time he left junior school, there was a least one child in every class - mainly ADHD and autism.

They were as much a part of the school as the other kids and there was no bullying, quite the opposite.

My advise to you, as a dad who’s been through similar, is to arrange to speak to the school and maybe see about getting your daughter tested for ADHD and autism.

I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but if it turns out she does have a condition, it means things can be put in place to manage it.

My eldest son has a mate who has ADHD and we have a family friend who’s daughter has it.

They both take meds to control it - he’s a semi pro footballer and she’s just gone to Uni.

The quicker you act, the better mate.

Also, you and your ex missus need to put aside your differences and act together on this for the good of your daughter.

It really isn’t the end of the world mate

Thanks for this, very helpful. i agree with it all, i think i lack a lot of mature perspective at times and i see everything as an attack.
I didn't mean anything by the mad brush bit, i meant it in a way that people are quick to throw labels on people to put them into some sort of category.

1. You haven't effed her up, she's a little kid responding to various stimuli around her. I can assure you 50% of the parents will be having the same conversations with their kids' teachers. If not now, then in 2, 3 4, 8 years or whenever.
2. She maybe a 'distractor' to others, or she maybe 'distracted' ... neither are a criticism, just a reflection of how the teacher sees things on a day to day basis. It will definitely be worthwhile opening up a dialogue with the school, getting to the nub, and ascertaining exactly what the behaviour/s is/are that they are referring to. For example, ask the teacher exactly what your daughter does in class. Ask for examples. Not to challenge the teacher (or child) but to enable you to understand the issue and how it affects her and others. You will then be able to do your bit. 'Try not to do X' or 'Try not to respond in this way to Y, instead do this...' etc etc. Listen to the advice from school on how to help.
3. Let the school know how it affects your mental health, that you feel anxious, sleepless etc. They will help, maybe changing the way, or how often, they communicate, for example. They should take this into account.
4. The bit about her being 8 and not being in uni, or curing an illness equating to being a failure etc etc... with respect mate, you're being a bit over senstive, and you're over thinking it. Trust me, she is perfectly normal, the school will think the world of her. That she has the ability to communicate with you at that age is also massive, imo.
5. If she does have a condition, it's not labelling her, it's letting other people know, so they can teach her, communicate with, and treat her in the most appropriate way.
6. Wrt the ex, this is going to sound harsh, but you don't have to include her in everything, or ask for her approval. Just make sure you do the right thing for your daughter, and share what you feel is relevant. The focus has to be on the child, not the ex, imo.
7. Be proactive with the school, open a dialogue and communicate regularly, even when things settle, which they will. Also, ask what you can do, let them know how things are going. Schools love supportive parents like you who take a genuine interest.

Hope that all comes across as intended. Not sure it matters, but I worked in the sector with kids (and parents) from all walks of life, for nigh on 3 decades. What you are describing is fairly standard on a day to day basis for the school. It's obviously massive to you, as it was for me and my kids, but things will definitely improve, and they are never as bad as we think they will be. Keep us all posted mate,

Thank you so much for this, really helpful and it's all so obvious when i hear what more grounded people think. I know i'm being too sensitive about a lot of stuff.

when i split from the ex she immediately started using our daughter as a weapon, if i didn't do everything she demanded then she'd take her away from me etc, and to an extent still does it, so i am terrified that if i don't bend over to her that i won't see my kid. so yeah, i do focus on her a bit too much.

your advice and opinions do indeed come across in the right way, so thank you

I often give advice to people that ends in, it's never as bad as we think it is. when it comes to me i never believe it, but hearing it from others/you does help.

Great post. Hope it goes well @MrD

Agree!

-----------------------------------
Thanks for the grounded and wise words. it really does help me out. i am very guilty of falling into the over thinking vortex and i lose all sense of perspective.

