I just need to vent....
I feel like I am going to fail my degree - had trouble with it before and had to interrupt a year due to mental health issues. I always succumb to self-induced pressure and haven't applied myself in the best way possible - but I do think that depression & insomnia have had a massive effect on my performance. The uni are aware of this - I'm not sure they can really help me though, unfortunately.
I'm kind of more at ease than I originally was with coming out with a grade well below of what I'm capable of - but I have been slogging away at it for so long that I feel as though it defines me now, as will the pending 'failure'. I know it's wrong and daft, but I can't see myself in the future after this, not without some simple ideal narrative of achieving a good grade and breezing through 'open doors' (I suppose this last sentiment is pretty typical of a lot of young people finishing university, though).
Instead I just have this dead albatross around my neck now and don't have a clue what I want to do - I just stagger from one challenge to the next without ever doing myself justice. I have thought about killing myself, though it shames me to say it, and I am pretty worn down by that idea invading my thinking on a daily basis, even if there is no 'real' danger of me doing it.
I feel completely empty and listless, but I don't think I could do that to my family, even though I feel like a massive disappointment to them.
Just wanted to say something here before I head off; I work in education, I'm very committed to the positive effect it can have in both individual's lives, and society as a whole… having said that, it is also a double edged sword in that we start to define ourselves by our ability to pass or fail subjects/ exams, which (and I really don't want to sound glib and disparage how you're feeling), really isn't the point of education.
You can be incredibly intelligent and stress so much that you fail exams- that's not your failing, it's the arbitary system's failing. You can be a fabulous, emotional, empathetic person, who doesn't fit into the "academic" model- it doesn't mean you're less valuable as a human. When you're in the thick of it all, especiially comeing up to exams, it can be incredibly overwhelming (as it sounds like you are feeling), because uni is a struggle, but ultimately it's a small part of what makes you who you are, and people who matter don't value you for academic reasons.
One thing a therapist said which was revolutionary for me- because I also had been lurching from one thing to another with no purpose- was "how do you see your life?" Thinking about what I wanted my life to be, compared to how I thought it should be, or the pressures I or my family placed, was a big shift in my thinking.
My long winded way of trying to say, pass or fail, it doesn't matter in the long term. You can resit, or you can decide it's not for you. But it's your decision, and perhaps defining what you would like out of life might help you have a vision of the future beyond this?
(I apologise in advance if any of these sounds patronising, it's written with the best intentions)
brain is slowing down.
I'm ok today- had a good lil 5.5k run in the park which reset me a bit (and I'm sorry you have mobility issues- I totally know how frustrating it is when you want to move and your body won't let you- glad you've found other ways to vent/ find calm) Am off to a big gay Eurovision party tonight, so having a couple of drinks to get in the zone… 
. Enjoy your evening.
Teresa was tired after working all day but now after a drink and rest she has her 2nd wind and wants to go out.
so off to watch some bands play down town.
