Saw GOT post this on twitter the other day so I thought I'd give this a go. I don't know what to live for anymore. I don't see a point or purpose in life. The little things don't get me happy anymore. Nothing seems to make my day or give me a reason to go on.
I injured my back a couple months back and it just seems like everything has gone downhill from there. I can't help it anymore. I can't exercise to cope with my stress because of the injury and my weight has ballooned from 84kg to 100kg. This hurts me a lot more because I worked so hard to get down to 84kg from 145kg and now it seems like alll my effort has gone down the drain. Started losing my hair as well which bugs me so much more than it should but I just can't deal with going bald now. I'm only 21 and going bald for me would again be disastrous. I started to care about my personal image when i started losing weight so hair became an important aspect and for the first time in my life at the age of 21, I started grooming daily and it became a much larger part of me than I ever thought it would. So losing my hair now is soul crushing.
My family life is a mess. My mum's religious and I personally don't believe. I'm an atheist (not one of those psycho [Poor language removed] that tells everyone that god isn't real every time they meet them) but it's hard when you're constantly being barraged by all these negative comments about your beliefs and I still haven't come out to the rest of my family and to all my friends and at this point, it's not gonna happen.
I don't find the joy in life anymore. The little things like being able to listen to music and go on a short walk made me so happy in the past but now I can't even enjoy those things without being in pain. The hair loss makes me scared to go out because I'm too self-conscious about my hair to deal with everyone staring at me. I can't go to the gym and lift weights for hours like I used to. I can't hit the bench or do my T-bar rows or any other exercise that made me say "you have a purpose today". My life was mundane in that sense but I can't explain how happy I was because to quote Oasis, "The little things, they make me so happy."
Right now I'm reduced to doing physio exercises which make me feel like an incompetent paraplegic fuckwit. These exercises are so simple it boggles my mind how I can't do them pain free. And just a few months back I was exercising a minimum of 10 times a week. Fasted cardio and weight training later in the day. Now I can't even walk pain-free let alone anything else.
I can't do those little things anymore. I also see my friends enjoying their life, studying and working or being conscripted (side note there's conscription in my country) and now I can't do any of those things as well. I am not conscripted because of my back injury and according to the MD there, I might need surgery.
Surgery doesn't scare me. I actually look forward to it if it means I get back to 100%. Right now I don't even have a [Poor language removed] letter for the appointment, I am simply told to wait for the [Poor language removed] LETTER for an appointment date. So right now my life is in absolute limbo and I can't do anything right now. The pain doesn't help as well.
Call me stubborn but I hate to rely on painkillers. I don't wanna create a dependency on those drugs. Doc also prescribed me tranxene a few months back but that does [Poor language removed] all for my mood. Also didn't use it that much either because the effects were minuscule at best. Right now, typing this out is kinda cathartic. Even if it's just a little.
Thanks to anyone who bothered to read this and further thanks to anyone who bothers to reply.
Oh my goodness, I can relate to all this so much, but first off,
well done for the weight loss- you have achieved something remarkable there and, whilst it's frustrating for you that you've put weight back on, please remind yourself that a) you're not back up to your heaviest (and even without back injuries, when you have so much to lose, it's inevitable that it's not a straight downhill line, but there's ups and downs along the way), and b) the reason why you have put weight back on is your back.
NOT because you weren't motivated,
NOT because you weren't putting the effort in,
NOT because you have "failed" in any sense.
I say I can relate because I lost 23kgs in recent years. It was an absolute bitch to do, every kg a slog. Then I injuried my hip and back so badly I could barely get out of bed sometimes. I couldn't stand upright, stepping off a pavement curb was a challenge. I couldn't walk, sit, stand without being in constant pain. Like you, I had to drop from daily exercise (cycling, walking, swimming, running, gym) to nothing. Then physio which, to be honest, did very little. I saw 4 different chirpractors, 2 personal trainers, 3 physios, my doctor; I had x-rays, MRI scans, everything- they couldn't really find any major problem. I've put back on about 10kgs, which is so depressing (and I use that word specifically), that I have to daily remind myself what I just said in the above paragraph. I was crying all the time, frustrated, in pain, long-term sleep-deprived (and without sleep everything is magnified)- this went on for about two years. I was so depressed thinking "is this it? Am I now facing a lifetime of pain? Walking around like a 90 yr old before I'm 40?
I finally found the right physio, who gave me the right exercises to do and, over about 4-6 months things started to improve (and yes, I was frustrated doing tiny movements that seemed easy but I couldn't do). I took the drugs that my doctor prescribed (finally) and yes, they made a difference and no, I didn't get addicted.
My way of saying, I've been in a similar place; hang in there. It will and does get better, especially if you show the determination to your physio that you've already shown to weight loss and exercise. You can do it. And the little things will make you happy again once the pain decreases, trust me on this.
my smile to everyone for the day.
hope everyone is fine.
Make the most of the being waited on 