 

[BigDunc'sFod]

TL;DR - over protective dad has no say in anything, feels worthless, i take it so personal, treated like a babysitter, wondering if over protective is really over sensitive = stress and hopelessness and concern

Hello everyone, this is just a daft thing probably but it affects me more than it probably should,
My little girl is an amazingly loving, caring, funny, kind and very clever girl but she has a habbit of being easily distracted in school. Today was another parent/teacher meeting to discus how she's doing, as expected the topic of her being distracted arose.

Teachers now a days won't mention or even hint at how other kids are but i feel like when he mentioned my daughter being distracted it just gives me the impression (or maybe i'm just over thinking it) that the other 30 kids in class are sitting quietly and being well behaved and working hard but my daughter is like some sort of screaming banshee wreaking havoc on all the good kids.

Now i know at 8 years old that most of the class will be distracted and often misbehave, but how i take hearing it and how it's aimed (or seemingly aimed) at my 8 year old it just makes me feel like she is broken and i've F'd her up. i feel defensive, protective but also very sad that she just won't learn not to mess about in school. When we talk to her about it she gets upset because she doesn't like realising she's been "naughty" and she agrees to try to do better, but then as soon as she goes to school she starts focusing more on what others are doing.

Anyway, today the teacher suggested she should wear ear defenders in class just to stop her listening to what everyone else is doing, i kinda just said out of politeness "yeah we could do, don't know really" even though i knew right away i didn't want her to be singled out and give other kids an excuse to pick on her.

All evening i've been worrying that i should have just said no to him, i don't want him or anyone treating her like she's a nuisance and having her singled out. so i got stressed over her, i'm protective, worried and i just don't know how i'm supposed to react.

i spoke to her mum about it and she agreed not to allow the ear defenders but then she never shuts up about how my feelings about our daughter are just projections and that my awful childhood and the memories i have of being treated like a freak even though i did nothing wrong are not valid.

So, my usual thing is i panic, get anxious and all the rest of it, but i'll be awake all night. i'll be tired and sad and i worry for my daughter as though she's being singled out.

sorry for the long yet hopefully coherent post, i wish i said no to the bloody ear defenders, wish i didn't have to be treated like a baby sitter by my ex and i just want my kid to grow up not feeling like she's broken when she really isn't. in my head she's just an 8 year old being an 8 year old. But it seems now a days that if your 8 year old isn't already in uni or curing an illness then they're a failure....i'm so so so proud of her and i love her so much, but my over protective side and how little my opinion matters really gets to me.

When my ex wants extra shifts in work, i'm great, super convenient, when she needs a lift or something fixing then i'm super handy but how i feel is completely disregarded, for the past 8 years i've felt like a babysitter and it's getting worse.

I can't say anything to the ex because she's one of those women who starts saying i won't get to see my kid if she doesn't like what i say. Sorry lads, stupid post that's not really about anything life or death, i just want my kid to not be labelled yet people seem to want to label any kid who isn't perfect.

When she's with me she's great, when she's with her mum she is a bit more hard work, so of course, that means she has ADHD, and a raft of other things just because she cried after she fell over or something.

When i tell my ex our kid doesn't do anything like that with me, she's so well behaved and awesome to be around she just throws it away like i'm either lying, or i'm the problem. i've got a lot on my plate right now, and everything makes me feel like a failure, feeling like, and being treated like a failure of a dad really upsets me tho....and i want my normal and average 8 year old not to painted with the mad brush.

also, just for no reason other than it broke me earlier this evening, my daughter wrote me the most beautiful letter saying i'm the best dad in the world and that we will always have each other. made me cry.

please tell me to stop being silly if this post seems so ridiculous. i've got no backbone and i probably just need to toughen up

Mate

Personally I don't think you should ever apologise for wanting the best for your daughter, wanting her to be respected as an individual but also not be singled out, wanting her to feel like she doesn't need to have everything figured out by eight years old.

I wish I had a more coherent message for you but I'm blindsided and fuming on your behalf here.

