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Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues
- Thread starter Groucho
- Start date
There a lot of changes to be made. I've been phoning it in most of my life. The new boss is making changes, which is great, but I need to change is the bottom line. Focus on the things I can control. That means, yes, changes jobs if I can; go back to school; establish goals and achieve. Be in the present moment cause that's where all this happens, and don't be distracted by others or other things. But all of this is difficult. New habits are hard to establish and old ones die hard. It's just got to painful to keep on being the same way. All the best.
efcforever
Player Valuation: £10m
Have you ever tried counselling? I had a series of sessions earlier this year and it really helped. It helped me see how distorted my thought processes were. More importantly I was able to retrain my mind. It's hard work and you have to keep working at things in between the sessions.
Didn't think I'd be writing this but after today I really need to vent a bit.
In my works today I officially put in a grievance against a colleague for bullying and sexual harassment. I work in a team of 5 but the room is filled with about 15 people overall and is quite small and not noisy, people can generally overhear other's conversations. The team I work in, we all have a good work relationship for the most part, everyone gets on and engages in a bit of work banter, myself included. It's a nice blend of personalities. Except for today, one female colleague went too far by repeatedly sexual and degrading, comments intended to belittle me, in full ear-shot of other people. I don't want to post exactly what she said because it was all HIGHLY inappropriate and she did it several times over the course of the day in a very mean-spirited way.
It's not on, I shouldn't have to go to work and have my personal life scrutinised. I purposefully stay a very private person after all the drama in my last job, I don't give much away about what I get up too or with whom outside of there, I save baring my soul for places like this thread or with very trusted friends. All of my colleagues respect that except this one person who keeps making these horribly snide remarks, all of which are sexual in nature and designed to belittle me. I've managed to stay professional and not react, that's what she wants, I've just kept a stiff upper lip whilst inside feeling very upset and uncomfortable. I don't think she has a problem with me, I just don't think she has any social grace and enjoys picking on what she thinks is an easy target to amuse herself. Well it's not on.
I've raised the issue with HR whom were very understanding and supportive, I'm hopeful it will be dealt swiftly. It may cause people to perhaps think less of me, they might think I've been over-sensitive, but I mean it when I say some of the things this woman is saying about me in front of everyone are appalling and unprofessional. I won't stand for it and neither should anyone be expected too. Tomorrow will be interesting.
In my works today I officially put in a grievance against a colleague for bullying and sexual harassment. I work in a team of 5 but the room is filled with about 15 people overall and is quite small and not noisy, people can generally overhear other's conversations. The team I work in, we all have a good work relationship for the most part, everyone gets on and engages in a bit of work banter, myself included. It's a nice blend of personalities. Except for today, one female colleague went too far by repeatedly sexual and degrading, comments intended to belittle me, in full ear-shot of other people. I don't want to post exactly what she said because it was all HIGHLY inappropriate and she did it several times over the course of the day in a very mean-spirited way.
It's not on, I shouldn't have to go to work and have my personal life scrutinised. I purposefully stay a very private person after all the drama in my last job, I don't give much away about what I get up too or with whom outside of there, I save baring my soul for places like this thread or with very trusted friends. All of my colleagues respect that except this one person who keeps making these horribly snide remarks, all of which are sexual in nature and designed to belittle me. I've managed to stay professional and not react, that's what she wants, I've just kept a stiff upper lip whilst inside feeling very upset and uncomfortable. I don't think she has a problem with me, I just don't think she has any social grace and enjoys picking on what she thinks is an easy target to amuse herself. Well it's not on.
I've raised the issue with HR whom were very understanding and supportive, I'm hopeful it will be dealt swiftly. It may cause people to perhaps think less of me, they might think I've been over-sensitive, but I mean it when I say some of the things this woman is saying about me in front of everyone are appalling and unprofessional. I won't stand for it and neither should anyone be expected too. Tomorrow will be interesting.
kithnou
Player Valuation: £70m
Sorry to hear. Strange place? What's the prognosis/game plan going forward?
kithnou
Player Valuation: £70m
Not pleasant at all. Have you tried having a word with her prior to raising an official complaint with HR?