You're a great dad and the best thing is your daughter knows it. Your exactly what she needs, and may be the only adult advocating for her and loving her for who she is and who she is yet to become.

Keep. It. Up.

 

[MrD]

Mate

Personally I don't think you should ever apologise for wanting the best for your daughter, wanting her to be respected as an individual but also not be singled out, wanting her to feel like she doesn't need to have everything figured out by eight years old.

I wish I had a more coherent message for you but I'm blindsided and fuming on your behalf here.

You're a great dad and the best thing is your daughter knows it. Your exactly what she needs, and may be the only adult advocating for her and loving her for who she is and who she is yet to become.

Keep. It. Up.

Thanks for that mate. that's nice to hear.

 

[malacker94]

TL;DR - over protective dad has no say in anything, feels worthless, i take it so personal, treated like a babysitter, wondering if over protective is really over sensitive = stress and hopelessness and concern

Hello everyone, this is just a daft thing probably but it affects me more than it probably should,
My little girl is an amazingly loving, caring, funny, kind and very clever girl but she has a habbit of being easily distracted in school. Today was another parent/teacher meeting to discus how she's doing, as expected the topic of her being distracted arose.

Teachers now a days won't mention or even hint at how other kids are but i feel like when he mentioned my daughter being distracted it just gives me the impression (or maybe i'm just over thinking it) that the other 30 kids in class are sitting quietly and being well behaved and working hard but my daughter is like some sort of screaming banshee wreaking havoc on all the good kids.

Now i know at 8 years old that most of the class will be distracted and often misbehave, but how i take hearing it and how it's aimed (or seemingly aimed) at my 8 year old it just makes me feel like she is broken and i've F'd her up. i feel defensive, protective but also very sad that she just won't learn not to mess about in school. When we talk to her about it she gets upset because she doesn't like realising she's been "naughty" and she agrees to try to do better, but then as soon as she goes to school she starts focusing more on what others are doing.

Anyway, today the teacher suggested she should wear ear defenders in class just to stop her listening to what everyone else is doing, i kinda just said out of politeness "yeah we could do, don't know really" even though i knew right away i didn't want her to be singled out and give other kids an excuse to pick on her.

All evening i've been worrying that i should have just said no to him, i don't want him or anyone treating her like she's a nuisance and having her singled out. so i got stressed over her, i'm protective, worried and i just don't know how i'm supposed to react.

i spoke to her mum about it and she agreed not to allow the ear defenders but then she never shuts up about how my feelings about our daughter are just projections and that my awful childhood and the memories i have of being treated like a freak even though i did nothing wrong are not valid.

So, my usual thing is i panic, get anxious and all the rest of it, but i'll be awake all night. i'll be tired and sad and i worry for my daughter as though she's being singled out.

sorry for the long yet hopefully coherent post, i wish i said no to the bloody ear defenders, wish i didn't have to be treated like a baby sitter by my ex and i just want my kid to grow up not feeling like she's broken when she really isn't. in my head she's just an 8 year old being an 8 year old. But it seems now a days that if your 8 year old isn't already in uni or curing an illness then they're a failure....i'm so so so proud of her and i love her so much, but my over protective side and how little my opinion matters really gets to me.

When my ex wants extra shifts in work, i'm great, super convenient, when she needs a lift or something fixing then i'm super handy but how i feel is completely disregarded, for the past 8 years i've felt like a babysitter and it's getting worse.

I can't say anything to the ex because she's one of those women who starts saying i won't get to see my kid if she doesn't like what i say. Sorry lads, stupid post that's not really about anything life or death, i just want my kid to not be labelled yet people seem to want to label any kid who isn't perfect.

When she's with me she's great, when she's with her mum she is a bit more hard work, so of course, that means she has ADHD, and a raft of other things just because she cried after she fell over or something.

When i tell my ex our kid doesn't do anything like that with me, she's so well behaved and awesome to be around she just throws it away like i'm either lying, or i'm the problem. i've got a lot on my plate right now, and everything makes me feel like a failure, feeling like, and being treated like a failure of a dad really upsets me tho....and i want my normal and average 8 year old not to painted with the mad brush.

also, just for no reason other than it broke me earlier this evening, my daughter wrote me the most beautiful letter saying i'm the best dad in the world and that we will always have each other. made me cry.

please tell me to stop being silly if this post seems so ridiculous. i've got no backbone and i probably just need to toughen up

Mate, I think you are not doing anything wrong.

I have very severe ADHD which made me stick out like a sore thumb in school and is honestly still very challenging to this day. But my parents were always there for me, always made it clear that my struggles in school did not automatically make me a bad person and that they loved me. And honestly, this was probably a life-saver since I was bullied all throughout school and experienced depressive episodes with suicidal ideation and whatnot. Who knows how bad it would have become without my parents.

What I'm meaning to say is, yeah, you won't get every little decision right, but the main thing is showing up as you already do and letting your little one know how much you love her and that she is NOT broken as you already do.

That letter she wrote you proves that she's already very aware of how important she is to you and that is such a valuable thing to have for every child, especially for those who might have to face a bit of a rougher path through their formative years.

 

[Tipp blue]

TL;DR - over protective dad has no say in anything, feels worthless, i take it so personal, treated like a babysitter, wondering if over protective is really over sensitive = stress and hopelessness and concern

Hello everyone, this is just a daft thing probably but it affects me more than it probably should,
My little girl is an amazingly loving, caring, funny, kind and very clever girl but she has a habbit of being easily distracted in school. Today was another parent/teacher meeting to discus how she's doing, as expected the topic of her being distracted arose.

Teachers now a days won't mention or even hint at how other kids are but i feel like when he mentioned my daughter being distracted it just gives me the impression (or maybe i'm just over thinking it) that the other 30 kids in class are sitting quietly and being well behaved and working hard but my daughter is like some sort of screaming banshee wreaking havoc on all the good kids.

Now i know at 8 years old that most of the class will be distracted and often misbehave, but how i take hearing it and how it's aimed (or seemingly aimed) at my 8 year old it just makes me feel like she is broken and i've F'd her up. i feel defensive, protective but also very sad that she just won't learn not to mess about in school. When we talk to her about it she gets upset because she doesn't like realising she's been "naughty" and she agrees to try to do better, but then as soon as she goes to school she starts focusing more on what others are doing.

Anyway, today the teacher suggested she should wear ear defenders in class just to stop her listening to what everyone else is doing, i kinda just said out of politeness "yeah we could do, don't know really" even though i knew right away i didn't want her to be singled out and give other kids an excuse to pick on her.

All evening i've been worrying that i should have just said no to him, i don't want him or anyone treating her like she's a nuisance and having her singled out. so i got stressed over her, i'm protective, worried and i just don't know how i'm supposed to react.

i spoke to her mum about it and she agreed not to allow the ear defenders but then she never shuts up about how my feelings about our daughter are just projections and that my awful childhood and the memories i have of being treated like a freak even though i did nothing wrong are not valid.

So, my usual thing is i panic, get anxious and all the rest of it, but i'll be awake all night. i'll be tired and sad and i worry for my daughter as though she's being singled out.

sorry for the long yet hopefully coherent post, i wish i said no to the bloody ear defenders, wish i didn't have to be treated like a baby sitter by my ex and i just want my kid to grow up not feeling like she's broken when she really isn't. in my head she's just an 8 year old being an 8 year old. But it seems now a days that if your 8 year old isn't already in uni or curing an illness then they're a failure....i'm so so so proud of her and i love her so much, but my over protective side and how little my opinion matters really gets to me.

When my ex wants extra shifts in work, i'm great, super convenient, when she needs a lift or something fixing then i'm super handy but how i feel is completely disregarded, for the past 8 years i've felt like a babysitter and it's getting worse.