No mate but at this point I don't even want to do that, I'd be happy to never exchange another word with her. She is basically insulting me with her remarks and they're all based around the fact that I'm a single lad, she has learned this through someone else (I don't talk about my personal life as I said) and keeps making disgusting comments that are humiliating. She needs disciplining at this point because if roles were reversed, and I as a man said to a woman the equivalent of what she's been saying to me, I'd be down the job centre tomorrow. It's that bad.
kithnou
Player Valuation: £70m
Fair enough mate.
Not trying to make your situation less significant, but to lighten the mood a bit, I am reminded of when I lived in Greece and worked in an insurance company.
I had a hot female Manager, and we would have monthly team meetings that would include her letting us all know our individual national rankings for the previous month.
Sure enough, I would be #69 for what seemed a good 6 months. I kid you not, when my name would come around, she would give me a cheeky look, make a seductive voice and say something like " But of course, how fitting for you to be #69".
Everyone loved the monthly joke. I guess cultural differences are in play
Fair enough mate.
Not trying to make your situation less significant, but to lighten the mood a bit, I am reminded of when I lived in Greece and worked in an insurance company.
I had a hot female Manager, and we would have monthly team meetings that would include her letting us all know our individual national rankings for the previous month.
Sure enough, I would be #69 for what seemed a good 6 months. I kid you not, when my name would come around, she would give me a cheeky look, make a seductive voice and say something like " But of course, how fitting for you to be #69".
Everyone loved the monthly joke. I guess cultural differences are in play
You see mate that's not intended to be harmful the way I read it. This woman I'm dealing with is completely different, she is trying to belittle me. I'll share just one thing she has said, this was literally today. I was being asked by someone else, in a fairly light-hearted manner, about whether or not I'm seeing anybody. I sensibly choose to keep schum and not give a proper answer, quite frankly I don't think it's anyone's business. Everyone else took the hint but you know what she turns around and says in front of everyone?
"He doesn't have a girlfriend, he just has his hand."
And that's one of the lighter examples. Comments like that are pathetic and are outright bullying. I won't sit there and take it even though I didn't react in the moment.
kithnou
Player Valuation: £70m
Fair enough that's no good. I'm sure HR will have a word and hopefully it all ends. Let us know.
Yes, a couple of times. I am thinking about going back if I can find someone good. Are you speaking about CBT? Can you give me a little more information? I think the people I saw were Freudians.
I would document every infraction. I had to deal with the same [Poor language removed]. Office politics sucks and it can make your life a living hell if you're being ostracized. Never confront the person directly, nor confide with anyone you cannot trust. By trust I mean that they have shown you in some way they are on your side. I would either go to HR or send them an email about this situation.
If the person knows it was you that went to HR they will have a vendetta against you. If you confront them they will have a vendetta against you. We are told that you have to "stick up for yourself" in order to gain respect from others. Let me be clear-- THIS IS NOT HOW OFFICE POLITICS WORKS. If you go to your boss you will ask him or her to do something they would rather not be doing-- maintaining the status quo is the sine qua non of office life. Also you don't know if they favor you or if they are friends with your advisory. In my situation they were smoking buddies, but there were others who were aligned with the person who was being verbally abusive. Unless you can sway the group to your cause through the magnetism and strength of your personality then you'll have problems- so don't rely on group dynamics. Chances are you've already lost this battle and they'll acquiesce to the bully because they don't want to be the target themselves.
When people say, "Can't you take a joke?"
Say "[Poor language removed] YOU." With all seriousness, if they get offended then say, "What, can't you take a joke." People use humor as a way to bully other people and then turn it around on the target by questioning their sense of humor to disarm the person.
Best of luck. Just focus on what you can control (your work), document the infractions, and then email HR ANONYMOUSLY, in relation to your work group.
There's banter and there's bullying mate.
That's bullying, end of.
It's a remark that's designed to humiliate and belittle you in front of your colleagues.
You did the right thing reporting her, as she would only have got worse, if she went unchallenged.
Just one thing mate, did you write down the times and dates of when these comments were getting made ? If you did that obviously strengthens your case.
Yes I have mate in case it ever needs to go further. I've had a meeting with my team leader who insists she will be told that it's unacceptable so I will see what happens.