I can't say anything to the ex because she's one of those women who starts saying i won't get to see my kid if she doesn't like what i say. Sorry lads, stupid post that's not really about anything life or death, i just want my kid to not be labelled yet people seem to want to label any kid who isn't perfect.

When she's with me she's great, when she's with her mum she is a bit more hard work, so of course, that means she has ADHD, and a raft of other things just because she cried after she fell over or something.

When i tell my ex our kid doesn't do anything like that with me, she's so well behaved and awesome to be around she just throws it away like i'm either lying, or i'm the problem. i've got a lot on my plate right now, and everything makes me feel like a failure, feeling like, and being treated like a failure of a dad really upsets me tho....and i want my normal and average 8 year old not to painted with the mad brush.

also, just for no reason other than it broke me earlier this evening, my daughter wrote me the most beautiful letter saying i'm the best dad in the world and that we will always have each other. made me cry.

please tell me to stop being silly if this post seems so ridiculous. i've got no backbone and i probably just need to toughen up

Obviously without knowing anything about family life at yours or your ex, I can't offer much but 1 thing I can say is
Screens need binning, TV laptop tablets phones.
I don't know if your daughter gets much if any screen time, but screen time is well documented to reduce attention time in children. We reduced screen time at home and our 2 lads (8 and 6) improved both behaviour and attention dramatically, they get a movie on Saturday evenings.
Edit: I can assure you 100% that the others in the class are not sitting quietly, I work in post primary and many students can't sit quietly the attention span of young people is low across the board.

 

[Noisy noise annoys]

TL;DR - over protective dad has no say in anything, feels worthless, i take it so personal, treated like a babysitter, wondering if over protective is really over sensitive = stress and hopelessness and concern

Hello everyone, this is just a daft thing probably but it affects me more than it probably should,
My little girl is an amazingly loving, caring, funny, kind and very clever girl but she has a habbit of being easily distracted in school. Today was another parent/teacher meeting to discus how she's doing, as expected the topic of her being distracted arose.

Teachers now a days won't mention or even hint at how other kids are but i feel like when he mentioned my daughter being distracted it just gives me the impression (or maybe i'm just over thinking it) that the other 30 kids in class are sitting quietly and being well behaved and working hard but my daughter is like some sort of screaming banshee wreaking havoc on all the good kids.

Now i know at 8 years old that most of the class will be distracted and often misbehave, but how i take hearing it and how it's aimed (or seemingly aimed) at my 8 year old it just makes me feel like she is broken and i've F'd her up. i feel defensive, protective but also very sad that she just won't learn not to mess about in school. When we talk to her about it she gets upset because she doesn't like realising she's been "naughty" and she agrees to try to do better, but then as soon as she goes to school she starts focusing more on what others are doing.

Anyway, today the teacher suggested she should wear ear defenders in class just to stop her listening to what everyone else is doing, i kinda just said out of politeness "yeah we could do, don't know really" even though i knew right away i didn't want her to be singled out and give other kids an excuse to pick on her.

All evening i've been worrying that i should have just said no to him, i don't want him or anyone treating her like she's a nuisance and having her singled out. so i got stressed over her, i'm protective, worried and i just don't know how i'm supposed to react.

i spoke to her mum about it and she agreed not to allow the ear defenders but then she never shuts up about how my feelings about our daughter are just projections and that my awful childhood and the memories i have of being treated like a freak even though i did nothing wrong are not valid.

So, my usual thing is i panic, get anxious and all the rest of it, but i'll be awake all night. i'll be tired and sad and i worry for my daughter as though she's being singled out.

sorry for the long yet hopefully coherent post, i wish i said no to the bloody ear defenders, wish i didn't have to be treated like a baby sitter by my ex and i just want my kid to grow up not feeling like she's broken when she really isn't. in my head she's just an 8 year old being an 8 year old. But it seems now a days that if your 8 year old isn't already in uni or curing an illness then they're a failure....i'm so so so proud of her and i love her so much, but my over protective side and how little my opinion matters really gets to me.

When my ex wants extra shifts in work, i'm great, super convenient, when she needs a lift or something fixing then i'm super handy but how i feel is completely disregarded, for the past 8 years i've felt like a babysitter and it's getting worse.

I can't say anything to the ex because she's one of those women who starts saying i won't get to see my kid if she doesn't like what i say. Sorry lads, stupid post that's not really about anything life or death, i just want my kid to not be labelled yet people seem to want to label any kid who isn't perfect.

When she's with me she's great, when she's with her mum she is a bit more hard work, so of course, that means she has ADHD, and a raft of other things just because she cried after she fell over or something.

When i tell my ex our kid doesn't do anything like that with me, she's so well behaved and awesome to be around she just throws it away like i'm either lying, or i'm the problem. i've got a lot on my plate right now, and everything makes me feel like a failure, feeling like, and being treated like a failure of a dad really upsets me tho....and i want my normal and average 8 year old not to painted with the mad brush.

also, just for no reason other than it broke me earlier this evening, my daughter wrote me the most beautiful letter saying i'm the best dad in the world and that we will always have each other. made me cry.

please tell me to stop being silly if this post seems so ridiculous. i've got no backbone and i probably just need to toughen up

I can relate a lot to this post.

Having been the distractor and distracted at school at a time when you were just classed as naughty rather than there being underlying cause, it horrified me when my son went through years of similar experience.

His teachers, despite being young, modern teachers who should be more aware of the symptoms and reasons for such behaviours, just labelled him lazy and badly behaved. I had constant calls and letters from teachers who just assumed he was only worthy of "remedial" classes. I went bonkers, we moved him from that school to a more progressive school and had him independently assessed - low and behold he was diagnosed with ADHD, Dysgraphia, dyslexia and dyspraxia! The penny dropped!! We were then put in contact with the local SEN lady who walked him through the next few years which were still very rocky, his frustration often boiling over and teachers often giving up. I have to say, it is important to remember that your child will still be at fault for a lot of the issues that they find themselves in - my son did not help himself at all and could be a complete tit at home and in school. I often found myself agreeing with the teachers and asking my son to apologise -it definitely goes both ways, especially as they get older - the teenage hormones mixed with ADHD issues is particularly tricky.
I would also say, it was much easier for me as my wife is my best friend and so I had total support - it must be so hard for you in your situation.

On a positive, with much work, support, finding the good teachers, extra tuition (which is vital at GCSE and A level time) he pulled it out of the bag and got a hatful of a's.b's and c's an a couple of decent A-levels - don't give up!
He is not and never will be university material but he will find his way and will make a success of something someday.

I hope you can stay strong and retain the belief

 

[Spotty]

1. You haven't effed her up, she's a little kid responding to various stimuli around her. I can assure you 50% of the parents will be having the same conversations with their kids' teachers. If not now, then in 2, 3 4, 8 years or whenever.
2. She maybe a 'distractor' to others, or she maybe 'distracted' ... neither are a criticism, just a reflection of how the teacher sees things on a day to day basis. It will definitely be worthwhile opening up a dialogue with the school, getting to the nub, and ascertaining exactly what the behaviour/s is/are that they are referring to. For example, ask the teacher exactly what your daughter does in class. Ask for examples. Not to challenge the teacher (or child) but to enable you to understand the issue and how it affects her and others. You will then be able to do your bit. 'Try not to do X' or 'Try not to respond in this way to Y, instead do this...' etc etc. Listen to the advice from school on how to help.
3. Let the school know how it affects your mental health, that you feel anxious, sleepless etc. They will help, maybe changing the way, or how often, they communicate, for example. They should take this into account.
4. The bit about her being 8 and not being in uni, or curing an illness equating to being a failure etc etc... with respect mate, you're being a bit over senstive, and you're over thinking it. Trust me, she is perfectly normal, the school will think the world of her. That she has the ability to communicate with you at that age is also massive, imo.
5. If she does have a condition, it's not labelling her, it's letting other people know, so they can teach her, communicate with, and treat her in the most appropriate way.
6. Wrt the ex, this is going to sound harsh, but you don't have to include her in everything, or ask for her approval. Just make sure you do the right thing for your daughter, and share what you feel is relevant. The focus has to be on the child, not the ex, imo.
7. Be proactive with the school, open a dialogue and communicate regularly, even when things settle, which they will. Also, ask what you can do, let them know how things are going. Schools love supportive parents like you who take a genuine interest.

Hope that all comes across as intended. Not sure it matters, but I worked in the sector with kids (and parents) from all walks of life, for nigh on 3 decades. What you are describing is fairly standard on a day to day basis for the school. It's obviously massive to you, as it was for me and my kids, but things will definitely improve, and they are never as bad as we think they will be. Keep us all posted mate,

As usual some really good advice. My thoughts:
Be child centred in your approach. It's NOT about you as adults. Try to see everything through a child focused prism. What's best for the children ALWAYS.
Education wise, good communication with the school and it is the responsibility of the school to guide parents as to what their options are. It's their job. Schools should be giving educational options to children - always seek the views of children - then parents.
If we as father's are not posing a threat to our children, love them, nurture and guide them, then it is not the remit of any parent wife or husband to dictate when or if we can see our children. As long as we are not a threat physically or emotionally to our children, we have parental responsibility rights. Again let's give our children a voice, it's their life and they have a right to be involved in the decision making processes that involves them.

 

[Macker07]

I've been suffering with depression, diagnosed 15 years ago. Been through numerous amounts of antidepressants. Last November restarted therapy. I also have had a dual diagnosis. The diagnosed depression came as I stopped smoking hash, and drinking copious amounts of Jack Daniels. Three weeks ago everything turned upside once again. In therapy I had memories of things my mother did to me, sexual abuse. I also had to admit once again my addiction had co.e back and I was abusing steroids, and also injecting such substances as BPC-157 and TB-500 and L-CARNITINE. I've started to attend Narcotics anonymous and I'm also tapering off the steroids. Back to square one. I'm also a bit of lurker on here, as I was on Bluekipper. I think I was banned off bluekipper after telling Mcflurry what I would do with his Mcflurry when I met him. Part of my abuse came from being brought up a Jehovahs Witness and he was telling me they are decent people.

Being a toffee is also hard work at the moment.

 

[wgtwiddle]

Part of my abuse came from being brought up a Jehovahs Witness and he was telling me they are decent people.

Being a toffee is also hard work at the moment.

I imagine being a toffee is quite trivial to the other issues you have.

I'm in no way qualified to give any pertinent advice but might be worth a look here...

exJW Support

UK peer support network

www.exjwsupport.co.uk

Wish you well!

 

[Macker07]

I imagine being a toffee is quite trivial to the other issues you have.

I'm in no way qualified to give any pertinent advice but might be worth a look here...

exJW Support

UK peer support network

www.exjwsupport.co.uk

Wish you well!

Thank you. I was born into being a JW, major trauma and mental health issues from leaving. There are good support groups springing up.
My support in the 90s were Fantasia, Dreamscape and spiral tribe. Chemicals like MDMA and Speed. Perfect recipe for the dual.diagnosis I am now dealing with. The rock bottom was the thought of ending it all, my needles and vials being found in my work place. I have two beautiful grandchildren they saved me.

 

[coollino]

I've been asked to sit in on a redundancy meeting with someone last min, tomorrow. I've had a look at somethings online but it's all very corporate and I'm not really concerned about that part.

Has anyone done it and what's expected me from more of like a personal level, am I meant to just sit there and listen? I've no help from work which has annoyed me a lot